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Parental Guidance Movie Quotes

Updated June 8, 2017 207 votes 81 voters 24k views9 items

"Parental Guidance" movie quotes take viewers through the laughs of this family comedy movie that shows what happens when parenting styles between parents and grandparents clash. The film, directed by Andy Fickman, was written by Lisa Addario and Joe Syracuse. It hit theaters on Christmas Day 2012, December 25.

In "Parental Guidance," Alice (Marisa Tomei), a wife and mother of three, asks her parents, Artie and Diane (Billy Crystal and Bette Midler, respectively), to fly in to watch the kids so she can enjoy some time away with her husband, Phil (Tom Everett Scott), who is leaving on business. While Artie is less than enthused, Diane agrees excitedly. Accordingly, the couple jets off to visit their daughter, son-in-law and three grandkids.

So what are the funniest quotes from Parental Guidance? You can find them all here on this list.

But when Artie and Diane arrive, things don't start as smoothly as everyone would like, partly because the parenting style of Phil and Alice, one of a helicopter parent, is vastly different from that of the old-fashioned ways used by Artie and Diane. As both sides try to cope with each other, while trying to deal with the three kids, hilarity follows.

If you've had enough of your own family this holiday season and not interested in seeing someone else's at the theater, there's plenty else showing including "Django Unchained," "Killing Them Softly," "Hitchcock," "Skyfall," "Lincoln," "Flight," "Playing for Keeps," "Silver Linings Playbook," "Anna Karenina," "This Must Be the Place," "Cloud Atlas," "Wreck-It Ralph," "Nobody Walks," "The Sessions," "Red Dawn," "Chasing Mavericks," "Rise of the Guardians," "Argo," and "Looper."
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  • 1

    You Always Take His Side

    Video: YouTube

    Alice: "My father doesn't listen!"
    Diane: "How is this Artie's fault?"
    Alice: "You always take his side."
    Diane: "And for good reason, because after your kids grow up, your husband is the one who stays."

    While Alice is upset that Diane always sides with Artie, Diane too has a point. When the kids grow up and move out, the parents are only left with each other.
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  • 2

    No Outs?!

    Video: YouTube

    Umpire: "Batter up!"
    Artie: "Oh, this is that bully kid."
    Alice: "Ivan"
    Artie: "I would so like to see Turner strike him out."
    Umpire: "Strike"
    Artie: "Strike one! He is really good. He is really good! Way to go, Turner! Swing and a miss, strike two! Here's the pitch. Strike three! You're out of there! Woo hoo hoo hoo hoo! Turner, way to look! Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, blue! Blue, that's three strikes, one, two, three, you're out of there!"
    Umpire: "Time!"
    Alice: "It's okay. That's my dad and he's new here."
    Umpire: "Oh okay, there are no outs in this game."
    Artie: "No outs? How is that possible?"
    Umpire: "They hit until they get on base."
    Artie: "Seriously?"
    Umpire: "Seriously."
    Artie: "Let me ask you something. How do you even know who's winning?"
    Umpire: "In this league we don't keep score. Every game ends in a tie."
    Fan: "The old guy's right, this is boring."
    Artie: "You were out!"
    Ivan: "No, I'm not!"
    Artie: "Oh yea, Turner, you struck him out."
    Turner: "No, I didn't."
    Artie: "Yes, you did. You're out."
    Ivan: "No, I'm not."
    Artie: "You're out!"
    Ivan: "No, I'm not."
    Artie: "Three strikes, you're out!"
    Ivan: "You're out!"
    Artie: "Well, it's not boring anymore."

    Looking for vengeance for Turner against a school bully, Ivan, Artie is excited when Turner strikes Ivan out on consecutive pitches. That excitement however turns into anger when he learns that there are no outs (or losses even) in this league.
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  • 3

    Cake

    Video: YouTube

    Artie: "All right, now here's the deal. Now, little pieces and you don't tell mommy about the movie and I don't tell her about the cake… You guys okay? I will be right back."
    Harper: "What a great day! It was like a birthday that came early."
    Diane: "Hi Artie, we're back. Did you have fun with the boys?"
    Turner and Barker: [covered in cake] "Rawr!"
    Diane: "Look at this place! We're going to have to call FEMA."
    Harper: "Cake!"
    Diane: "Where's Artie?"
    Turner: "He left."
    Diane: "He left?! If your mother sees this…"
    Alice: "what is going on?"
    Artie: "Hi, what did you do?"
    Diane: "I… I just got here."
    Alice: "You gave them cake?"
    Artie: "I gave them slivers.
    Alice: "This perfectly sums up your entire approach to parenting."
    Diane: "We have an approach?"
    Artie: "I don't know."

    For normal kids who gets cake all the time, being left alone with a huge cake might not lead to disaster but when kids who never get sugar are left with one, all hell breaks loose.
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  • 4

    Practice

    Video: YouTube

    Diane: "Wonderful! Bravo! Oh wow, Harper, that was wonderful!"
    Harper: "I stunk."
    Diane: "You most certainly did not." [to Dr. Schveer] "Wasn't she wonderful?"
    Dr. Schveer: "No, this will not be good enough for your audition! You must practice more! Practice!"
    Diane: "Gee wiz, wasn't she the villain in the last James Bond movie? Awe, sweetie, don't listen to her. Perhaps you could relax, you could go out with your friends, you could have some fun one Friday night."
    Harper: "I have three more days! I have to practice! I have to practice every second!"
    Diane: "Dr. Schveer, if you ever speak to my granddaughter like that ever again, there will be nothing left of you but some red hair and an accent. Is that clear, comrade? Dasvidaniya!"

    Diane isn't having any of the attitude, or from a non-related standpoint, critical instruction, that violin teacher Dr. Schveer is giving Harper and wastes no time letting her know that.
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