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fails The 14 Most Ridiculous Character-Branded Products Ever  

Allison Robinson
64.6k views 14 items Embed
From a Tom Cruise butt-plug, to Hello Kitty booze, to Spongebob Squarepants rectal thermometers and even Lightsaber Chopsticks, here are the most weird/funny products that have ever featured a branded character's face/image. Enjoy (and buy at your own risk/delight, you sick sack of crap.)
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Hello Kitty Food and Booze

EDIT: Thank you, dear readers, for mentioning and bringing to light the working, fully-functioning and absolutely ridiculous Hello Kitty Assault Rifles. WHERE'S YOUR GOD NOW?!

Hello Kitty is on every tangible object that you could possibly imagine including, but not limited to: welding helmets, vibrators, exhaust pipes, bongs, Pop Tarts (is nothing sacred?), wedding reception packages (in Japan) and even an entire maternity ward in a Japanese hospital. But I draw the line when it comes to two of my favorite things... pizza and alcohol.

Beck's decided to make their s**tty 'beer' even worse by making it pink and plastering a cartoon cat on it and someone else (clearly after tipping it too hard) decided it would be an awesome idea to make and bottle a line of Hello Dumbass/Anal-Asian-Girl-Who-Has-32-Different-Colors-Of-Highlighters-During-College/Highschool-And-Actually-Uses-Them wines.

There's even a sparkling wine that you can pop after you give birth in the Pepto-pink Hello Kitty-themed hospital (a color that should only be associated with Barbie hospitals and not people hospitals). And if you're hungry from all that pushing, pop one of those scrumdiliumpcious cheesy pizzas in to a microwave and toast to the fact that you shouldn't be having a child as you are a perpetual pre-pubescent girl/weeaboo ( click here for the full definition of the turn weeaboo! ).

Buy your Hello Kitty food and drank from the link below! Cause there's nothing like eating costumed domesticated animals!

Twilight Band-Aids

After a particularly grueling biting session with your favorite un-dead sparkley 'man' or a cathartic, black eyeliner, MySpace approved cutting-session, slap on one of these Twilight band-aids to show that world that although your emotional scars are permanent, you're willing, no, DETERMINED to heal.

And since they are packaged like condoms you can pretend that you are getting ready to consummate your love of either necrophilia or bestiality each time you (despite the watery raccoon eyes) rip open a new one!

Available at your local Hot Topic! Or if you haven't been to the mall since 1999, click below to purchase.

Lord of the Rings Gollum-Obsession Baby T-Shirt

Because you know the first thing you want people to see when you proudly present your beautiful bouncing newborn is that you actually gave birth to two babies... who just happen to live inside the same body.

Seriously, can there be anything creepier than picturing a baby gurgling and making baby sounds and then all of sudden reaching for Mommy's wedding ring? Gives a whole new meaning to the term "precious." This poor baby is going to have a hard time living in a world of sunlight with it's never-going-to-grow-in hair and blue/grey/weirdly shinny skin.

If you really come to think of it, the voice of Gollum does sound similar to a baby, Rugrats-speak and all. Which makes owning the shirt all the less enticing. Way to set your baby back a few notches from the get-go, parents.

Buy this auto-baby-stratifying device by clicking below.

Barbie Foosball Table

Barbies have become the cool thing to make creative, avant-garde art pieces with ( see this art installation ) and this foosball table from 'The Barbie Plastic Collection' is the perfect example of Barbie becoming a high-end luxury product at the whooping price of $25,000. That's right, pay the price of a small, used 2003 Toyota Echo for a table that'll solidify what your friends already think of you.

Invite the guys over for a hardy round of football, chicken wings, porn, arm-wrestling, thorough measuring and (above all) Barbie Foosball.


Meeting at Matel:

"We need to appeal to a male audience!"

"How about a foosball table, where we impale America's favorite dress-up doll like she's part of a Saw movie and then use her carcass to kick around a ball in an effort to mirror a sport that's popular everywhere else in the world except America?"

"PERFECT! Jenkins, here's a million dollars!"

"Okay!" *coke binge*

Live in Barbie's world (or just make her live in yours) by purchasing the foosball table from the link provided below.