13 Horrible and Unexpected Tattoo Side Effects  

Robert Wabash
1.3M views 13 items

Over 36% of Americans have at least one tattoo, whether it was a design that took 10 years to create or a random Japanese character chosen from the parlor's wall after a night of binge drinking. While many who have ink may regret their decision, they can get the mark removed. However, there are often scenarios where horrendous tattoo side effects rear their ugly head.

What are the worst consequences and side effects of getting a tattoo? From mercury poisoning to jail time to a longer than normal erection, there are a shocking number of things that can go wrong when getting a tattoo. These are those stories. *DUN DUN*

Tattoo Causes a Permanent Erection
Tattoo Causes a Permanent Erec... is listed (or ranked) 1 on the list 13 Horrible and Unexpected Tattoo Side Effects
Photo: Renee Comet/Wikimedia Commons/Public Domain

The male arousal drug Viagra suggests that you call your doctor immediately if an erection lasts longer than four hours. An erection that lasts longer than four hours is only good if you're in the bedroom and are named Sting.

Your tattoo artist suggests you consult a doctor after three months of having your new penis tattoo.

According to January 3, 2012's edition of The Journal of Sexual Medicine (NSFW), the "first case of non-ischemic priapism following penile tattooing," has occurred. The report details the observations made by doctors of an Iranian man, who after he had the brilliant idea to tattoo "good luck on your journeys," in Persian with his girlfriend's initials at the end on his penis, is now unable to be at anything less than half mast at all times. Forever.

How did this not seem like a bad idea to anyone? Doesn't he know that it's a bad luck to get the name of your significant other tattooed anywhere on your body, let alone your penis? That's the one spot future girlfriends will definitely be looking at.

What's he going to do once she dumps him for being a complete and utter idiot? Try to find another girlfriend with the initial "M," I suppose.

Apparently, the side effects aren't too disconcerting for the man, though, as he is no longer seeking corrective procedures. AKA, he thankfully (probably) doesn't work around any children.

Nevertheless, the doctors and researchers who authored the article conclude that "considering this case, we discourage penile tattooing." Thanks to those good doctors for that piece of sound advice.

Boy Band Singer Gets Mercury Poisoning from Tattoo
Boy Band Singer Gets Mercury P... is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list 13 Horrible and Unexpected Tattoo Side Effects
Photo: Wikimedia Commons/CC BY-SA 3.0

Tattoo ink is not regulated by any group – neither government nor private – and because of that, you can find all sorts of weird mucky muck in the ink – especially colored ink. You can find stuff like mercury, lead, and other allergens, which can lead to blood poisoning, which can potentially kill you.

Such a horrible thing occurred to Irish boybander Keith Duffy of Boyzone in 2008, postponing their highly-anticipated (???) reunion tour after being broken up for seven glorious years.

A few hours after receiving a tattoo, he began to fall ill. His arms and legs began to swell and then he collapsed before being rushed to a hospital. One of his fellow bandmates likened his appearance to the "Elephant man" – which can't be a good thing when half of your talent as an artist is to look good (if you're in a boy band).

But the real question about this story is why members of boy bands have the audacity to get tattoos. There's no way you can give off the "bad boy" image when you're singing "Wish I could tell by the look in your eyes/Don't leave my heart out here on the line," as the falsetto in a four-part harmony.

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Your Grandma Is Right for Once: Tattoo Causes HIV
Your Grandma Is Right for Once... is listed (or ranked) 3 on the list 13 Horrible and Unexpected Tattoo Side Effects
Photo:  niekvarlaan/Pixabay

Looks like ignorant people are going to start blaming HIV and AIDS on something other than the three H's (hemophiliacs, Haitians, and homosexuals) and explore other letters of the alphabet because of a recent news story. Which letter is that? The letter "T," which today stands for Tourists Thinking Third-world Tattoo-artists are Trustworthy.

Bali, a resort island in Indonesia, is known for its beaches, nightlife, and its drastic increase in HIV and AIDS cases.

One case has been all but confirmed in Australia and has led to doctors encouraging those who have gone under the needle in Indonesia to be tested for HIV and other blood-borne diseases. What the doctors should've said was, "DON'T GET A TATTOO IN INDONESIA," but what they did say was, "Yeah, you'll probably get AIDS after you get a tattoo in Indonesia, so you should probably get tested afterward."

Their leader later revealed the wonderful advice (which always sounds dumb when it's said publicly, but they wouldn't have to say it if people didn't keep running into these dumbass problems) to not get any tattoos or piercings in developing countries.

So if there's a place where you can't drink the water unless it's boiled, then served to you in a bag with a straw, don't get a procedure done on you that involves needles and causes you to bleed.

Man Tattoos His Crimes on His Chest, Somehow (??) Gets Caught
Man Tattoos His Crimes on His ... is listed (or ranked) 4 on the list 13 Horrible and Unexpected Tattoo Side Effects
Photo: Police Mugshot

This week on world's dumbest criminals ...

In January 2004, 23-year-old John Juarez, member of the Pico Nuevo gang (who specializes exclusively in providing fresh salsa to local restaurants), was murdered outside of a liquor store in Pico Rivera. The case went unsolved until 2008, when LAPD Sergeant Kevin Lloyd noticed some peculiar tattoos on the body of Rivera 13 member Anthony Garcia in his mugshot.

The tattoo is a visual confession, depicting Mr. Peanut being gunned down by a helicopter in front of Mr. Ed's Liquor store, with the words "Rivera Kills" above the scene. Garcia's nickname, as it turns out, is "chopper," while members of the Pico Nuevo gang are known as "peanuts" by their rivals. Police were able to decipher the blatantly obvious message on his chest and then brought him to justice.

While I appreciate the puns, what kind of an idiot actually illustrates his crimes on his chest? The kind that's now facing 65 years to life.