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The Most Ridiculous Things Scientologists Really Believe 

Jacob Shelton
64.1k views 15 items

When it comes down to it, every religion or faith-based philosophy is filled with a lot of weird stuff. But when L. Ron Hubbard created Scientology, he made sure to jam every unused, half-baked idea he ever had into this kooky and secretive religion. On the surface, Scientology seems to be an organization that’s about talking about your feelings while tithing and bothering people on Sunset Boulevard, but when you add a crazy notion like “an intergalactic monster that threw everyone into a volcano” into the mix, people start to look at your group differently. After you really look into the Church of Scientology, it’s easy to see how ridiculously sci-fi the whole thing really is, and while people should be allowed to believe what they want, it’s odd that church elders wouldn’t be upfront about their strange beliefs.

What do Scientologists believe? That’s not as easy a question to answer as you think it would be. While the organization has changed drastically since the days of LRH making up new church doctrines off the top of his head, there’s still plenty of science fiction goodness to go around. Because members of Scientology are so secretive about their bizarre beliefs and rituals, it’s likely that all of the sci-fi gobbledygook that you’re about to discover is just the surface of their weirdness, and for all us Wogs know they’re working on a way to teleport John Travolta to the moon. Continue reading to go through the looking glass. 

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Post-Death Implant Stations
Post-Death Implant Stati... is listed (or ranked) 5 on the list The Most Ridiculous Things Scientologists Really Believe
Photo:  TBIT/Pixabay/CC0 1.0

Did you think you were free from the fear of implants once you were dead? If so, you're a real ding-dong. Just because you're dead doesn't mean that the thetans in your body aren't subject to being implanted with more negative feelings and false information. According to Hubbard, after death, your main thetan (different from "body thetans," the souls of those pesky volcano aliens that have taken up residence inside you) is sent to an "implant stations" in outer space where its memories are erased and new, false ones are inserted.

According to the author, the stations operate like turnpike gas stations, some of them being better than others. He even warned followers to avoid the station on Venus. How about a trigger warning for all the Venutians out there, L. Ron? 

Heaven Is based on Pasadena
Heaven Is based on Pasad... is listed (or ranked) 6 on the list The Most Ridiculous Things Scientologists Really Believe
Photo: Karol Franks/flickr/CC-BY-NC-ND 2.0

Suddenly Heaven seems much less appealing. In a letter to his followers, L. Ron Hubbard admits that he was never keen on the idea of Heaven because it sounded kind of "corny." But then he had a revelation. After some soul searching, he remembered that not only had he been to Heaven, but everyone had been to Heaven, and our implants had simply wiped it from our memory.

It turns out, if you want to get a good idea of what Heaven looks like, all you have to do is hop on the 2. "The gates of the first series are well done, well built. An avenue of statues of saints leads up to them. The gate pillars are surmounted by marble angels. The entering grounds are very well kept, laid out like Bush Gardens in Pasadena, so often seen in the movies. Aside from the implant boxes which lie across from each other on the walk there are other noises and sounds as though the saints are defending and berating."

Atlantis: Civilization of the Future, Yesterday
Atlantis: Civilization o... is listed (or ranked) 7 on the list The Most Ridiculous Things Scientologists Really Believe
Photo: MGM Domestic Television Distribution

Try to picture what life was like in 1135 BCE: Ramses VII is just about to begin his ascent to the throne in Egypt, Apheidas and Thymoetes will quarrel over who's the rightful ruler of Greece, and the electronic civilization of Atlantis will use its disintegration rays in the "complex battle between the fourth invader force from Space Command and the fifth invader force from Martian Command."

Why didn't Lin-Manuel Miranda write a Broadway show about that? 

Fear the Marcabians
Fear the Marcabians is listed (or ranked) 8 on the list The Most Ridiculous Things Scientologists Really Believe
Photo: Scientology Media/Wikimedia Commons

As a pulp sci-fi writer, L. Ron Hubbard knew that every good science fiction story needs a race of evil aliens to really sell the plot; thus, the Marcabians were born. To put itvin sci-fi terms that we can all understand, the Marcabians are what you would have if the Romulans had joined the Federation in Star Trek, or if you didn't grow up being babysat by television, they're the Nazis if the Nazis were in the UN.

What do the Marcabians want with us? It's simple. The Marcabians use Teegeeack Earth as a dumping ground for prisoners and people they deem unfit for society by wiping their memories and dropping their thetans off at the nearest volcano. They also, fun fact, believe they created homo sapiens as a species, and because of this, they think they have a claim over our bodies/planet/et al. What they'd like to do is brainwash everyone on the planet to become subservient to them, but so far that hasn't happened, thanks to one brave man.