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Who You Would Be In A Scary Movie, According To Your Zodiac Sign

Which scary movie trope are you? Your astrology sun sign says what role you play in life, so why not on the big screen also? Whether you’re a sinister-yet-tortured Scorpio or stubborn-as-a-death-sentence Taurus, you deserve to be a star. Or at least to not get killed in the first five minutes.

One of the joys of watching a scary movie is yelling at the characters for being such complete, death-wish morons. It’s convenient to act like we’re better than them, because we aren’t currently fleeing zombies or stepping on every creaking board in our attempt to hide from a serial killer with terrible skin. But astrology has a way of calling us out. When mutant slime seeps up from the floorboards, your zodiac sign reveals which horror movie character you’d really be. Not all of us are good guys and, sorry to say, most of us will be biting it in blood-spurting glory before the credits role. Spoiler alert: the Libras survive.

  • In life, you may get tired of winning, but in horror flick-land, your bold, forces-of-good-over-evil style smacks of suicidal hubris. You’re the guy in Act I who sets off with a flickering flashlight and a pocket knife. Come on, Leo! What are you planning to do with that thing? Stab a succubus in the eyeball? We want you to succeed, but it’s satisfying to watch you pale in terror as, off-screen, the monster approaches.

    Your signature line: “I got this, baby.”

    • Category: Constellation
  • Neither sleet, nor hail, nor an army of the undead can keep you from going to work. You’re happiest when you’re on the clock, attending to your duties, and logical enough not to take mass hysteria seriously. What if people are screaming and running down the street? You’ve got a to-do list to check off. You do like to be helpful (and secretly have mad skills), so when the mob bursts into your fast food joint, you humbly and happily use your fryer basket to scald the skin off a zombie.

    Your catchphrase: “Anyone would do the same.”

    • Category: Constellation
  • Audiences underestimate you, Libra. Maybe that’s because your cleavage isn’t exploding from your shirt (in the first scene, anyway) and your muscles are an understated, I-do-a-crunch-now-and-then size. But it takes more than brawn to fight a villain. What you lack in attention-getting, you make up in conversational skill and subtle brains. You’re a genius at getting a bloodthirsty narcissist chatting about all the things he’s going to do once he’s caught you. Whammo! That’s when you shoot to kill.

    Your tagline: “How am I going to get the stains out of this shirt?”

    • Category: Constellation
  • Scorpio - The Possessed Teenager

    You might be semi-evil, but unlike Geminis, you have the decency to feel tortured about it. Everything can be going along so nicely – making straight A’s, dating the quarterback – when flames shoot out of your eyes. It’s no picnic to find yourself literally tearing the heart out of your father’s chest to eat it, but it is a relief to finally stop hiding your anger. An added perk of getting exorcised is you get to have spirit-sex with a priest, which suits your boundary-crossing eroticism. In the end, everyone will think the demon has been freed but you know it’s just biding its time for the sequel.

    Your signature line: “I’m fine, Mother.”

    • Category: Constellation