Ladies: you're pregnant. Congratulations. That said, let's talk about the stuff you're going to be sharing for the next eight months that your friends absolutely cannot stand but are too polite to tell you. Things like, "if I see another sonogram I'm going to puke," and "Really? Are you really posting a picture of your afterbirth on Facebook?" Does this sound extreme and/or bizarre to you? It should!
There are a lot of things your friends on Facebook are seeing repeatedly that they are silently sick of and pregnancy updates are high on that list (along with workout schedules, whining about school, and dieting woes, among others). If you've ever looked at the feed on your social media and felt overwhelmed with hatred for the people posting the 17th update of the day regarding their third month (excuse me, excuse me: 15th WEEK) of pregnancy, this list is your chance to vote for the things that annoy you in the hopes that some of your friends and mine will get the hint and keep the water birth albums private in the future.
This Is Not the Time to Ask Your Single Friends When They'll Start Having Kids
There are two reasons your childless friends don't have kids: they don't want them, or they can't have them. Don't torture your friends by making them give you some BS answer while they try to work around your crazy hormonal outbursts.
One Sonogram Is Enough
Unless your baby is flipping the bird or showing signs of having a Guinness Record breaking weiner, one shot of your blob is plenty.
The Dirty Diaper Game Is Nasty
We will come to your baby shower, we will bring you baby clothes that the kid will wear twice, and we will make every attempt not to drink in your presence during the affair (or at least try hard to keep the flasking on the DL). But for GOD'S SAKE, stop melting candy bars in diapers and making us guess what's in them. If I want to see something that looks like poop, I'll go for Indian food.
We Don't Want to Hear About Your Water Birth (And We ESPECIALLY Don't Want to See It)
Unless you LITERALLY grew up on a farm, everything about the actual birthing process is gross. We don't care about your natural choices or the feelings you want the baby to experience. Call us when your vagina's sewn back up (but without talking about the sewing process and ABSOLUTELY no pictures).