What types of animal sex should make you glad that you're a human. Well, assuming you're reading this, you are a human so you have nothing to worry about. But count your lucky stars you aren't one of the animals listed on here.
Warning: terrible sex jokes ahead.
Honey Bees: Sex Slaves That Lose Their Penis and Die
Honey bee colonies are organized such that in each individual hive, much like in most public middle schools, there is a queen bee, drones, and worker bees.
The drones probably have the worst lot in life, as far as sex goes. First of all, the male honey bee, the "Drone", are the only males in the hive. They develop from eggs that have not been fertilized, and they do not have the ability to sting anything and since the worker bee's stinger is a modified ovipositor (an egg laying organ), it acts like any other bee's stinger does when they sting someone.
That's right. Once they use their penis for the only purpose they are on this earth, they die immediately.
I mean, it's not like the worker bees (the ones with actual stingers) have it any better off...
But these poor Drone schlubs are stingless, defenseless, and ultimately unable to feed themselves -- kind of like most college freshmen.
Their only function is to fertilize the queen bee, and once they finally "get it in", their lives are over.
This is the penis of a Bee Drone. I call it a "Beenis."
How can a species that has one of the most brilliant, enigmatic pattens of communication have the worst imaginable way of procreating? I guess they just don't get emotionally attached to anything, but man, if you think about it, every Drone is kind of a loser. The queen really has to slum it and sink down to Drone levels, when she clearly has everything going for her, and plenty of other dudes that would appreciate a piece of that action... but just because it's in her nature, inexplicably, she falls for the loser (x1000)... Which makes pretty much any bee hive in the history of existence an insect version of any Judd Apatow movie you've ever seen.
Male Giraffes Must Drink Female's Urine Before Sex
Male giraffes really have it rough as far as finding a mate. Female giraffes go into Estrus, a period of sexual excitement due to changes in their lady giraffe bits, for only two weeks out of the year. Thus, male giraffes are subjected to live in a constant state of want.
The suck doesn't stop there though. When the male giraffe finally does find a female giraffe in Estrus, nature requires him to resort to some major humiliation.
He has to sniff the female's vagina, and then nudge her rear end with his nose so she can pee all over him. The male then has to drink the pee in order to decide whether or not the female in question is a biologically "appropriate" mate.
First of all, why the hell would you drink someone's urine if you had ANY doubts that they were the one? Well, you would go to pretty much any length if you only got laid two weeks out of the year -- although you'd probably be less picky than male giraffes. If humans had the mating habits of giraffes, clubs would be the most disgusting places on the planet.
Giraffes drink the urine to taste and smell female hormones, and to judge the female's ability to carry children, as well as her physical capabilities and other overall survival of the fittest traits, which is actually pretty awesome if you think about it. All you can tell about a woman from her urine if you're a human is how quickly you should never tell her she forgot to flush.
If the female giraffe is particularly interested in the male, though she will pee extra long and hard...because nothing says "I want you, baby" like a good ol' fashioned golden shower.
That's not all, though. Yes there's more. At this point, after releasing all that pond juice onto the male giraffe, the female giraffe can very easily decide NOT to have sex AGAIN.
If she's not feeling it and the male giraffe mounts her, all she has to do is just walk away and there's nothing the male can do about it. He may follow her and try to mount her again after this initial rejection, but sometimes just end up following her for hours or even days on end (even though the clock is ticking!) in vain.
When the female giraffe finally stands still and allows a male to mount her from behind, the deed is over very quick. So quick that it's rarely observed by humans.
So, in a lot of ways, giraffe sex is much like your first experience at a frat party if you're a dude.
Cats Have Penises That Act Like Medieval Weapons
Cats a barbed penis. Yes, that's right, a barbed penis. Their penis kind of acts like either a medieval weapon or this guy's tail:
Cats' penises have about 120-150 backwards-pointing spines all lined up in a row. They function like little claws against the female cat's vagina in case she wants to get away and are also there to trigger ovulation.
That's right, it's a barbed penis in order to keep the female from wanting to move at ALL. Are you ready for it? Here it is, the most absolutely METAL and brutal looking penis in the animal kingdom.
The spikes also clear the vagina of any other sperm in case another alley cat came before the current cat/medieval warrior. So basically, it's like a tongue scraping, only with spikes and in the vagina and instead of plaque it's old semen. Since female cats can mate with several male cats when she's in heat, it's a good idea to clean the area out cause, most likely, she a ho.So the reason this makes it incredibly difficult for cats is that whenever you hear cats in heat sounding like they're in miserable pain, it's because they are. Imagine having something akin to a Saw movie happening to you every time you have sex. This is what a female cat goes through every time and all our hats should go off to them.
Flatworms Engage in Penis Fencing - Loser Becomes the Mother
Certain species of flatworms are hermaphrodites and when it comes to sex, for them it's a real love-hate relationship. Sometimes, these flatworms, such as Pseudobiceros hanc**kanus, will literally go head to head (heh) and duke it out during intercourse. Or rather, duke it out, as their intercourse.
The flatworms engage in what's called "penis fencing" and, much like the gallant knights of the Middle Ages, they fight in the name of love. Though in this case they are actually FIGHTING their love, hoping to wound and pierce their love with, yes, their penises. Both of 'em. Have penises.
But not for long.
Remember all that phallic symbolism in Literature you had to learn about in high school and college? Well you can leave all that behind because Flatworms are the most literal creatures on Earth.
Since Flatworms are generally hermaphroditic (yes, they have the ability to be both women and men) the way they decide who's the father and who's the mother during copulation isn't by going through each of their iTunes and deciding which one gets to wear blue to the dinner party -- they fight with their penises. They literally have a sword fight with their dagger-like penises.
It is the most important fight of their entire lives.
When one of them pierces the skin of the other flatworm with their white two-headed dagger-like penis, the "winner" inseminates the other and automatically cements himself as "father." The sperm absorbs through the wounded flatworm's skin, causing fertilization and securing the flatworm as "mother" and the one who has to carry the responsibility of child-bearing.
Tag, you're it!
So if you're a flatworm not only do you have to fight a REALLY high stakes knife fight in order to get laid at all, but if you lose, you become the female -- the one who has to take all of the children and give up on his/her career. One wrong move, one wrong pivot and poof! You're a soccer mom.