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The 10 Most Useless Women in Video Game History

All misogyny aside, games don't portray women all that well. I mean, for every FemShep or Chun-li (or heck, even Cooking Mamas), there seem to be about at least a hundred ladies who only show up because game designers don't know what to do other than tantalize you with some lovin' to their baby-oven. With that in mind, let's take a look at some of the worst Peggy Bundys of gaming, shall we? We're listing the worst video game characters who also happen to be women. They're not bad because they're female, they're bad because they're underwritten.

Who are the worst female video game characters? These 10 examples will provide you a foundation to see what fictional ladies aren't up to snuff when it comes to being included in video games. Check out the top 10 worst female video game characters right here.
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  • 6

    Momoko

    Now I know what you're going to say, "Who the hell is Momoko?"

    Exactly.

    You see, In the world of fighting games, there are two telling factors about how much relevance a character has: their ease of play (how good they are), and they're general popularity (how flashy they are if a guy/how hot they are if a girl).

    Momoko here is a bouncy teen fighting game character from King of Fighters XI. One of the less popular fighting game series here in the West since it's not called either Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter, or has a "versus" in its title. Everybody plays those games.

    Less popular series like KoF though, they don't get as mush attention.

    In fact I'd say the less popular you get in the fighting game community the more your fanbase is dominated by either:

    A) The Japanese,
    B) Perverts,
    or
    C) Japanese Perverts (see section A)


    How else would you explain the existence of Arcana Heart?

    An entire game full of anime jail-bait.

    This is a genre where any and ALL women are sexualized so much and so often you'd think that the character designers were paid extra for every square inch of skin they can reveal. It's as if they're goal in life is just to see if cosplayers have a sense of shame. They have competitions to see who can create the best combination of revealing and impossible with bonus points if it looks like something that belongs in an S&M dungeon.


    A competition that Ivy Valentine obviously wins.

    The point is, the quickest way to find out if a fighting game character is liked, is to look for the porn. But it took like, NINE pages with the safe-search off for google to generate any p0rnography featuring Momoko. That's practically no p0rn at all, and she's underage!

    Drawing p0rnography of underage fighting game characters has replaced bowing as Japan's national pastime it's so common. If a disapproving mother finds her son drawing underage p0rnography in Japan, they yell at them only if the proportions are bad, lest they get an -A in Henthai class. I'm pretty sure if you sneeze in Tokyo, kind passers by hand you Kleenex with a 'screaming eleven year old girl' print rather than 'floral'.


    So why dose Momoko receive so little "attention" from the public?

    Well, this chick is as sickly sweet and cute and bubbly as artificial sweetener, and just as cancerous. Because she's bloody awful. In fighting game terminology they like to say "she's difficult to master", but what it really means is that she sucks more than a black hole shaped like Monica Lewinsky's mouth.

    I mean you all know how Dan Hibiki in Street Fighter is a joke character only meant to be played to humiliate your opponent into admitting he has a smaller penis than you, right? Well Momoko Out-Dans Dan!


    When you're worse than this waste of cranial space you've got problems.

    So in Momoko we have a character so unplayable that they might as well have let her character slot read "Forfeit", and so unbearably cutie-pie that I'm pretty sure if you cut her in half she'd form into a My Little Pony and a puppy and both would make you cry pixie stick tears.

    RUNNER UP - YURI SAKAZAKI, also from King of Fighters but in her early appearances in Art of Fighting she was just another kidnapped girl needing rescue. However she did eventually train and become semi-decent due to the Zelda Paradigm (explained in the next entry, so click that link!)
  • 5

    Samus (in Metroid Other M)

    I'm going to talk for a second about a lady who's not on this list. Her name is Zelda.

    You see, Zelda is a Nintendo Princess who started out as useless as most of the rest. She was only there at the end of the game and never did much of anything other than needing rescuing (just like a certain other someone we haven't gotten to yet).

    But as time went on, Zelda evolved a bit. Maybe it was the fact that Nintendo became more mature. But since that's about as likely as an officially licensed Mario Brother sex toy called the "Plunge-Her" (because they're plumbers you see), I'm not betting on it.

    So in all likelihood, it's because someone over at Nintendo HQ hit his head on the question block that contained his paycheck (because that's how it works there I'm pretty sure), and in the middle of their resulting concussion, they realized that they might want to give the character the legendary series is named after a little bit more to do than just sit around counting Octoroks while waiting for her pointy-eared boyfriend to arrow Ganon and unite the triforce.

