Everyone is always hustling to get their asses to the Super Bowl. Avid fans know they have to make some sacrifices and come prepared. But some people take acquisitioning their Super Bowl tickets just a little too far. From desperately posting offers to have sex with people, to selling strip club memberships, to using their pregnant bellies as collateral for a ticket, these resourceful individuals really have the resourcefulness to do what it takes to get to the Super Bowl.
Now, if only they could use all that creativity and plan ahead. Hopefully, you'll be able to score some tickets on your own so you won't have to resort to the measures that these people took in order to score tickets to the big game.Who in their right mind would sell sex for Super Bowl tickets? Here is the list of seven crazy people who tried to do exactly that.
You've probably heard of the story of Sarah Spain, the girl whose parents named her to become what she looks like she's good for (stripping, porn... I mean business and finance...). Sarah Spain is a HUGE Bears fan (da Bears), like bigger than her bra size big. She's, of course, from Los Angeles and decided that she'd post an eBay auction where she offered to be some poor schlub's awkward date to the Superbowl (because anyone that has to buy a date to the Super Bowl is obviously going to be, unfortunately, waaay out of her league.)
The cool part is she already had a place to stay AND a plane ticket. All she needed was just some guy lonely enough to have bought two Super Bowl tickets for himself and that girlfriend that, somehow, still doesn't "exist." After all kinds of douche nozzles were bidding all kinds of money to probably eventually have this girl's back-skin as part of their newest lampshade, the king of (and supplier to) most douches came in and saved the day...
Axe Body Spray.
They saw that this girl had enough "talent" to not only earn herself four 50-Yard-Line tickets for her and her buddies, but enough to use her as a contest they would run. The contest? Win a date with her to the Superbowl. Now THAT makes a lot more sense. Well played, Axe. So, some guy ended up winning, and was apparently a huge jerk to the girls and would refuse to go buy them beers (even though their hotness is what got him there in the first place). Sarah ended up hosting and modeling in a bunch of commercials, because that's what you do when you're hot as hell, talentless, lucky, and in Los Angeles.
First off, let's be honest, from a female perspective (if you're into guys who look like Blanka from Street Fighter) Troy Polamalu is a great looking dude: Troy Polamalu, with his gorgeous locks that cascade down his well-chiseled body and bounce seductively around the number on his jersey, is fine as hell. That's simply the truth of the matter... If you're into guys who look like they're the seemingly-impossible battles Jean-Claude Van Damme can't possibly beat but ends up doing so anyway at the last moment against all odds.
Anyway, there's this guy who looks like Troy Polamalu. And women probably go nuts over him. But this guy has become a John Mayer level douchebag (and hero to many a male throughout the world b/c c'mon, this is ballsy) by putting out an ad for him to "bang your wife" for Superbowl tickets.
Okay. This is a double doozy, which is why it gets first billing.
There's an arguably attractive man that decided to sell his body for Superbowl tickets on one hand. And think about how insanely ballsy this is – the specifications go "WIFE," not girlfriend. SO if things go horribly, then a marriage is being ruined for the sake of giving up tickets to the big game, not a random relationship, a MARRIAGE.
On the other hand, we have the worst husband in the world. The wife REALLY has to be in on it (or severely unhappy anyway) in order for this to work out for anyone.
So the worst part is that not only are two bodies being sold here, but one is being sold by someone that doesn't "own" one of them. Selling your life mate up the river for Superbowl tickets? Jesus.
Also, this guy is willing to pretty much be your slave for these things, which means stuff's going to be missing from your house whenever he comes over.
ALSO, may I point out that someone as dumb as this guy probably isn't well-versed in protection, and well, when he's in there banging your wife, she's going to get chlamydia, AIDS, syphilis, 12 yeast infections (that's right, 12; it's science, look it up), gonorrhea, and then she is going to die.
The specimen in question posted the ad pictured below, and to add insult to injury, threw in "bang your wife" with other items like "fix your pipes," and "clean your house for a year."
These, of course, are euphemisms.
He's willing to do a bunch of other stuff in there that's a lot more reasonable and makes a lot more sense, but nobody in their right mind would give up their wife, as well as probably two days worth of housework for $2000. When does anyone give housekeepers $1,000 a day?
What an idiot... and a legend.
Here is the actual text of the ad:
I have a problem. I NEED to go to the Superbowl but I can't afford the $2000 ticket. What do I have to offer otherwise? Myself.
-I can fix your pipes.
-Shovel your snow for a year.
-Repair your computer.
-Drive your kids around.
-Entertain you by performing a stupid dare.
-Bang your wife.
-Clean your house for a year
YOU NAME IT I CAN DO IT (I won't cut my hair or kill anyone). I just need you to give me your Superbowl ticket.Email me with your offer and you can have your very own Troy Polamalu look alike!
Jennifer Gordon was eight months pregnant, a diehard Bears fan, desperate for tickets to Superbowl XLI, and entirely willing to auction off her pregnant belly in order to get to the big game. An unusual ploy, but the whole operation panned out beautifully. Gordon casually posted a creepy ad that feels vaguely like it belongs in the tawdry parts of craigslist.
The ad was titled "My body for Your Super Bowl Tickets," and got nearly 200 offers, many of them of which she dubbed "X-rated" (which must have been shocking for all parties involved, because who would have expected that from the Internet?). She ended up choosing a Chicago-based company called Ubid.com, and on game day, proudly wore an extra sexy belly shirt to show off the goods. You've gotta give her credit for effectiveness... she got seats on the 50 yard line, and she looks pretty damn in shape in those sweet kicks.Sometimes, hot chicks, even pregnant ones, get whatever they want. And by sometimes, I mean every day. You should sign up to become one today!
So this woman immediately makes it clear that she is "not selling sex!" and that she needs the tickets in order to impress her fiancee. However, she offers "a night with ME for Super Bowl tickets" on Craigslist, and further comments, "Hell, if I am drunk enough ... and you are cute enough ... maybe we will hit it off and be romantic."
Which will probably impress the hell out of her fiancee, if he ever finds out, so much so that he won't go near her again. This is confusing, though: On one hand she's a classy girl and simply won't bang some random guy to take her fiancee to the Super Bowl, yet, on the other hand, she's posting on Craigslist and making it clear that she's easy when she's having just a little bit of fun and is full of expensive booze.She finishes her post by saying that the tryst would have to be a "secret" because she wouldn't want her fiancee to find out how she got the ticket. Because that's what losing your Super Bowl tickets is worth, a night with a probably mediocre-looking girl and the looming suspicion that, at any moment in your life, someone will come busting through your door in a jealous rage wielding an ax.