It's no secret people do some absolutely crazy sh*t to get off. Puberty is easily the worst time in your life sexually (unless you're Anthony Kiedis), and the torturous pangs of a dissatisfied libido drive many to truly pathetic feats. From getting off right next to your parents (but not with them, obviously; that's a matter for another list) to having intercourse with random objects (which, let's be honest, some of you still do in adulthood, after the rise of the Tinders of the world, which have turned the world into a bacchanal buffet), you nasty and you know it (fap your hands).
The great part about this collection of pathetic masturbation stories is you can see yourself in each and every one of these people (maybe not literally). All of these pathetic weasel greasers and double clickers were in arguably the most relatable position of all time: horny, scared, and alone. Indeed, it's (rock) hard to stop reading these stories once you get started, because you know the poetic anecdotes will make you feel better about yourself. To quote Alan Bennett's play History Boys:
“The best moments in reading are when you come across something – a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things – which you had thought special and particular to you. Now here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met, someone even who is long dead. And it is as if a [fapping] hand has come out and taken yours.”
Either that or this list will cause repressed memories from your most desperate, loin-searing hours to dramatically moisten your soul and ruin your day. Either way, these stories from a reddit thread asking "what is the most pathetic thing you've done because you were horny" should keep you on your toes. To paraphrase Julius Caesar,"You fapped, you came, you realized you made a terrible mistake."
The weird part about these button stroking, missile choking stories (as if there's only one weird part about them) is almost every single one of these people insist their mortifying self-appeasement episodes were written in the stars (or at least the reflection of stars in a condom-choked gutter). There was no way to avoid the touching and subsequent shame, no matter what stood in the way, regardless of who was in the room. The sense of urgency and manifest destiny when you're that turned on destroys the rational part of your brain, and you become a creature of pure lust, chasing the orgasm dragon until satisfied.
Which begs the question, is there overlap between the philosophies of Buddhism stressing the obliteration of human consciousness and the mind-shattering realities of extreme, obsessive horniness? That part of the brain is weird and terrifying, but is probably one of the reasons, evolutionarily, humans took over the world. Surely the great non-human animal species of the world would all starve to death if they spent as much time figuring out how to bust the proverbial nut as humans do. Thank god for plebs. Were it not for farm hands, those rough-hewn, hay-loft-fornicating tillers of moist earth and spreaders of bountiful seed, you would have nothing to fuel your fiendish quest for a little death.
So read on with that in mind: Every one of these stories is exactly why we, as humans, took over planet earth.
Why Not Burn Your D*ck After Greasing it Up with Hand Sanitizer?
"I once masturbated with hand sanitizer. Those of you who have been in this position know this is already a bad idea. Being the pyromaniac I was at fourteen, I also knew that when lighting hand sanitizer on fire on your hand, it burned slowly and not as hot. So I was like 'what the hell' and found a lighter. Went at it until I was about to finish, and then lit my crotch ablaze. I was immediately in pain, flipping over in bed to put out my firey genitalia. I did not cum that night. And as a cherry on top, peeing the next day hurt like a motherf*cker because of the hani-sani. 0/10 do not recommend."
Clean Your Veggies After You Plunge the Clunge with Them (Because Mom Gets Hungry)
"I masturbated with a cucumber when I was a teenager.
Washed it off, put it back in the fridge.
Mom ate it the next day."
Just Another Saturday Night: Naked, Alone, Using Your Own Piss as Lube
"I'm a 'wet wank' guy - can't do it dry, ever, full-stop. One night I was alone in my dorm room and so damned horny... and I was out of lube. I look for lotion... none. Now I'm frantically doing the math in my head... toothpaste? Nah. Deodorant gel? Probably not a good idea. I know, I know... you're thinking, why not just spit in your hand? Well, that's a thing I can't do... I hate spit. I HATE it. The smell of it, even the thought of it just makes me want to vomit. So that was out. Then it hit me... I'll piss just a little in my hand and that'll get me where I need to go.
So I did. And I used it to jerk for about a minute or two before I had a crushing realization that I was sitting in my dorm room, naked on the floor, with piss all over my hand and d*ck rubbing one out on a Saturday night. I think I died a little inside right there and then."
Tripping the Switch on the Couch with Mom While Talking Sh*t on Courtney Love
"I used to masturbate while on the couch with people in the room. (I'm a girl and would put a blanket on my lap so it was really discreet). One time I remember watching that Soaked in Bleach documentary with my mom while doing it and I came with a groan and she was just like 'I know, Courtney love pisses me off too.'"