    So Zelda started getting more development and cooler stuff to partake in. She learned a spell of bind greater boobs and dressed like the ninja warrior (and rocking harpist) Shiek in Ocarina of Time. Or sailed the seas as the worlds least effective pirate this side of Cutthroat Island in Wind Waker. Heck, in Twilight Princess she even has a Xena moment and just tries to take down the big bad herself and armed with a sword!

    Heck, in Spirit Tracks she even possesses huge suits of armor and goes to town!

    This is the Zelda Paradigm for women in gaming. Starting as a useless Catherine Earnshaw, and growing into a confident, interesting and multifaceted Jane Eyre. Or if the literary reference is a bit too much . . .

    She went from this:

    And seems to be getting ever closer to this:

    But ON THE OTHER HAND There is Samus Aran.

    Arguably the poster girl for kick-ass women in gaming, Samus has been handling Space Pirates and energy-leeching doom-jellyfish all by her lonesome since 1986. She's killed so many parasitic crabs she could double as an STD clinic. She once blew up a planet because it was the only way to be sure. She is totally awesome.


    And she knows it too.

    Or at least was.

    Because then there's Other M, which goes out of its way to basically take pretty much everything anyone could have liked about Samus and turn it into a protracted dumb blonde joke.

    We learn she acted like a petulant child while in the military. We learn she wants to be a mommy so bad she responds to distress signals with idiotic names like "Baby's Cry". We learn that she apparently doesn't know what an emotion is, has never met one, or seen one, or has heard of one when she starts monologuing with a performance that sounds like the actress just came down from Thorazine.

    Scratch that. It's as if the actress was coming down from Thorazine and was Heather Graham . . . in Lost In Space.

    And then there's Adam. Oh boy.

    Throughout the game, unlike every other Metroid game, Samus takes orders from Adam Malkovich. Her former commanding officer. This includes multiple instances of getting into deadly situations where she won't turn on (or to use the game's terminology, "authorize") weapons and equipment that would saver her life until HE says to do so.

    REALLY? Samus? Why?

    You just went from this:

    And turned into this:

    Or even worse is when she fights Ridley in the game. An opponent that she has fought and killed SEVERAL times prior to this, but when he shows up in Other M and basically does his song and dance boss introduction she freaks out faster than a NAMBLA member meeting Chris Hansen, curls into a ball and shuts her armor off while she cries like a child. . . only to be saved once a big, strong man jumps into the picture, even though they both know he's pretty much committing suicide to do so!

    Seriously. This happens. To Samus Aran, who was once cold and calculating enough to willingly exterminate an entire species because they posed a threat to Galactic society and peace. That level of hardass should only be reduced to childlike tears if she was forced to execute her mom or something, not because she's facing a recurring boss for the (at that point in the timeline) 5th time in her life.

    So while Samus in general is easily one of the best characters, let alone women, in gaming, for Other M she simply grabbed the idiot ball and ran with it into the intolerable end-zone of stupidity.

    RUNNER UP - JILL VALENTINE in Resident Evil 3 where the tube top she wears apparently stops the blood from circulating to her brain at times. Among other things, she seems to think Brad will respond after he has his face impaled, unquestioningly works with Umbrella Mercenaries because one of them is a cute latin lover type, and then the most basic: SHE DOESN'T EVACUATE RACOON CITY when she notices the beginnings of the outbreak occurring despite the fact that she had already encountered zombies. But it's less severe and she makes at least a few decent decisions too, and is the first RE character to learn how to, you know, dodge.
  • 4

    Yuffie Kisaragi

    Alright I can already hear the FF7 fans sharpening their $3000 Sephiroth sword replicas, and about how they're going to point out that Yuffie is actually one of the better party members but this isn't about that.

    No, this is about gameplay and story separation.

    You all know how this works. One minute in a game you pick up the Armor of the Unending Torment and in the cutscene a thousand arrows fly at your hero only to plink off , and then the armor itself rends the opposing army into an orgy of screaming and blood with it's shadow magic, and then you get back into the game . . . and it's like +3 to your Defense stat with a 5% bonus to Dark Magic.

    Well the sword cuts both ways on this one, and Yuffie is a perfect example. And by perfect, I mean terrible.

    You see, IN GAME, Yuffie is a totally solid character who is quick and has some pretty decent to even awesome Limit Breaks. A completely worthy addition to your party.

    But IN THE STORY Yuffie is the first in what is now a tradition of "kooky" females in Final Fantasy games. But worst of all, she's not only irrelevant, she detrimental to your team of heroes.



