This is a collection of the craziest objects ever found inside people. Who knew a complaint of a stomach ache could be so sinister - and, let's face it - hilarious. From an inmate with over 30 objects found up his rectum, to lawyers with weird fetishes, to a woman who ate an entire set of cutlery, here are the weirdest things ever found inside people complaining of "inexplicable" stomach pains. Seriously, what the hell.
This list will leave you marveling at the wonders of the human mind, wondering why on Earth these people would condemn themselves to such a strange a memorable fate. Not your average party story, once you see this list of craziest objects to be found inside people, there won't be much left out there to shock you.
1
A Loaded Gun
Photo: Kingsport Police Dept.
When you're headed for jail, the last thing you want is to commit a felony that adds years and years to your sentence, right? Well, apparently no one told 21-year-old Dallas Archer, of Tennessee, that the LOADED GUN she stashed in her lady parts would do just that. When she was booked in jail in 2014, she presumably figured that would be the safest place for a loaded weapon.
Instead, she has been charged with introducing contraband into a penal facility and will serve several years in prison. As a bonus, the gun was stolen, only adding to her charges.
If you think that's bad, you won't believe where someone found thisknife.
2
Man Tries to Fish Out Vibrator with Salad Tongs, Is Unsuccessful
An anonymous male individual (can't imagine why this stallion would want to remain nameless) took a trip to the emergency room after a particularly gruesome vibrator and salad tongs incident which I'm sure everyone learns during their first day of medical school.
The gentleman in question used a vibrator which unfortunately got stuck. Unsurprisingly, he was too ashamed to go to the emergency room because he's human. Naturally, the next step was to try and correct the problem himself by fishing the vibrator out with his best salad tongs... and failing.
After this humiliation, the man finally turned himself over to medical professionals, and they were able to extract both the tongs and the vibrator, for a small fee of tens of thousands of painful, life-ruining dollars.
3
An Entire Cutlery Set. No, Seriously, An ENTIRE Set
Margaret Daalman, a Netherlands native, was admitted to the hospital with searing stomach pains, and her X-ray showed that the problem was probably either a giant squid eating her insides, a sideways Bart Simpson head, a mutated pineapple, a facehugger alien or, rather, an entire set of forks and spoons (nearly 78 utensils total) that she swallowed.
Why did she eat them instead of use them to eat food? Who the f*ck knows. I personally am much more interested in that sweet squid X-ray. But, I guess if you're interested in what is wrong with the woman: the operating surgeons and attending medical professionals on the case theorized that the Daalman was suffering from pica, a disorder that is rare among pregnant women that causes them to crave non food items. Sufferers often consume dirt, metal, trash and, most likely, McDonald's.
An. Entire. Set. Kinda brings a whole new light to "hide the silverware."
The eight-year-old in question swallowed nearly 30 magnets and other chunks of metal, perhaps with the misconception that they were candy, singlehandedly ruining whatever brand of magnet that was for all the smart kids who know that cold, hard and metal doesn't mean "snack". God only knows why she was drawn to them or why they attracted her.
Magnets attract each other, and are specifically dangerous because their pull can destroy stomach lining, major organs and also ruin blood flow patterns (which, ICP, is how they work.)
The girl was forced to undergo major surgery to remove the magnets, which were all in different stages of digestion.
Her father repeated how shocked he was at the incident: he said his daughter got A's and B's, and that he and her mother had taught her "not to do stuff like this."
SOLUTION TO THIS PROBLEM: Magnet companies, please start making child safety magnets that kids won't eat... by making all your magnets look like vegetables. You're welcome.
5
Florida Inmate Packs 30 Items for Prison
Photo: Police Mugshot
To be exact, he packed 17 Oxycodone pills, 1 cigarette, 6 matches, 1 flint, 1 empty syringe with an eraser over the needle tip, 1 lip balm container, 1 condom, 1 CVS receipt, and a coupon... in his rectum.
The most impressive thing about this feat however is that he stuffed all of those objects into a condom. What brand is made to survive that kind of packing? If that information got out, it would have been great publicity.
Sneaking stuff into prison happens quite often, but this is really the biggest, most varied, grab-bag of goodies ever to be almost sneaked in. It really would've made for quite the decadent first week. Also, there was another condom in there... just in case. If you're going to make some sexual changes in prison, you might as well be safe about it.
People in their early twenties are generally not the best rational decision makers, but this homosexual couple took it to a whole new level.
During a particularly heated moment in their lovemaking, the patient's boyfriend poured enema fluid mixed with concrete mix into his lover's rectum, and the stuff hardened and nearly ruptured some crucial butt-anatomy (which is doctor talk for the stuff in your butt.)
He explained to the admitting doctors that he had laid flat on the ground and lifted his legs up at a 45 degree angle (feel free to try it), and allowed his lover to pour the mix into his rectum through a funnel - which every self-respecting American has in their sex kit.)
The mass had to be surgically removed, but, luckily, the patient's boyfriend stayed with him through the entire procedure. Love comes in all shapes and sizes, but is maybe not so effective in the form of enema liquid, especially when it's mixed with concrete mix - that is unless you're building a parking lot.
