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Scary Movie 5 Movie Quotes

Updated June 8, 2017 158 votes 48 voters 13.2k views12 items

"Scary Movie 5" movie quotes follow the laughs in the fifth edition of the horror film parody series. Directed by Malcolm D. Lee and written by David Zucker, "Scary Movie 5, which features an ensemble cast different from the previous films in the series, was released in theaters in the United States on April 12, 2013.

In "Scary Movie 5," married couple Dan (Simon Rex) and Jody (Ashley Tisdale) bring home their newborn baby, Aiden, from the hospital with joy but soon their home situation turns to scary when strange things start happening. To help them determine the cause, they, along with friend Kendra (Erica Ash), enlist a number of so-called experts, like a "professional psychic" (Katt Williams) who instead of excising the demons, rather steals their valuables, and a dream extractor, spoofing on the film "Inception," who has an equipment malfunction that leads to some gross results.

Dan and Jody discover some old video tapes from the past residents of the house and watch them in the hopes of learning more about their demons. Instead, they get some bedroom action between Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan, playing themselves. Jody also looks for help from her mother, Barbara (Heather Locklear), but Barbara focuses the attention on herself in a spoof from "Black Swan." As Dan and Jody are not finding any insight into their hauntings, the situation grows more dire and they are forced to step up their investigation to keep themselves and their baby safe in their home.

If you're had enough "Scary Movie" sequels, there are many of other great films in theaters at the same time such as "Evil Dead," "Jurassic Park 3D," "G.I. Joe: Retaliation," "Olympus Has Fallen," "Admission," "The Croods," "Upside Down," "Ginger & Rosa," "The Call," "The Incredible Burt Wonderstone," "Emperor," "Dead Man Down," "Oz: The Great and Powerful," "Stoker," "A Good Day to Die Hard," "Side Effects," and "Identity Thief."
  • 1

    Blaine Folder, Professional Psychic

    Video: YouTube

    Blaine Folder: "Blaine Folder, professional psychic. I'm going to have to get some of your, uh, personal belongings here. It's just so I can run them for ghost and demon residue."
    Dan: "Hey, this is stealing!"
    [Blaine punches Dan]
    Blaine Folder: "Demons got my fist, ma'am"

    To help get to the bottom of what is happening in their home, Jody and Dan hire a psychic, Blaine Folder. Blaine claims he needs to take some of their valuables for testing but Dan sees it as nothing more than stealing. Seems Blaine is accustomed to using the demon justification for many things, assault included.
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  • 2

    Front Door Open

    Video: YouTube

    Jody: "Kendra?"
    Kendra: "What?"
    Jody: "There's someone out there!"
    Security System Voice: "Front door open, front door open, front door open"
    Jody: "Someone's in the house! They broke in!"
    Kendra: "Okay, just stay clam. I want you to stay calm."
    Security System Voice: "Front door open"
    Kendra: [to security system] "Shut the hell up!
    Security System Voice: "Front door open. Underwear drawer open." [to Kendra] "No need for that, b****!"
    Kendra: "B****?!"

    While on video chat with her friend Kendra, Jody is frightened when she sees an intruder break into her house. While Jody is worried about the man in her home, Kendra is about to come to blows with the security system voice.
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  • 3

    Always Some Ballerina

    Jody: "A psychic told me a witch is out to get me."
    Barbara: "There's always some ballerina who won't give up the spotlight. I danced the Swan when I was pregnant with you."
    [flashback of Barbara giving birth during the ballet performance]
    Ballet Crowd Member: "This is not ballet!"
    Madea: "Shore the hell ain't"

    Jody meets with her mother, Barbara, to talk about the unexplained happenings in her life. Barbara on the other hand makes the situation about herself, as she did in this scene which spoofs on the film "Black Swan."
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  • 4

    Private Life

    Video: YouTube

    Lindsay Lohan: "I don't want to end up all over the Internet. I pride myself on keeping a low profile. My private life is private… Wait, what are all these?"
    Charlie Sheen: "Oh, just some movies I rented"
    Lindsay Lohan: [Reads the video title] "Me and Brandy, missionary?"
    Charlie Sheen: "A tale of two girls who become nuns"
    Lindsay Lohan: [Points to a wall of video cameras] "And what are all those?"
    Charlie Sheen: "Oh, it's just your standard home security setup, basic run of the mill"
    Lindsay Lohan: "And why do you need security cameras pointing at your bed?"
    Charlie Sheen: "In case a burglar tries to steal my sex tapes. Come on, let's get into bed."

    Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen converse about the odd contents of his bedroom which includes entirely too many video cameras and what seems like hundreds of sex tapes. First, Charlie plays it off but inadvertently admits the real intent later on.
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