• Total Nerd

The Most Ridiculous Things Scientologists Really Believe

When it comes down to it, every religion or faith-based philosophy is filled with a lot of weird stuff. But when L. Ron Hubbard created Scientology, he made sure to jam every unused, half-baked idea he ever had into this kooky and secretive religion. On the surface, Scientology seems to be an organization that’s about talking about your feelings while tithing and bothering people on Sunset Boulevard, but when you add a crazy notion like “an intergalactic monster that threw everyone into a volcano” into the mix, people start to look at your group differently. After you really look into the Church of Scientology, it’s easy to see how ridiculously sci-fi the whole thing really is, and while people should be allowed to believe what they want, it’s odd that church elders wouldn’t be upfront about their strange beliefs.

What do Scientologists believe? That’s not as easy a question to answer as you think it would be. While the organization has changed drastically since the days of LRH making up new church doctrines off the top of his head, there’s still plenty of science fiction goodness to go around. Because members of Scientology are so secretive about their bizarre beliefs and rituals, it’s likely that all of the sci-fi gobbledygook that you’re about to discover is just the surface of their weirdness, and for all us Wogs know they’re working on a way to teleport John Travolta to the moon. Continue reading to go through the looking glass. 

  • Xenu Is One Bad Space-Dude

    Photo: tacosdelaluna / Wikimedia Commons

    What's so sci-fi about an intergalactic warlord that wants to enslave humanity? Just everything. One of the most well-known, and strangest, Scientology beliefs is the existence of Xenu, an alien galactic ruler who was king of the planets, especially Teegeeack Earth.

    Xenu knew that the galaxy was faced with overpopulation so he did the one thing that made sense: he got together all of the space-psychiatrists who were available and had them inject the inhabitants of the universe with a substance that immobilize them. After that, he had their bodies loaded into space planes that looked exactly like DC-8s, flew the space-DC-8s to Teegeeack Earth, and dropped the paralyzed bodies of his constituents around a series of active volcanoes, which he then blew up with a hydrogen bomb. Say what you want about Scientology, but you have to admit that they're the only religion that has a Bond villain for an antagonist. 

  • Theaters of the Damned

    Photo: > sieg / flickr / CC-BY-NC-ND 2.0

    Have you ever wondered how so many different cultures were able to create the same God/Devil/Savior mythology? Joseph Campbell says that this kind of comparative mythology is how various cultures attempt to explain their existence and that people are subconsciously attracted to the idea of the hero, which is why you have Jesus, Muhammad, and the Buddha sharing similar stories.

    Well, that's all horsesh*t, because what really happened is after Xenu dropped all of those alien bodies off next to active volcanoes, all of their souls floated into the sky, were captured by sticky electronic beams, and hauled off to special theaters. There, the souls were shown 3D images that jammed misleading information into their soul brains like the concept of God, The Devil, and Christ. And then those souls floated back to Earth and took up residence inside our bodies and gave us all those silly false ideas.

  • The Galactic Confederacy

    Photo: Lucasfilm/Disney

    Everything you think you know about the universe is a packet of rotting baloney, because while you're reading up about the milky way and gravity (whatever that is!), LRH is dropping knowledge about the Galactic Confederacy and their control of Teegeeack Earth. Like the UN, Federation of Planets, Empire, First Order, The Alliance, or the Spacing Guild, the Galactic Confederacy is a collection of planets who work together to govern the universe.

    There are good guys, there are bad guys, and there's probably been a rebel alliance that's stolen plans from them concerning a moonlike weapon that's not actually a moon. 

  • The R6 Implant

    Photo: Fernost / Wikimedia Commons

    According to Scientology doctrine, "implants" are a form of thought insertion where someone with evil intent (like Xenu, or a psychiatrist) will attempt to put a fixed idea in your head. The ideas could be anything from "candy corn is real corn only better," to "the Mission Impossible movies are an attempt to make audiences forget that Tom Cruise is a weirdo." When Xenu locked all of those alien souls in a movie theater and forced them to watch 3D images about the Christian religion, that was a form of implanting. But there's supposedly an even worse implant, and if you try to remember what it is - you'll die!

    According to L. Ron Hubbard, the R6 implant is "calculated to kill (by pneumonia, etc.) anyone who attempts to solve it." Whatever you do, don't try to solve this implant!