Movie Quotes Ted Movie Quotes  

Movie and TV Quotes
1.6k votes 1k voters 418.8k views 22 items
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'Ted' movie quotes include some of the funniest lines from this 2012 raunchy comedy movie starring Mark Wahlberg as John Bennett, a man trying to deal with the fact that his childhood teddy bear (who came to life when John was a kid) is his now constant companion. Seth MacFarlane wrote, directed and stars in 'Ted' (as the voice of the bear), and he delivers some of the most memorable quotes in the movie. See a favorite 'Ted' quote? Vote it up! And, if you have a particular favorite 'Ted' movie quote that's not listed here, add it!

When John Bennett was a child, he made a wish: He wished that his beloved stuffed teddy bear was real. That wish came true, which was awesome -- for a while. Now that John is an adult, Ted the bear is still with him...all the time. It's kind of cramping his style, too. Ted is rude, crude and socially unacceptable. Is it time for John to part ways with his oldest friend? 'Ted' also stars Mila Kunis, Giovanni Ribisi, Jessica Stroup, Laura Vandervoort and Joel McHale.

What are the best 'Ted' movie quotes? If you love these quotes from 'Ted,' you might also enjoy these lists of the best lines from 'That's My Boy,' 'Seeking a Friend for the End of the World,' 'Men in Black III,' 'Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted,' 'Moonrise Kingdom,' 'Jack and Jill,' 'The Dictator,' 'The Sitter,' 'Safety Not Guaranteed,' 'The Three Stooges,' 'Dark Shadows,' 'American Reunion,' 'Rock of Ages,' 'The Muppets,' and
1 402 VOTES

The Thunder Song

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Ted: "Thunder Buddies for life, right, Johnny?"
John: "F**kin' right!"
Ted: "All right, come on, let's sing "The Thunder Song"."
John: "All right."
John and Ted (singing together): "When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared. Just grab your thunder buddy and say these magic words: F**k you, thunder! You can suck my dick! You can't get me, thunder, 'cause you're just God's farts."

Ah, the Thunder Song: This is definitely one of the best quotes in the 'Ted' movie. Remember it the next time a storm comes along, and be sure to sing it loudly.
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2 253 VOTES

You're Hired

You're Hired is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list Ted Movie Quotes
Photo:  Ted/Universal Pictures

Ted: "That's because I was busy eating your wife's p***y."
Frank: "Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before."
Ted: "That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box."
Frank: "You're hired!"
Ted: "S**t."

Insult the boss' wife, get a job. If life were only this easy. Frank has no idea what he's just gotten himself into.
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3 129 VOTES

White Trash Name Game

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Ted: "I met a girl, she's a cashier."
John: "No way, that's awesome! Well, what's her name?"
Ted: "White trash name, guess."
John: "Mandi?"
Ted: "No."
John: "Marilyn?"
Ted: "No."
John: "Brittany?"
Ted: "No."
John: "Tiffany?"
Ted: "No."
John: "Candice?"
Ted: "No."
John: "Don't f**k with me on this, I know this s**t."
Ted: "Do you see me f**king with you? I'm completely serious."
John: "OK, speed round, I'm gonna rattle off some names and when I hit it, f**king buzz it."
Ted: "You do it, I will tell you."
John: "You got me?"
Ted: "Yeah."
John: "Alright" Brandi, Heather, Channing, Briana, Amber, Sabrina, Melanie, Dakota, Sierra, Vandi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tammy, Laura, Shelly and Shantelle? Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Christa, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nicki, Kelsy, Shauna, Jolene, Earlie, Claudia, Savannah, Cassie, Dolly, Kendra, Callie, Khloe, Devon, Emmylou, f**king Becky?!"
Ted: "Nope."
John: "Wait, was it any one of those names with a Lyn after it?"
Ted: "Yes!"
John: "Okay, Brandy Lyn, Heather Lyn..."
Ted: "Tammy Lyn."
John: "F**k!"

Ted has a new girlfriend? Possibly so. At least he met her at work and not in some seedy bar (or worse)...
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4 144 VOTES

Boston Women

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Ted: "All I'm saying, is that Boston women are, on the whole, a paler, uglier sort than women from the elsewheres of life."
John: "That's bulls**t, what about Lori? She's hot."
Ted: "No, Lori's from Pennsylvania, that's not a Boston girl."
John: "They're not that bad."
Ted: "See, the fact that you have to say 'They're not that bad' means that they are that bad. You ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm? Ohhhh YAAH, oooh YAH! HAAAHHHDAH, haaahhhhdahhh, ohh GAWD that was so good..."

Ted's rather colorful description of Boston women in the throes of ecstasy probably cracked Mark Wahlberg up. After all, Wahlberg is a Boston guy all the way (though his wife, model Rhea Durham, is a Florida native).
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