Culture

People Reveal The Most Hilarious Secrets They're Keeping  

Samantha Dillinger
1.9k votes 453 voters 14.6k views 23 items

List Rules Vote up the absurd secrets that are too funny to be embarrassing.

Priests and best friends are losing their jobs as secret keepers - who needs a live human to confess to when the internet is around?

Reddit and other online forums are the new confessionals. They allow everyone to bare their souls, spill secrets, and air dirty laundry, all while remaining blissfully anonymous. Some of the deepest, darkest secrets are actually pretty creepy, but others (intentionally or not) are silly and even a little endearing. Toilets, quilting, and tainted Jell-O are just a few of the absurd skeletons people are hiding. Some of the hilarious secrets Redditors harbored may even leave you wondering, "Did they really need to keep this a secret?"

Whether their clandestine nature was justified or not, users' willingness to share means they get catharsis from letting out the truth, and the rest of us get a good laugh from seeing what other people do (and hide) in their private lives.

1
Their Mom Threw Laundry Detergent In A Public Water Fountain

From Redditor /u/Patches67:

My mom caused sort of a big incident in downtown Montreal... This would have been way back in the 1970s. I was a baby in a carriage. My mom had gone grocery shopping and was taking a break by a brand-new sort of (at the time) high-tech water fountain...

It had tons of water jets all over the place stirring up the water in a bowl-shaped fountain...

So my mom thought this new fountain was a bit of a weird creation and all she could think of was, “Wouldn’t it be weird if someone threw some soap into that?” So she [opened] a brand-new box of Tide... then [upended] the entire box... into the water fountain.

Now remember, this was the early '70s... The detergent of today doesn’t make so many soap suds, but back in those days people had the impression more suds = more clean, which meant soap was deliberately engineered to be as sudsy as possible. So it wasn’t just the fountain that filled up with soap suds; the entire square the fountain occupied wound up filled with a mountain of soap suds.

And my mom didn’t run. She just stood there and watched the whole thing. Apparently I was having a good time as I was in the baby carriage laughing and playing with soap bubbles. And then the fire department showed up. The police showed up. A... news crew showed up. The whole thing wound up in newspapers and the evening news.

Mom never said a thing until years later: “That was me. I tossed a whole box of Tide in there.”

Is this hilarious?
2
They Saved A Turtle By Releasing It At SeaWorld

From Redditor /u/HigglePig:

My brother [got] a turtle for his birthday back in the day. My parents had obviously not known much about turtles, because eventually this little guy grew out of his habitat and started to smell up the house. Knowing Shelly wasn't happy, my family decided it was time to relocate him.

Their first idea was to find the nearest pond and release him, but my brother didn't want him to have to fight off predators. So we went with our second idea. We hid Shelly in a backpack and took him to our favorite place on the planet, SeaWorld, and let him go in the turtle exhibit, AKA turtle heaven.

We went back weekly and spotted him out of the bunch. I swear you could see a tiny turtle smile on his happy little face.

Is this hilarious?
3
They Heard A Future Coworker Poop Her Pants

From Redditor /u/raddlesnake:

In college, I was in one of our stairwells for one of the academic building after hours - I was using one of the empty classrooms to study...

On my way up the stairs to leave, I stopped to text. I'm terrible at texting and climbing stairs. While [I was] texting away, someone entered from the floor above me. As they started descending, they ripped the loudest, wettest, nastiest [gas] I've ever heard, followed by a wet sound and, "Ugh... groooossssss." This individual turned the corner and locked eyes with me.

She... had just sh*t her pants, thinking she was alone in the building. She was not alone. I walked past her and tried to pretend that I didn't notice what had very obviously just happened... I coughed and gagged a little.

She now works for the same company I work for in the same building. I see her all the time and she definitely remembers me. I don't know her name and try to avoid eye contact with her. I keep telling myself that one day I'll say hello and we'll laugh about what happened. We're not there yet.

Is this hilarious?
4
They're A Biker Who Quilts

From Redditor /u/draconiclyyours:

I can sew. Seriously, I'm a 6-foot, 300-pound biker who drinks Scotch and I've made a half-dozen quilts. Whenever someone asks about them, they're told my mother made them for us.

The only person that knows is my wife, and she's sworn to secrecy - mostly because I caught her playing FarmVille 2, which she is ridiculously embarrassed about.

Is this hilarious?