Christmas carols are meant to get us in the holiday spirit, but have you ever really listened to the words of these bad Christmas songs? Most of these songs are about accidents, adult pleasure, or slaying people. Lyrics about poverty, suspected adultery, giant snow creations springing to life — it's horrifying.
What are the worst Christmas songs ever? These songs are ones we hear piped throughout giant shopping centers, in lobbies, on the radio, the background music of our celebrations and holiday parties but what are they really saying? Here are the most horrifying Christmas song lyrics of all time, from songs that provide the perfect soundtrack to creepy vintage Christmas photos.
This may be the worst song ever written in the history of holiday songs (which is actually kind of a long history). This song is about a guy buying last-minute gifts, and he's waiting in line behind some kid who says:
"Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve, and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight."
This kid is out on Christmas Eve buying shoes for his mother who's going to pass on Christmas.
Then it gets even better:
"He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, 'Son, there's not enough here'
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
He said Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes."
He doesn't have enough?!
If you're not crying by this point, just wait because a choir of small children then begin to sing the chorus. If that's not enough, it then goes into a single child singing with just a piano.
The real tragedy in the song, though, lies in the fact that this is a song you can hear at Macy's, and it's one that chronicles a child with a dying mother who's out committing a gesture well beyond his means in order to see his mother smile just one more time before she passes.
Someone clearly doesn't understand the meaning of "no" in this classic:
"I really can't stay (But, baby, it's cold outside)
I've got to away (But, baby, it's cold outside)
This evening has been (Been hoping that you'd drop in)
So very nice (I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice)
My mother will start worry (Beautiful, what's your hurry?)
My father will be pacing the floor (Listen to the fireplace roar)
So really I'd better scurry (Beautiful, please don't hurry)
But maybe just a half a drink more (Put some records on while I pour)
The neighbors might think (Baby, it's bad out there)
Say, what's in this drink? (No cab's to be had out there)
I wish I knew how (Your eyes are like starlight now)
To break this spell (I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell)
I ought to say "No, no, no, sir" (Mind if I move in closer?)
At least I'm gonna say that I tried (What's the sense in hurtin' my pride?)"
This is a very well known Christmas song that is sung by young carolers as they go door to door, in churches, around pianos etc. It tells the story of the baby Jesus and then says a little prayer to him:
"Be near me, Lord Jesus,
I ask Thee to stay,
Close by me forever,
and love me, I pray!
Bless all the dear children
in Thy tender care
And take us to heaven,
to Live with Thee there."
So, there's this God-baby that's going to slay all these children and then bring them up to heaven to live with him? That's not very tender and caring, it's Jonestown.
The concept of a baby with unlimited powers coming to Earth to claim our children is one of the scariest things I can think of. Especially when they're all so willing to do it and everyone celebrating the baby's birth. I can seriously think of very few things scarier than that. Children of the Corn, The Village of the Damned and Away in a Manger.
Listen up kids:
"I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
She didn't see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peek;
She thought I was tucked
Up in my bedroom fast asleep
Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white.
Oh, what a laugh it would have been,
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night!"
Merry Christmas, kid, Mommy is an adulterer.
What people don't bring up often is that Santa comes very late at night and that Mommy is downstairs kissing him. Where is Daddy? I assume Daddy is not home because I don't think Mommy would risk it, and I'm sure the kid would run to Daddy and say, "Dad, you need to go see what Mom is doing to Santa."
That'd be kind of cool, if that kid innocently tore apart his family, right? Well apparently, this is what the kid thinks:
"Then I saw mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white
What a laugh it would have been
If daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night."