Spongebob Musical Rectal Thermometer
Four of the most horrifying words anyone has ever seen placed in sequence together. Spongebob. Musical. Rectal. Thermometer.
The most disturbing part? "Musical."
Nothing better than easing the pain of a child's first rectal invasion with the image of their favorite cartoon character horrifically laughing at them and playing their favorite tunes as they contemplate their place in this new horrible, horrible world they've discovered.
The packaging may say that it can also be used in the mouth and under the arm, but the fact that it's kind of an after-thought makes this item that much more depressing and allows it, despite all the sex toys on this list, to hit the top spot.Buy this horrific abomination of nature by clicking below. No, seriously.
The sexual tensions between Bella and Edward or Bella and Jacob seem to finally be taking shape. Although judging by the d***o, points go to Team Edward, as the jury's still out on whether one of these will ever be made with wolf-hair on it.
The most disturbing things about this character-branded (not officially, but c'mon) product are as follows:
1) It sparkles in sunlight (just like the lame-ass vampires in Twilight), because there's nothing women enjoy more than taking their private, shameful sextoys outdoors for all the neighbors and soon-to-be traumatized neighbors' kids to see.
2) It's temperature sensitive, which means that if you leave it in the fridge, it'll hold its "cold" temperature so any woman (or vampirically-inclined man) can pretend that Edward is actually "there".
3) Was it mentioned already that this product is meant to mimic a dead person's penis? Yes? Well, that's quite enough.
Aroused yet? How about when we say it's a d***o delivered from the "tantalizing forbidden"? No joke, that's how they are advertising it.Click below to buy this toy. That's right. Check out the price. Ugh.
High School Musical Avocados
Nothing says Disney, or High School, quite like avocados.
It appears Disney has to have commercial ventures in every sector of human existence. Now they even have the "Disney Garden" which is attempting to encourage kids and who're we kidding, parents, to make smarter food choices and to eat more fruits and vegetables. Even though its goal is coming from a good place, it is a depressing marker of our society that kids need to be brainwashed by the House of Mouse to eat freaking salad (and other things that don't come from a factory in Kentucky and look like neon signs).
Here's a case of avocados (in case you're having a football party or are starting an entire freaking Mexican restaurant) with the smiling faces of High School Musical! Sexy-Abs'ed Zac Efron, sexting and s**tty Vanessa Hudgens and 25-but-playing-16 Ashley Tisdale (or "The Tizz") make us think of nothing besides avocados and Mexican food. PERFECT congruency. Way to go, Disney.
If avocados aren't your style you could always pick another produce from their huge 'garden' including Donald Duck cauliflower, Tinkerbell corn-on-the-cob, Toy Story apples and Nemo mandarin oranges, just so you can feel like you're biting a cannibalistic chunk out of ALL of your favorite Disney characters!
"Hey, which characters will go with each fruit?"
"Oh, um... how about the characters whose body is colored the same as the fruit"
"So kids can imagine they're eating all of their favorite, iconic, cartoon characters? BRILLIANT, Jenkins! Here's a million dollars!"
"Okay!" *coke binge*Click below to get your own dose of healthy High School Musical fat. It helps lower cholesterol!
Not an "Exit Only" type of person? Well, if you ever wanted to cover "George W. Tush", "Smell Gibson", "Tom Cruise"(wtf???) or "Parass Hilton's" face with literal s**t, here's your chance.
This company makes buttplugs. Celebrity buttplugs. Once again, that's butt-plugs shaped in the form of your favorite celebrities.
The Tush one even is available with a pump so you can expand his 'ego,' making for a nice, tight fit.
The company will even make you a custom buttplug if you send them a close-up picture. Because nothing says "Happy Birthday, Grandpa!" quite like a customized, personalized butt-plug. Coffee mugs and calendar's are SO 2000s.Fulfill one of your perverse dreams by purchasing the celebrity buttplug. Just click the link below.