    Sort of a Final Fantasy Jar Jar Binks, but she's a cute teenage girl so people give her a pass.

    Basically, Cloud and Company are in the middle of their plot to stop Sephiroth from causing the film Deep Impact to occur to their planet (probably because they hate Elijah Wood). So they're walking along and doing their thing in the kind of half-assed way all RPG heroes decide to save the day: only if it doesn't interfere with their side-quests and subplots. But then they head over into a new area of the map, and mind you that this can happen at any point once the game opens up, and they're confronted by Yuffie.

    What does this strange lady who is apparently carrying the world's largest, most ill-concieved tire iron do?

    She fights you, as your enemy! Just like every other monster in the game, she straight up tries to kill the members of the party. Though it's an easy fight and all: she can and will kill you. Just to take your stuff, like a common street hood. Now again, it's an easy fight, but that doesn't change the simple fact that Yuffie was more than willing TO MURDER our heroes.

    Once you beat her, what happens? She then proceeds to taunt and tease your group, even though she lost. Then, she has the gall, like the spoiled brat that she is, to ask you a series of questions to "prove" that your "worthy" of having her join you.

    Wait, did I miss something? This crazy ("C Word" rhymes with "Punt") comes screaming out of the forest, attacks me, and once I defend myself and my friends she not only want to pretend it didn't happen (like Squaresoft with Spirits Within), but then she wants me to grovel to her? Even if you tell her to go mug someone else (which we have to assume she does, actually), she will continually do this again and again and again until you finally let her tag along like this was Temple of Doom and she was Willie Scott.


    Who at least gets her comeuppance when she has to dine on Monkey Brains.

    But Like Miss Scott, Yuffie's only in it for the pretty sparkly things, since if you ever (even accidentally) enter her hometown of Yutai, SHE STEALS ALL OF YOUR MATERIA. (the magic rocks they need to cast spells, which are, you know, pretty damn important). This leads to an inescapable sidequest that you are stuck with until you finish it, whether you want to or not, and only so she can deal with her whiny unresolved daddy issues. Though I guess she at least deals with them, unlike some fictional characters . . .


    "Look at me! My name's Kate! I'm angry at you for being my step-dad! I'm about to make another stupid decision!"

    Oh, and since she's a "bonus" character, Yuffie makes no real contributions to the main plot. Even during the few sequences she ends up involved in, she only proceeds to clumsily insert herself into so that she is both unnecessary and unwanted. All the while she spouts off at the mouth like a Drunken David Hasselhoff and proves just how conceited and self-righteous an NPC can get. Heck, she doesn't even show up in the game's frigging ending. It's like Final Fantasy 7 itself doesn't want to acknowledge this waste of plot cancer.

    So let's see, so far Yuffie has, IN THE STORY:

    A) Tried to murder the heroes.
    B) Proven to need her ego boosted and flattery despite not being worthy of such praise.
    C) Betrayed and stolen very important items vital to their very survival once she gets near her dad.
    D) Done nothing else of any real importance at any other point in the game.

    But that's not the worst of it. As far as I'm concerned, and like I said at the start, Yuffie set a precedent and started a trend. She established the concept of a "wacky under-aged girl" as having a place on any team off to save the world for whatever reason, and Square has jammed one into every subsequent Final Fantasy game like there was a clearance sale on stuck up airheads.

    The worst thing about most of these characters is that despite their general idiocy and the fact that at least half of the players out there inevitably hate them more than Kefka hates sanity, and that they're all pretty much the same, THEY KEEP SHOWING UP.

    Without Yuffie, there would be no Selphie. Without Yuffie, there would be no Rikku. Without Yuffie there would be no freaking Vanille. Without Vanille, FF13 might have been salvageable . . . but then again probably not.


    If you claim that you actually liked Vanille you are either a twelve year old girl and thus don't have a firm grasp on reality, or are Darkseid and have discovered that she is an integral part of the Anti-Life Equation.

    So yeah, useful in battle sure, but Yuffie commits negative usefulness on tolerance levels when it comes to the story, and since every Final Fantasy fan likes to claim they can ignore the stilted or awkward gameplay it has at times in favor of the story, I maintain they couldn't possibly like Yuffie. Except they do.

    So I'm going to go out and facepalm myself until I pull off a hundred hit combo.

