Entertainment

The Best 'Clerks' Movie Quotes  

Movie and TV Quotes
347 votes 194 voters 18.5k views 25 items

Because it's such a classic and beloved movie, here are the funniest Clerks movie quotes, as voted on by Kevin Smith fans like you. Clerks is the low budget flick that launched Kevin Smith's career as a movie director. The black-and-white black comedy centers on two clerks, Dante and Randall, and the horribly amazing single day they have at 'work'. With the eventually legendary Jay and Silent Bob, the duo play hockey, talk about the significance of blowjobs, and much more. Clerks  has some legendary quotes, and is certifiably crazy and a certified cult classic. 

What are the best Clerks quotes? Vote for your favorites below and let the best one liners and quotes from the movie Clerks rise to the top of the list. 
1
37 What?
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Video: YouTube
Dante: Wait, but you said you only had sex with three different guys! You never mentioned him.Veronica: Because I never had sex with him.Dante: You sucked his dick!Veronica: We went out a few times. We never had sex, but we fooled around.Dante: Oh, my God! Why did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?Veronica: Because I did only have sex with three different guys! That doesn't mean I didn't just go with people.Dante: Oh, my God, I feel so nauseous.Veronica: Sorry, Dante, I thought you understood.Dante: I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said!Veronica: Please calm down.Dante: How many?Veronica: Dante!Dante: How many dicks have you sucked?Veronica: Let it go!Dante: How many?Veronica: All right! Shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you fucked!Dante: This is different! This is important! How many?  Well?Veronica: Um... something like 36.Dante: WHAT? SOMETHING LIKE 36!?Veronica: Lower your voice.Dante: Wait, what is that anyway, "something like 36?" Does that include me?Veronica: Um... 37.Dante: I'M 37!?Veronica: I'm going to class.Dante: Oh, my God.  37! My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!Customer: In a row?
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2
Lasagna Lady
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Video: YouTube
Silent Bob: You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.
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3
Happy Scrappy Hero Pup
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Video: YouTube
Mother: Excuse me, do you sell videos?
Randal: Yeah. What're you looking for?
Mother: Happy Scrappy: Hero Pup.
Randal: Uh, one second. I'm on the phone with the distribution house now. Let me make sure they got it. What's it called again?
Mother: Happy Scrappy: Hero Pup.
Child: Happy Scrappy.
Mother: She loves it.
Randal: Obviously. Uh, yeah, hi, this is RST Video calling, customer number 4352, I'd like to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: Whispers in the Wind, To Each His Own, Put It Where It Doesn't Belong, My Pipes Need Cleaning, All Tit-Fucking, Volume 8, I Need Your Cock, Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers, My Cunt Needs Shafts, Cum Clean, Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts, Cum Buns 3, Cumming in Socks, Cum On Eileen, Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum, Girls Who Crave Cock, Girls Who Crave Cunt, Men Alone 2: The KY Connection, Pink Pussy Lips, oh yeah, and, uh, All Holes Filled with Hard Cock. Yep. Oh, wait a minute.  Uh, what was that called again?
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4
Misery Loves Company
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Video: YouTube
Dante: You get me slapped with a fine, you argue with the customers and I have to patch everything up. You get us thrown out of a funeral by violating a corpse, and then to top it all off, you ruin my relationship. I mean, what's your encore? Do you, like, anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank? You know what the real tragedy about all this is? I'm not even supposed to be here today!
Randal: Oh fuck you! Fuck you, pal! Jesus, there you go. Trying to pass the buck. I`m the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex-girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one? You want to blame somebody? Blame yourself!  'I'm not even supposed to be here today.' You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here. You're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulder, like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you over-compensate for havin' what's basically a monkey's job. You push fuckin' buttons! Anybody could waltz in here and do our jobs. You, you're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante, and badly I might add. I work in a shitty video store, badly as well. You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man, he has no delusions about what he does. Us - we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper or God forbid, cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so fuckin' advanced, what are we doin' working here?
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