Man-crying used to be reserved, in prior eras, exclusively for truly severe, maudlin circumstances. Watching your pappy die after being crushed by a runaway carriage, for example. Or finding out that privateers happened upon the vessel you had charted to bring your newfound fortune home from the New World, dashing your dreams and sentencing your riches to an eternity in the briny deep. That sort of thing.
Today, guys cry over smaller tragedies. (Say, for example, because their favorite team lost the big game. Or because people on the Internet are being kind of mean to Britney Spears.) And fortunately, the magic of technology allows us to enjoy the spectacle of dudes losing their s**t over nothing from the comfort of our own home, without actually having to be there to watch the sobs take form. Which can be a little awkward.What follows are 13 classic Internet videos featuring a diverse collection of guys crying over all sorts of traumas, big and small. We'd ask you to vote for your favorites, but that's just cold. Plus there are rules against bullying now, I think. Better to be on the safe side.
Giants Fan in Shambles
Rob is a drunk Giants fan. (Is there any other kind?) In 2009, following a wrenching Giants loss to the Eagles in the playoffs, Rob had kind of a meltdown. Fortunately, he has kind, caring friends whom he knows he can rely on. To berate him over the loss, film him blubbering and then posting the results to YouTube.
Perhaps most troubling is Rob's repeated insistence that rooting for the Giants is his life. "It's the reason I live!," he bellows at his friend, who just doesn't seem to understand his pain. And perhaps that's the trouble right there... if you're going to pin your hopes for f*ture survival on any NFL franchise, perhaps the Giants aren't the way to go. (Wasn't this the plot of "Leaving Las Vegas"? Nicolas Cage had to drink himself to death because the Giants lost a key game to the Eagles after taking down Arizona and getting his hopes up?)
As a bonus, here's another clip of a sports fan going apes**t after his beloved team - in this case, Ohio State - gets taken down. He handles the situation with roughly the same maturity level as Rob. To be fair, though, he's 4. Do with that what you will.
Guy Gets His Mustang Taken
Probably the best clip you will see today of a man trying to prevent his car from being towed by leaning on the spoiler, weeping. Probably.
There does seem to be some backstory here. Something having to do with the Mustang owner in question working at a chiropractor's office and needing to prove it to the tow truck driver. (Perhaps the car was co-signed for by his employer? Or it's a company car? Though granted, it doesn't seem like any company would actually turn over a car to this dude except for maybe Fisher Price.) So the driver waited for the owner to prove that he worked at said office, and when the car owner could not, the towing process began. As did the tears.I'm pretty sure that's the basic narrative here, but it's a bit hard to piece together because this guy is screaming HYSTERICALLY. He's perfected this sort of high-pitched whine that pretty clearly isn't the sort of thing that would convince a tow truck driver to cut you a break. In fact, just watching the video is likely to fill you with the urge to find this guy and steal whatever car he's currently driving. Just to teach him a lesson and get him to buck up a little.
Glenn Beck Weeps on Air
In March of 2009, Glenn Beck introduced his so-called "9/12 Project" to the world as part of a Fox News special. The project centered around "9 founding principals and 12 eternal values" (no word on where the 7 horcruxes fit in...) and sought to turn viewers back into that person they were on 9/12. Which in Beck's case was apparently a sniveling, weepy mess.
Going a gooey one on air had essentially become Beck's trademark by this point, the violin/guitar solo to his Nigel Tufnel, if you will. But there's something particularly awkward and uncomfortable about this very public display... it seems fake. Now there are people who will tell you ALL the dude crying videos on this page are fake (especially that "Giants Fan in Shambles" one, which was quite controversial when it was first posted.)
But check out Beck in this clip, how he purposefully stops speaking and covers his face before welling up, like he's willing himself to do it rather than expressing a genuinely felt emotion. (Go to about 3 minutes in for a prime example.) But WHY? Why does Beck think pained faces and gasping declarations that he "loves his country so much" would be more convincing to the average TV viewer than someone persuasively discussing politics without blubbering? You know, like an adult with dignity.Perhaps we'll never know. Or we will, if we're willing to listen to Beck's ongoing tirades, now limited to his website. So, yeah, probably never.
British Guy Cries Over Modern Warfare 2
This 19-year-old British man has had such a hard time playing "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2" that he has started to take it out on his body and domicile, punching the walls to work out his frustration. (I'd suggest to him that excessive manual injuries may be at the root of why he's having such a hard time with the game but... I don't know, the guy seems pretty upset.)Anyway, our milk mustacheod hero takes a break from trying to hurt inanimate objects to fire up the ol' webcam and give the world a piece of his mind. Apparently, he's been playing MW:2 for hours now, and the only thing left to do is pummel the walls with his fists until they are bloody and whine like a wounded animal in front of the eyes of the general public. Because, you see, it's the worst game ever, far inferior to "Call of Duty 4" and "Call of Duty 5," which had better weapons and better things. (With razor-sharp insights like that, maybe he's upset because he missed his true calling as a video game reviewer!)