Weird History Penis Measuring Contests in History That Got Out of Hand  

Jacob Shelton
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Men love their d*cks. If they could be in a relationship with their genitals, they would. If they could sing the refrain to 2000s indie prom staple “Maps” to their penises, it would happen every night. In fact, it probably does. If that song weren't written by a woman, you'd have to assume it was written by a man, about his penis.

The only thing a man loves more than his shriveled appendage is talking about how his is bigger than someone else’s, either metaphorically or literally. If you’re not already exhausted with men and their phallus infatuation, this list of literal d*ck measuring contests will probably give you your fill, no pun intended.  So get out your ruler, it’s time to take a look at penis contests throughout history.

The thing is, men find any excuse to start penis measuring contests. Unfortunately, some of them get out of hand quickly, and end with a rusty ax or a lawsuit. If there were a lesson to be learned from this round up of d*ck measuring contests throughout history, it wouldn’t be that everyone should be confident no matter what they have in their pants, be it a Louisville Slugger or a pinky finger, but rather that men should shut up about their d*cks for ten seconds. Or minutes. Or hours. Or just forever. No one cares about your penis but you.

Of course, now you won't be able to get d*cks and their size out of your mind as you peruse this list of measuring contests that got out of hand.

Russian Man Cuts Off Friend's Penis After Losing Dick Measuring Contest

Russian Man Cuts Off Friend's ... is listed (or ranked) 1 on the list Penis Measuring Contests in History That Got Out of Hand
Photo:  stevepb/Pixabay/CC0 1.0
As horrible as it is, it had to happen at some point. In the summer of 2016, in Russia, a couple of Bashkortostan buddies approached the end of two days of binge drinking and arguing about the size of their dicks. They decided to whip 'em out and see who's was bigger. The fellow that lost took the contest so seriously he grabbed an ax and cut off the winner's manhood. If convicted of "inflicting grave injury," the man stands to receive eight years in prison. 

Cops and Firefighters Whip Em Out to See Who's Best

Cops and Firefighters Whip Em ... is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list Penis Measuring Contests in History That Got Out of Hand
Photo:  marcin049/Pixabay/CC0 1.0

Somewhere in Virginia, there's a town where the police and fire departments were so at odds they constantly pranked one another. Squad cars purposefully blocks fire hydrants, fire trucks cut off cops as they tried to catch speeding motorists - it was a huge waste of tax dollars. The prank war got so out of hand that, in 2014, city manager Mary Dolata decided the cops and fire fighters would have a dick measuring contest to see which department was best, and leave it at that. 

To quote Mary, “These boys are trying to play a game of one-upmenship that is noting more than figuratively proving who has the bigger genitals. So I said lets find out who does have the biggest tool. The department with the largest average size will be crowed the winner. Once that is done we will put an end to this prank war for good.”

Amen, sister. 

Smallest Penis Contest Ends in Drunken Debauchery

Smallest Penis Contest Ends in... is listed (or ranked) 3 on the list Penis Measuring Contests in History That Got Out of Hand
Photo: lenardsimp/flickr/CC-BY-NC-ND 2.0
When most people think of dick measuring contests, they think of dudes trying to prove they're the biggest, thickets, gnarliest ride in town. Not the case at Brooklyn's Smallest Penis Pageant. At the pageant, six guys wore tiny tuxedos on their penises and paraded around showing off what God didn't give them. Some contestants got so debilitatingly drunk they were disqualified from receiving accolades they rightfully deserved. 

Donald Trump Uses Debate to Talk About His Junk

Donald Trump Uses Debate to Ta... is listed (or ranked) 4 on the list Penis Measuring Contests in History That Got Out of Hand
Photo: david_shankbone/flickr/CC-BY 2.0
Of course Donald Trump is the first media figure posturing as a politician to talk about his d*ck in the middle of a debate. Why wouldn't he be? During a GOP debate in 2016, Trump addressed Marco Rubio's diss about Trump's small hands. Things got weird. The Donald said, "He referred to my hands, ‘if they’re small, something else must be small.’ I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee.” Do they hand out barf bags at GOP debates? In general, Trump is obsessed with the size of his digits, as photo evidence and an in depth report from John Oliver detail.