Rise of the Planet of the Apes:
9 numbers appear on the screen. Then they are replaced by blanks. The player must then touch the blanks in the correct order. Then the game tells the player how much dumber than a monkey they are. Well, duh: For starters, the number of monkeys who have downloaded this app remains zero, so they're automatically smarter than the player. Here is a clip of me playing the game:
As you can see, I was distracted by something more entertaining.
All things considered, this game gets a thumbs-up for its scientific significance. Scientists have found that monkeys do better at this "game" than humans. Counting monkeys are pretty interesting, although this test just proves that monkeys have way more patience for really educational games. It's amazing how easily one gets amused when one is locked in a lab and tested on all day.
Download the app for free.
Kung Fu Panda 2
You know that creepy man whose always staring. On the bus, the train, at your family reunions, etc. Their yellow, unwavering eyes send worms up the spines of normal commuters.
It turns out, they're just looking for someone to play staring contest. It's no wonder, however, that he can't find any competition: staring contests are boring. Seriously, any game that can be consistently won by a tree is not a game.
Despite this, one can get all the excitement of eye-itchiness in an app promoting Kung Fu Panda 2. It's pretty much like you'd expect: two eyes stare at you, hypnotically weighing your eyelids down until you blink. This is supposed to promote a children's action movie, evidently by combining the two exciting actions of sitting and staring.
We sat down and patiently tried to play this "game." These creepy panda eyes stare out, and stuff appears on the screen. We click up, right, down, or left based on where the item appears. No matter what we did, Jack Black yelled dumb non-humor at us, so we felt like losers.
Download the app, here. It's free (no s**t).
Cowboys and Aliens
Here, the makers of the game are promising a lot of excitement by combining the exciting power to excite of aliens, cowboys, and Coca-Cola. Does it deliver on this promise? Just take a look at this exciting screenshot to see:
No it does not. Apparently, the one thing uniting cowboys and aliens is our interspecial love for carbonated processed bean beverages. Aliens are probably confused after seeing American media, and think that cola drinks are a weapon used to set people's hair on fire.
The point of the game seems to be to grab the Coca-Cola bottles before the aliens do. Where is this game taking place that there are actually bottles of Coca-Cola? Mexico? Why are cowboys and aliens having a grand battle for Mexico?
More importantly than all that, what is the marketing paradigm behind making a bad, glitchy game to promote a glossy feature film? Does this actually create some sort of buzz that puts butts in seats, "let's go see that film: I like Coca-Cola!" Console video games based on movies are profitable, mainly because they capitalize off of the brand buzz created by the film. But this works the opposite way, people are supposed to play the app then be enticed to see the film. How? There's dozens of programmers sitting around a room wasting their time doing 32-bit animations of Coca-Cola bottles, when they could be using their skills for something important (programming 3D porn).
Download it, here.
What we find most shocking is that the makers of this film decided to spend any money promoting it, at all. But, if the film has a meandering, hard to grasp plot and an utter lack of explanation, then this game reflects it perfectly.
Basically, you go wandering through a zoo, playing games at each of the various animal cages. Judging from the comments section, it looks like these mini-games come with little to no instruction. ITunes has these raving customer reviews on the front page of the game site:
"Slow Game. Not much excitement."
"It won't let me go play the stupid game"
"App just keeps crashing when I click on the button to play the game. Kids are super disappointed."
These all of the comments on the page that's supposed to sell you on the game. Although, we feel kind of sorry for the last commenter. If your kids are even the slightest bit disappointed about not playing a free game based on a Kevin James film, your life sucks.
Believe it or not, this film flopped. Apparently, successfully having monkeys program an iphone app wasn't enough promotion to make this film a hit.Download the app here, but don't say we didn't warn you.