    RUNNER UP - PRINCESS MARLE from Chrono Trigger, who, like Yuffie, is good in the party for fighting but is an extra appendix to the body of the plot for like 90% of the game, and is also a stuck-up pretentious waste of Ted Woolsey translation. But at least her involvement pretty much starts off what might still be the best JRPG of all time, so she seems an acceptable detriment.
  • 3

    Alice Wake

    Look, I understand that the folks over at Remedy worked very hard on Alan Wake for a very long time, and not everything seemed like it turned out exactly how the game was envisioned at the start. So I can't say if Alice (the protagonist's Wife) was ever originally intended to be as poorly delivered as a letterbomb mailed to Santa Claus or not, but boy howdy does she up that way!

    So at the start of the game the player gets a few moments to know Alice and hopefully get attached enough to her to at least kind of want to save her when she gets taken by the the game's big bad in the twelve minutes between the dream tutorial and the actual "Stephen King, but with a Gun" simulation begins. Except about halfway through this sequence, we see Alice seeming to promise some sweet loving to her hubby, deny it, and then it's revealed that Alice pretty much lied to Alan about why they came to this small, secluded Washington State hamlet and they quite naturally get into an argument.


    Because dwelling on an argument is greeeeat way to get the audience to like both characters.

    So Alan storms out and then so does their electricity. This is when we learn exactly how useless Alice is going to be in a game where everything that dwells in the night will literally try to jump up and kill you (and I do mean everything). Because Alice is deathly afraid of the dark.


    Once your past the age of 10, answering yes to this unasked question is basically proving to the world that you should win a Darwin Award.

    Seriously, she's afraid of the dark in a game about fighting off darkness. So you know she's going to be a BIG help in the Adventure to come!

    Oh wait, no, she won't because she's immediately kidnapped by Cthulhu's younger sister Barbara and dragged to the bottom of a lake, then promptly used as leverage to motivate the male hero for the rest of the game. Was there a point of the whole "Alice being afraid of the dark" thing then?

    Perhaps it was to subtlety explain how Alan is "good with a flashlight". Even though that's like saying you're "good with a butterknife" only lamer and reducing the chances of a delicious sandwich by 100%.

    So Alice is yet another in the long line of women whose only purpose in the plot is to exist but not be seen, since they're the requisite "motivation". This alone would put her into pretty damn useless territory, except then the game tries to get clever and keep revealing more about Alan and Alice's relationship via flashbacks and other plot details. But in each one all we learn are new reasons to dislike and hate Alice and her inability to ever provide a single reason for Alan to have married her other than a preference for traumatized chicks.

    They point out that she does the photography for his books and promotions.


    Which includes this cutout that would makes it look like Alan wants to punch his readers in the face.Great Job Alice!

    They point out that she hates Barry Wheeler and tries to drive Alan apart from one of his best friends and literary agent working to get his stuff sold. One who proves surprisingly competent and loyal despite the events of the following insanity.

    They use one to clumsily deliver what is quite possibly the world's lamest MacGuffin: a broken light switch.

    And, oh joy! We get to see plenty more fights between a supposedly stable couple.


    It's like I'm 14 and a teenage girl again! Stop fighting you two!

    But it all comes back to this: Alice is pretty much the ENTIRE reason Alan ended up in Bright Falls, and the situation that endangered both his life and hers to begin with. Because she talked him into coming, and he gets used to basically write a freaking demon out of oblivion and into the world (it's kind of complicated to explain, but it mostly makes sense). So that argument at the beginning, the one where it seems like Alan might have been sulking; turns out he was totally justified!

    By the end of it all, you seriously begin to question as to why Alan should even bother. I mean, it's not like she's the mother to his kids or anything, and they never explain how or why they met in a way that justifies the fact that they seem to get along as well as a Peanut Butter & Iron Sulfide sandwich, and she seems detrimental to his career. But nope! Alan does the noble thing and pretty mush sacrifices his existence to save her.

    When you consider that he did this using "L33T WRIT0RS 5KILLZ", and the fact that Alice has none, I don't see how she can return the favor.

    So yeah, Alice Wake, not just a flimsily built up character for one of the most standard and weak plot motivations ever, but also about as useful in her actual life as a manuscript written in Cuneiform.

    RUNNER UP - KRYSTAL in Starfox Adventures, another lady we get to see only briefly, learn nothing about, and very quickly is shoveled off into Distressed Damsel zone with later reveals only making her more and more useless or catty . . . even if she's a fox. By the way, I mean that literally. Krystal IS a fox, not attractive. No Furmo.