Stewie Griffin Quotes

Stewie Griffin quotes make us laugh, cringe, and often face-palm as they are uttered by the infant on the popular prime time animated series Family Guy. Though he's just a baby, Stewie certainly has an impressive vocabulary, which he shares with viewers via series creator and lead voice talent Seth MacFarlane.

Stewie Griffin has become a favorite character on the series because of his wise-beyond-his years commentary and snarky comebacks. No one would expect an infant to know foreign languages, yet the youngster is able to demand pancakes in Spanish and French in one episode. No one would expect him to comprehend what harlots do in another episode, yet he knows enough to ask them about any "tread left on their tires."

When he's not off on various adventures with family dog Brian or learning about female anatomy from the dirty magazine's under brother Chris' bed, Stewie Griffin spends much of his time plotting to slay his mother, Lois Griffin. One of his most popular quotes expresses his hatred for the women who gave birth to him when he often utters, "Damn you, vile woman!"

His other go-to lines depend on the situation. "Victory is mine!" for example is his favorite to celebrate an accomplishment, usually of the evil variety, while he uses the exclamation "Blast!" to express frustration and either "say whaaaaat?" or "What the deuce?" to express confusion or remark on a WTF moment.

Like the show itself, the best Stewie quotes are often distasteful and inappropriate but are what keep viewers coming back for more. So what if his head is shaped like a football, he's hilarious and that's why he's loved around the world.

  • 1
    226 VOTES

    Lois Mom Mum Mommy

    Lois Mom Mum Mommy
    Video: YouTube

    Stewie: "Lois, Lois, Lois, Lois, Lois, mom, mom, mom, mommy, mommy, mommy, mama, mama, mama, ma, ma, ma, ma, mom, mom, mom, mom, mommy, mommy, mama, mama, mama..."
    Lois: "What!?!"
    Stewie: "Hi"

    Just being a butthead, Stewie repeatedly yells for Lois as she's trying to rest by screaming her name first then variations on the title mom. When Lois finally responds, Stewie says "hi" and runs away laughing.
    226 votes
  • 2
    164 VOTES

    Damn, You Vile Woman

    Damn, You Vile Woman
    Video: YouTube

    Damn you vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your vile womb.

    Perhaps the most used Stewie quote, the tot often expresses his dislike for his mother, Lois, and curses her with the "damn you vile woman" line.
    164 votes
  • 3
    194 VOTES

    Cool Whip

    Cool Whip
    Video: YouTube

    Stewie: "Ooh, you've got some pie. Can I have a piece?"
    Brian: "Uh, ok"
    Stewie: "Hey, pass over some of that Cool wHip"
    Brian: "What?"
    Stewie: "Well, you put Cool wHip on pie."
    Brian: "It's Cool Whip"
    Stewie: "That's what I said, Cool wHip"
    Brian: "Cool Whip"
    Stewie: "Cool wHip"
    Brian: "Cool Whip"
    Stewie: "Cool wHip"
    Brian: "Why are you putting so much emphasis on the H?"
    Stewie: "What are you talking about? I'm just saying Cool wHip"
    Brian: "Say whip"
    Stewie: "Whip"
    Brian: "Now say Cool Whip"
    Stewie: "Cool wHip"
    Brian: "Cool Whip!"
    Stewie: "Cool wHip"
    Brian: "Cool Whip!"
    Stewie: "Cool wHip"
    Brian: "You're eating HAIR"

    Brian and Stewie disagree on the correct pronunciation of the word "whip" in Cool Whip, especially the fact that Stewie enjoys emphasizing the H in whip. Little does Stewie know however that the pie he's enjoying with the whipped topping contain his sister Meg's hair.
    194 votes
  • 4
    161 VOTES

    What The Deuce?

    What The Deuce?
    Video: YouTube

    What the deuce?

    Limited by the FCC, Stewie can't exactly curse on the primetime network animated series so instead, he uses the phrase "what the deuce?" to respond to the WTF moments.
    161 votes
  • 5
    173 VOTES

    I'd Love To Stay And Chat

    I'd Love To Stay And Chat
    Video: YouTube

    Stewie: "So Olivia, beautiful day"
    Olivia: "You're not going too far again, are you?"
    Stewie: "Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total ..."

    Sitting outside waiting for a ride home from the school for performing arts with Olivia, Stewie attempts to make small talk with his nemesis before Lois arrives to drive him home. As Stewie gets into the car, he pops off a line about how he'd like to stay but Olivia is a "total [witch]."

    173 votes
  • 6
    249 VOTES

    Where's My Money?

    Where's My Money?
    Video: YouTube

    Brian: "Stewie? Uh, hey."
    Stewie: "Hey there. So, uh, it's been 24 hours. Got my money?"
    Brian: "Ah... You know what, just give me till next Friday, I'll have it for you."
    Stewie: "Oh. Oh, that's funny. I could've sworn I said have it today.
    Brian: "Yeah, I don't have it, sorry."
    Stewie: "Oh, well, alright then. Mmm, that's good O.J."
    Brian: "Aaargh! Aaarghh!!"
    Stewie: "Yeah, that hurt?"
    Brian: "Aargh!"
    Stewie: "That hurt?"
    Brian: "What the hell?!"
    Stewie: "Yeah, that don't feel so good, does it? No, huh? Yeah, that's what happens, man!"
    Brian: "Oh, my God!"
    Stewie: "Yeah, that's what happens. Where's my money?! You gonna give me my money? Where's my money, man?! Where's the money, man?! Yeah, you like that?! That feel good?! Where's the money, man?! Where's my money?! You got till 5 o'clock. You hear me?! You got till 5 o'clock!
    Brian: "You freakin' psychopath!"
    Stewie: "Yeah, clean yourself up."

    In one of the more memorable scenes from the series, Stewie resorts to mob tactics in an attempt to settle a debt with Brian. When Brian fails to pay back Stewie's money, things get physical.

    249 votes