Unspeakable Times

Police Describe The Stupidest Cover Stories They’ve Ever Heard  

Lowe Saddler
2.6k views 15 items

Police officers are used to encountering criminals who just aren't very bright. In fact, the amount of delinquents who commit doltish offenses is staggering. Usually, the cover stories they use are even more idiotic than the offenses. And when cops hear the dumb explanations for these seemingly inconsequential crimes, they're often shocked.

Law enforcement officials started sharing these inane criminals' tales on Reddit, exposing just how little brain power is exerted by the common offender. 

He Was Giving Himself Insulin, Not Hard Drugs

From Redditor /u/Caleb33

I... revived a heroin overdose who woke up and commenced trying to convince me he was shooting insulin. Into his arm. After cooking it on a spoon, I guess?

Sleeping 'Neath The Bottle Rockets

From Redditor /u/A_Turkey_Named_Jive:

Some kids were shooting bottle rockets, no big deal, but they were in an area where there had been some burglaries, so we checked it out.

There were three of them when we pulled up, maybe 14 years old. Here's the thing though, they were pretty well cornered. On one side was a pond where we could easily catch them, on another side was a huge fence with barbed wire, and finally there was one side with an unclimbable embankment that lead to some rail road tracks. Like I said, we had them cornered.

Two of them take off for the embankment and hide in the trees/grass, while one runs towards the fence.

Well the two that ran for the embankment were pretty well hidden, but Mr. Solo realized the fence had barbed wire, panicked, and decided to lay flat on his belly in ankle high grass hoping we couldn't see him.

We walked up and asked him to get to his feet. Nothing. We repeated the directions. Do you know what he did? He rolled over, faked the biggest yawn he could muster and started stretching this way and that. Then he asked "Sorry, what? I was just sleeping."

The whole scene was too funny, so the officer and I start hysterically laughing, tell the kid he's not in trouble, and remind him not to run from the police.

This kid really thought he could pretend he just woke up from a nap, after we had just watched him sprint across the field and lay down. Good times.

The Weed Wasn't His Because He Smokes The Better Stuff

From Redditor /u/r_kay:

Called to the library for a loud drunken moron, was going to give him a ride somewhere to sober up:

"Is there anything in your pockets I need to know about?"

"I dunno, these ain't my pants..."

"...not ...your ...Pants?"

"Nope, pulled them out the lost and found and put them on 'cause I needed some pants."

"What happened to you pants?"

"I dunno! I woke up, my boys were gone, and I ain't have no pants!"

Pat him down: "Well, whoever left these pants is going to be pissed they left their spice in the pocket!"

"Naw man, that's weed! I don't smoke that fake bullshit!"

He Just Needed To Make Sure The Cocaine Was Still Working

From Redditor /u/F*ckedupUnicorn

A guy I caught [pleasuring himself] in a park. His excuse was, "I took a lot of cocaine last night and I needed to check it was still working."