The Funniest Quotes From 'Ted'

'Ted' movie quotes include some of the funniest lines from this 2012 raunchy comedy movie starring Mark Wahlberg as John Bennett, a man trying to deal with the fact that his childhood teddy bear (who came to life when John was a kid) is his now constant companion. Seth MacFarlane wrote, directed and stars in 'Ted' (as the voice of the bear), and he delivers some of the most memorable quotes in the movie. See a favorite 'Ted' quote? Vote it up! And, if you have a particular favorite 'Ted' movie quote that's not listed here, add it!

When John Bennett was a child, he made a wish: He wished that his beloved stuffed teddy bear was real. That wish came true, which was awesome -- for a while. Now that John is an adult, Ted the bear is still with him...all the time. It's kind of cramping his style, too. Ted is rude, crude and socially unacceptable. Is it time for John to part ways with his oldest friend? 'Ted' also stars Mila Kunis, Giovanni Ribisi, Jessica Stroup, Laura Vandervoort and Joel McHale.

What are the best 'Ted' movie quotes? If you love these quotes from 'Ted,' you might also enjoy these lists of the best lines from 'That's My Boy,' 'Seeking a Friend for the End of the World,' 'Men in Black III,' 'Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted,' 'Moonrise Kingdom,' 'Jack and Jill,' 'The Dictator,' 'The Sitter,' 'Safety Not Guaranteed,' 'The Three Stooges,' 'Dark Shadows,' 'American Reunion,' 'Rock of Ages,' 'The Muppets,' and

  • 1
    282 VOTES

    You're Hired

    Ted: "That's because I was busy eating your wife's p***y."
    Frank: "Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before."
    Ted: "That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box."
    Frank: "You're hired!"
    Ted: "S**t."

    Insult the boss's wife, get a job. If life were only this easy. Frank has no idea what he's just gotten himself into.

  • 2
    140 VOTES

    Boston Women

    Boston Women
    Video: YouTube

    Ted: All I'm saying, is that Boston women are, on the whole, a paler, uglier sort than women from the elsewheres of life.
    John: That's bulls**t, what about Lori? She's hot.
    Ted: No, Lori's from Pennsylvania, that's not a Boston girl.
    John: They're not that bad.
    Ted: See, the fact that you have to say 'They're not that bad' means that they are that bad. You ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm? Ohhhh YAAH, oooh YAH! HAAAHHHDAH, haaahhhhdahhh, ohh GAWD that was so good...

    Ted's rather colorful description of Boston women in the throes of ecstasy probably cracked Mark Wahlberg up. After all, Wahlberg is a Boston guy all the way (though his wife, model Rhea Durham, is a Florida native).

  • 3
    191 VOTES

    White Trash Name Game

    White Trash Name Game
    Video: YouTube

    Ted: I met a girl, she's a cashier.
    John: No way, that's awesome! Well, what's her name?
    Ted: White trash name, guess.
    John: Mandi?
    Ted: No.
    John: Marilyn?
    Ted: No.
    John: Brittany?
    Ted: No.
    John: Tiffany?
    Ted: No.
    John: Candice?
    Ted: No.
    John: Don't f**k with me on this, I know this s**t.
    Ted: Do you see me f**king with you? I'm completely serious.
    John: OK, speed round, I'm gonna rattle off some names and when I hit it, f**king buzz it.
    Ted: You do it, I will tell you.
    John: You got me?
    Ted: Yeah.
    John: Alright, Brandi, Heather, Channing, Briana, Amber, Sabrina, Melanie, Dakota, Sierra, Vandi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tammy, Laura, Shelly and Shantelle? Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Christa, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nicki, Kelsy, Shauna, Jolene, Earlie, Claudia, Savannah, Cassie, Dolly, Kendra, Callie, Khloe, Devon, Emmylou, f**king Becky?!"
    Ted: Nope.
    John: Wait, was it any one of those names with a Lyn after it?
    Ted: Yes!
    John: Okay, Brandy Lyn, Heather Lyn...
    Ted: Tammy Lyn.
    John: F**k!

    Ted has a new girlfriend? Possibly so. At least he met her at work and not in some seedy bar (or worse)...

  • 4
    72 VOTES


    Frank: You had sexual intercourse on top of the produce that we sell to people?!
    Ted: I did her with a parsnip. Then I sold that same parsnip to a family of four.
    Frank: You have guts, and I like guts. You're promoted!
    Ted: Do you have a problem or something?

    Ted is without a doubt the most offensive, foul, vulgar teddy bear ever to appear of film. He's also one of the funniest.