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Who You Would Be In A Scary Movie, According To Your Zodiac Sign

Which scary movie trope are you? Your astrology sun sign says what role you play in life, so why not on the big screen also? Whether you’re a sinister-yet-tortured Scorpio or stubborn-as-a-death-sentence Taurus, you deserve to be a star. Or at least to not get killed in the first five minutes.

One of the joys of watching a scary movie is yelling at the characters for being such complete, death-wish morons. It’s convenient to act like we’re better than them, because we aren’t currently fleeing zombies or stepping on every creaking board in our attempt to hide from a serial killer with terrible skin. But astrology has a way of calling us out. When mutant slime seeps up from the floorboards, your zodiac sign reveals which horror movie character you’d really be. Not all of us are good guys and, sorry to say, most of us will be biting it in blood-spurting glory before the credits role. Spoiler alert: the Libras survive.

  • Aries - The One Who Unleashed The Demonic Forces

    You’re not actually an idiot, but you do get bored easily and that makes for impulsive decisions. What’s an all-American kid to do when forced to hang out with his distracted parents in a creepy old house? There are weird noises coming from the attic – better investigate! It’s part bravery, part total disregard for rules, but usually when you unwittingly release demonic forces, it’s because you were trying to keep yourself entertained. On the bright side, without you, there’d be no movie.

    Your signature line: “What’s in here?”

    • Category: Constellation
  • You’re nobody’s fool, Taurus, and that’s exactly why you refuse to leap on the bandwagon without solid proof. Besides, you really like your home, your job, your friends, your family, your car, your stuff. You know that running from a serial killer translates to heavy property damage, and that’s just not your style. Also, it involves running, which is so... sweaty. You would do well in, maybe, the fifth installment of a horror movie franchise, when you’ve had enough preparation time to choose the perfect baseball bat, lock your door and call in sick to work. Unfortunately, most scary movies require quicker reflexes.

    Your signature line: “You’re overreacting.”

    • Category: Constellation
  • People are ridiculously gullible. When you want to, you can play them like a toy piano. Like the church-going blond kid who murders puppies in his spare time, you have an eerie gift for seeming completely innocent when you’re up to no good. You have a psychopath’s need for constant stimuli, so why not create a little mayhem? You can also get along with almost anyone, which makes sweet-talking neighborhood moms a breeze. You’re the most likely to survive to make a sequel – assuming you don’t cross paths with the Libran Final Girl or the Pisces Touched Child.

    Your catchphrase: “You have to believe me!”

    • Category: Constellation
  • You only got into this whole babysitting thing because some girl told you there’d be free snacks. Then the creepy phone calls started. Then the electricity got cut. You ended up snuggling on the sofa with the three bratty kids more out of fear than anything, but, damn it, one of them is crying. You’re a sucker for tears, and any defenseless creature depending on you for protection. Which is why, now, your moody self is ready to KILL.

    Your tagline: “Hand me that axe.”

    • Category: Constellation