A generation of children dreamt of getting their Hogwarts acceptance letter in the mail, but would Hogwarts be fun to attend for real? Yes, there’s magic, lavish feasts, beautiful dorms, and whimsy galore, but there are some scary Hogwarts facts that reveal some of the very real, non-Voldemort related dangers present at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
There are so many reasons why it would be terrible to go to Hogwarts. After all, the simple act of walking from your dormitory to your class presents a myriad of potentially fatal scenarios. That, and the utterly abysmal education provided to the students, are just some of the reasons Hogwarts is the worst. Going to Hogwarts for a year-long exchange program would be fun, but enduring seven years of constant verbal assault and physical torture from students, staff, and ghosts would be emotionally and bodily devastating. Not to mention the fact you'd constantly need to be on your toes, because the floor might literally disappear beneath your feet. Seriously, when you consider the existential horrors lurking in the Harry Potter universe, you have to admit that Hogwarts would suck.
Face it – while the idea of going to Hogwarts seems amazing, the reality would be far from fantastical. You can decide for yourself, but there's an overwhelming amount of evidence that suggests it would be terrible to go to Hogwarts.
The Caretaker Repeatedly Expresses His Desire To Physically Torture Students
One of readers' earliest introductions to Argus Filch comes from the first Harry Potter book, wherein the Hogwarts caretaker reminisces about the good ol’ days of discipline, when caretakers were encouraged to torture students. He even keeps chains and manacles in his office, "just in case." Remember, this is a thing he talks about in front of children.
In Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Mrs. Weasley tells Harry and her family about the time when she and a young Mr. Weasley were caught taking a nighttime stroll on the Hogwarts grounds, and how Mr. Weasley still has the marks from his punishment by the former caretaker. That's... that's just child abuse, right?
Hogwarts Has The Worst Possible Vetting Process For Its Professors
Hogwarts is terrible at vetting its staff – assuming they vet them at all, of course. One of the darkest wizards in all of wizarding history was living on the back of Professor Quirrell's head for a year, and no one knew it. Unbeknownst to nearly everyone, the real Mad Eye Moody was secretly being kept hostage for the better part of the school year, while an escaped convict and known torturer taught classes in his place.
The school also hired Gilderoy Lockhart, an incompetent celebrity with almost no qualifying skills for the position he occupied, and Dolores Umbridge, a soulless bureaucrat who took joy in forcing her students to self-mutilate by carving standards into their flesh. While Umbridge's appointment as the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor was an act of the Ministry's, they play a large role in the implementation of vetting practices for what seems to be the ONLY major wizarding school in the UK.
The Defense Against the Dark Arts position wasn't cursed. Hogwarts just needed a Human Resources department.
You Can Fall Off A Ledge And Die Because The Stairs Are Jerks
While the way the staircases move was never explicitly stated in the Harry Potter books, in the films the stairs literally swing from side to side, whisking unsuspecting students away from their common rooms and their scheduled classes to rooms that sometimes house giant, three-headed dogs, and sometimes worse things.
Rowena Ravenclaw designed the moving layout of Hogwarts, incorporating stairways with steps that vanished halfway up, probably to keep the nose-in-a-book Ravenclaws on their toes and the school nurse busy. Regardless, going to class every day would be an exercise in terror and unpredictability.
A Forest Full Of Murderers Is Used For Children's Detention
There’s a reason the Forbidden Forest is, well, forbidden. It’s filled with dangerous beings like the acromantulas who would happily eat you, along with powerful trolls and giants who have been known to attack witches and wizards. Despite all this, Hogwarts regularly uses visits to the forest as a form of detention, bringing 11-year-olds face-to-face with these beings in the dead of the night.