Have you ever seen the live-action 101 Dalmatians? It’s okay if you haven’t, it’s just that you’re missing out on legitimately one of the craziest moves ever made. You may know the story of 101 Dalmatians thanks to the animated film from the '60s, but the 1996 live-action version of 101 Dalmatians is basically a fever dream. Not only does it feature Glenn Close chewing scenery for at least 30 of the most entertaining minutes in film history, but there are dogs doing things no living being should be allowed to do, and humans who must have had lobotomies trying to function in modern London. 101 Dalmatians is the most insane film ever made.
When was the last time you watched a movie so truly weird you kept saying to yourself, “Wait, what’s happening?” The only movie 101 Dalmatians can be reasonably compared to is Blue Velvet. It’s basically the same movie, except Kyle MacLachlan’s character is played by 99 Dalmatian puppies. It’s easy to point out everything wrong with 101 Dalmatians (and there’s a lot of questionable subtext in this children’s movie) but the movie isn’t exactly “bad,” it’s just truly weird in a way so few movies are anymore.
101 Dalmatians is objectively more confusing than Donnie Darko, mostly because it’s not trying to be confusing. This is a movie that was trying to sell as many tickets as possible, and appeal to a wide audience, which is absolutely bonkers. Keep reading to discover all the reasons 101 Dalmatians is crazy.
Whoever Trained Pongo Obviously Wasn't That GreatPhoto: Buena Vista Pictures
While Pongo is a very good boy when it comes to taking care of the dumb idiot Jeff Daniels, it looks like he's never seen a female dog before in his life. Pongo, the presumably extremely well-trained dog, goes crazy for Perdy and the very idea that he might have sex. So much so that he almost murders his beloved owner in the process of pulling him through London traffic. Act like you've been there before, Pongo!
Jeff Daniels Has No Idea What Pongo Looks LikePhoto: Buena Vista Pictures
After Pongo, Jeff Daniels's trusty slave of a dog, drags him through traffic and almost kills him, he manages to get off his leash and track down Perdy. When Daniels gets to the park where Perdy and Pongo are playing, he tries to put Perdy on Pongo's leash. How do you not know what your dog looks like? Jeff Daniels even has a F*CKING PHOTO OF PONGO taped to his computer where he does all of his terrible video game work, and that's just sad. For a guy who's allegedly super into his dog, he clearly put a bare minimum of effort in the "knowing what my dog looks like" department.
How Does Jeff Daniels Afford Anything?Photo: Buena Vista Pictures
There's a scene about four minutes into the movie (four minutes and twenty seconds to be exact) where Jeff Daniels says something about how he "has to make a sale soon" or he'll be eating Pongo's table scraps. If you're that destitute, one video game sale isn't going to fix everything. Also, maybe you shouldn't be sitting in the park with your dog. Get to work!
Here are three things that prove Jeff Daniels is monetarily fine:
1. He has an amazing flat (that's British for apartment).
2. He can afford to have the most well-trained dog in the world.
3. He has a random assortment of buzzers and buttons placed around his house for Pongo to use. You know who has that? Crazy rich people.
Someone Please Explain This WeddingPhoto: Buena Vista Pictures
First of all, Jeff Daniels and Joely Richardson get married after zero dates. None. They both almost drown on the same day, then decide to get hitched. It seems like the only reason they tie the knot is because their dogs are in love. That's not a reason to do anything other than schedule playdates for your dogs. But whatever, it seems like they make it work.
At the wedding, things get even weirder when Pongo and Perdy bow their heads when the priest says "Amen." Does that mean these dogs believe in God? Is it a dog god? Because that would be adorable. Who's a good boy? God's a good boy.
Also, why were all those f*cking dogs at the wedding? Was everyone they invited a dog owner? Or, somehow, did the dogs invite their dog friends? Why not just have the wedding at a dog church?