If you watch a lot of scary movies, you’ve definitely had a moment where you realized you could survive the horror movie that you’re watching. Even if it’s full of scary movie monsters, most horror movies require the victims to be total idiots. Even the scariest horror movies ever made have some very easy to kill movie villains. A lot of horror movies not only require some form of suspension of disbelief, they also need you to believe that every character in the film would act like they had a full frontal lobotomy. People run upstairs, they ask “who’s there” when they hear something move in the woods, and they let creepy little dolls hang out in their homes. No one in their right mind would do this. There are definitely a few horror movies you don’t want to be stuck in but the films catalogued here are the movies films that you could survive using half your brain.
There are some truly terrifying figures in film, however those characters aren’t what you’ll be reading about. This is a run down of every unbelievable horror movie monster and least scary horror movie villain – sorry in advance if your fave pops up at any point. Whether they’re just a guy in a mask, a magical creature, or a creepy little doll these are the movie monsters a kid could fight.
There are so many problems with Chucky, the evil doll from Child's Play, that it's hard to know where to begin. The most obvious problem with this character is that it's a doll and no one should have a problem fighting a doll regardless of whether it has voodoo powers or not. Magical hocus-pocus is no match for a swift kick across the room. While Chucky may be have the soul of a serial killer, he's also dependent on adults wanting to have a creepy looking doll in their house.
Most of the kills in the first Child's Play occur because the characters don't seem to mind leaving a terrifying doll alone in their home. Would you ever allow a creepy doll like Chucky to be in your apartment for 10 minutes? Of course you wouldn't. And even if the doll managed to find its way into your home all you have to do is smash it with the heaviest book you have. And if you're not into reading, an X-Box One should do the trick.
The Tiny Puppets Of 'Puppet Master' Are As Easy To Take Down As Barbie
Of course, a B horror movie is bound to have much less scary and/or believable villains than a horror film with a higher concept, but even so the implied dread of the tiny puppets in the 1989 film Puppet Master is laughable. The leader of these hellish dolls, Blade, is described thusly, "He is 1'9", weighs 4 lbs, and bears a gothic-styled appearance." He's not even 2 feet tall. Yet these little evil toys go around killing plenty of people with their tiny little weapons and/or modified bodies.
In theory, before Tunneler - a puppet with a drill bit for a head - could drill into your brain, he'd have to climb up to your head. By which time any child could have thrown him across the room. Any of these villains seem easily capacitated by a stomp on the face. Might get a couple of scratches from their little knives, but how much force could they really put into them with their 4 lbs of body weight?
The Romero Zombies Would Be Outrun In A Heartbeat In 'Night Of The Living Dead'
When looking at George Romero's classic zombie trilogy - Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, and Day of the Dead - with a modern eye it's hard not to realize the obvious: Zombies are slow. Yes they're deadly in groups and the true villains of these films are other people, but to survive a slow zombie attack all you have to do is wear a comfortable pair of shoes and move at a moderate pace. In the instance that Romero's chomp-y boys come to life you'll have to figure out how to deal with rationing food, lighting a fire, and living without electricity for a while, but you don't have to worry about being bitten by a member of the undead.
Romero's zombies aren't just slow, they're decomposing at an alarming rate. It's safe to assume that waiting out the zombie apocalypse won't even take that long. When a body is buried in a coffin it can take up to 50 years to decompose. However, if a body is left out in the open - and zombies are nothing if not in the open - it decomposes much faster. If you you find a secure enough hiding space you should be able to sit tight while every zombie on earth decomposes within about a month. Anything that's left after 30 or so days is almost certainly going to be incapable of chasing you.
This may seem reductive to Candyman, one of the few villains with genuinely sympathetic backstory, but the only way you get stuck with Candyman is if you call him. You have to go out of your way to be murdered by this ghost with a hook for hand, so why would you do that? Common sense dictates that if you don't have a death wish you won't say his name five times in a mirror, but even if you do he's a Chicago-based creature. He specifically has a lair in Cabrini–Green which means that if you do accidentally make a call to Candyman, you can just leave Chicago.
Sure, you won't get any more of that delicious deep dish but you also won't have to be murdered by a guy with a hook for a hand.