Man-crying used to be reserved, in prior eras, exclusively for truly severe, maudlin circumstances. Watching your pappy die after being crushed by a runaway carriage, for example. Or finding out that privateers happened upon the vessel you had charted to bring your newfound fortune home from the New World, dashing your dreams and sentencing your riches to an eternity in the briny deep. That sort of thing.
Today, guys cry over smaller tragedies. (Say, for example, because their favorite team lost the big game. Or because people on the Internet are being kind of mean to Britney Spears.) And fortunately, the magic of technology allows us to enjoy the spectacle of dudes losing their s**t over nothing from the comfort of our own home, without actually having to be there to watch the sobs take form. Which can be a little awkward.What follows are 13 classic Internet videos featuring a diverse collection of guys crying over all sorts of traumas, big and small. We'd ask you to vote for your favorites, but that's just cold. Plus there are rules against bullying now, I think. Better to be on the safe side.
Man Cries Over Philadelphia Library Closing
Starting in 2008, the city of Philadelphia began closing its numerous public libraries. (In 2009, the movement expanded to attempt closure of all Philadelphia public libraries, but fortunately, this didn't come to pass.)
Now, libraries closing is sad. Lots of people rely on libraries for things like Internet access. It's still a great, safe, quiet environment for kids to get homework done. And where else are the urban homeless supposed to use the restroom, now that all the bookstores have closed? But it's sad in that way that most people go, "Oh, that's sad" and then move on with their lives. It's not "life has lost all meaning... goodbye cruel world..." sad. I mean, maybe if you're LeVar Burton. But that's a special case.
For this one Philadelphia gentleman, however, the closing of a public library branch was a tragedy of massive, earth-shattering proportions. I've seen Holocaust survivors recount their life stories with less visible emotion than this guy uses to talk about a place he's grown accustomed to using for DVD rentals and the occasional peek at some '70s newspaper articles on microfiche.His claim that "I used to play football here" is also somewhat puzzling. Like... in the library? That must have been awfully distracting.
It's Still Real to Me, Dammit
One of the most viral of all the viral videos on this list, here we see uber-wrestling enthusiast David Willis at one of the sports' Fanfest events, moaning about how wrestling is still real for him - and creepily thanking the wrestlers on stage for "what [they] do to [their] bodies." Shudder...
Willis became an overnight sensation on the Web after "It's Still Real To Me" debuted back in 2006, and shared his story with the site WorldWrestlingInsanity.com. Basically, his explanation is that the excitement of the event sort of overwhelmed him, and he hadn't meant to cry, but then did. Which is not really an explanation at all:
When I first sat down for the Q& A, I wanted to ask the panel for some Dick Murdoch stories. He is a character who should be remembered for his in-the-ring and out-of-the-ring antics. When I got up to ask my question, I wanted to thank the wrestlers for their sacrifice and hard work. I wanted to say that I appreciated what they did to their bodies for my entertainment.So... exactly what it looks like on the video, then? You got a chance to ask some wrestlers a question and then proceeded to have a nervous breakdown in front of your heroes? Got it. Thanks for the clarification.
Well, needless to say, it didn't come out that way at that time. I choked and started crying and said "Thanks, Mr. Funk for saying what needed to be said." I was taken a little aback by this myself as I didn't expect to tear up. I started stammering with nervousness and instead of making a point about the deaths in wrestling what came out was "I don't want to see another one of these." I then yelled out "It's still real to me, damn it!"
Terrell Owens Cries After Dallas Loss
In 2008, Terrell Owens gave this post-game interview following a Cowboys loss to the New York Giants. (Hey, at least the Giants won so Rob is happy!) A reporter asked T.O. about a Mexican vacation Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo had taken with his then-girlfriend Jessica Simpson, and whether that distracted the QB from the all-important game.
T.O. proceeded to blubber for a moment about how the question wasn't fair, because "that's my quarterback" before it turned into Niagara Falls. "We lost as a team," T.O. protested in between sniffles.Many writers and pundits at the time felt like the waterworks were a desperate bid for sympathy and team unity from T.O., implying they weren't sincere. But I'm unconvinced. That's a pretty embarrassing thing to fake in front of an entire nation of fired-up, angry, intoxicated football fans. Couldn't he have just suffered some kind of spinal injury on the field instead if he needed sympathy so bad?
Michael Jackson Fan Crying
In an interview shot outside the O2 Arena - which was at the time hosting the "This Is It" Exhibition of Michael Jackson memorabilia - a fan gets overcome with emotion. It's not immediately clear what the stand-out most uncomfortable moment of this diatribe might be. Is it:
- The part where he brazenly lifts up his shirt for seemingly no reason?
- His insistence on repeating the phrase "this is it" over and over again as if it is suddenly going to take on greater meaning
- The declaration "I am not an emotional guy" as a slight line of drool just begins to escape his quivering lips
- The bevy of ladies watching the interview behind him, laughing