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The Best Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels Quotes

Updated August 7, 2020 16.0k views36 items

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels quotes are certainly quotable for movie fans. These are some of the best quotes from the crime film Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels as determined by you and your votes. Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels was the film that put Guy Ritchie on the map. The story centers on a heist, a rigged card game, and a small-time gang next door. Released on August 28, 1998, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels was promoted with the tagline, "They lost half a million at cards but they've still got a few tricks up their sleeve."

What are the best Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels quotes? Do you like the Barry the Baptist line, "When you dance with the devil, you wait for the song to stop"? Or do you like some of the lesser known lines from the film? Let it be known. Vote for your top Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels quotes and watch them rise to the top of the list.

  • Bacon: Right. Let's sort the buyers from the spyers, the needy from the greedy, and those who trust me from the ones who don't. Because if you can't see value here today, you're not up here shopping, you're up here shoplifting. You see these goods? Never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite; Fanny by the gaslight. Take a bag, come mon, take a bag. I took a bag home last night. Cost me a lot more than ten pound, I can tell you. Anyone like jewellery? Look at that one there. Handmade in Italy, hand-stolen in Stepney. It's as long as my arm; I wish it was as long as something else. Don't think because these boxes are sealed up, they're empty. The only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker, and by the look of some of you lot today, I'd make more money with me measuring tape. Here, one price. Ten pound.
    Eddie: Did you say ten pound?
    Bacon: Are you deaf?
    Eddie: That's a bargain. I'll take one.
    Bacon: Squeeze in if you can. Left leg, right leg, your body will follow. They call it walking. You want one as well, darling? You do? That's it, they're waking up! Treat the wife. Treat somebody else's wife. It's a lot more fun if you don't get caught. Hold on. You want one as well? Okay, darling, show me a bit of life, then. It's no good standing out there like one o'clock half-struck. Buy them, you better buy them. These are not stolen, they just haven't been paid for, and we can't get them again, they've changed the bloody locks. Here, one for you. It's no good coming back later when I've sold out. "Too late, too late" will be the cry when the man with the bargains has passed you by. If you got no money on you now, you'll be crying tears as big as October cabbages.
    Eddie: Bacon, cozzers!
    Bacon: Shit. [quickly throws all the goods inside a suitcase and starts running]
  • Nick the Greek: [haggling with Tom] What else do I get with it?
    Tom: You get a gold-plated Rolls Royce, as long as you pay for it.
    Nick the Greek: Dunno, Tom. Seems expensive.
    Tom: Seems? Well, this seems to be a waste of my time. That is a 900 nicker in any shop you're lucky enough to find one in. And you're complaining about 200? What school of finance did you study? It's a deal, it's a steal, it's the sale of the fucking century. In fact, fuck it, Nick, I think I'll keep it!
    Nick the Greek: All right, all right, keep your Alans on!
    [Nick pulls a massive wad of money out of his pocket]
    Nick the Greek: Here's a ton.
    Tom and Eddie: Jesus Christ!
    Eddie: You could choke a dozen donkeys on that! And you're haggling over one hundred pound? What do you do when you're not buying stereos, Nick, finance revolutions?
    Nick the Greek: 100 pounds is still 100 pounds.
    Tom: Not when the price is 200 pounds, it's not! And certainly not when you've got Liberia's deficit in your skyrocket. Tighter than a duck's butt, you are. Now, come on, let me feel the fiber of your fabric.
  • J: [discussing their careers as marijuana growers] I've a strong suspicion we should have been rocket scientists, or Nobel Peace Prize winners … something.
    Charles: Peace Prize? Oh, be lucky to find your penis for a piss, the amount you keep smoking.
  • Winston: Charles, why have we got that cage?
    Charles: Uh, security.
    Winston: That's right, that's right – security. So what's the point in having it if we're not going to fucking use it?
    Charles: Well, I would've used it, but this is Willie, and Willie lives here.
    Winston: Yes, Charles, but you didn't know it was Willie until you opened the door, did you?
    Willie: Chill, Winston, it's me. Charlie knows it's me, what's the problem?
    Winston: The problem is, Willie, that Charles and yourself are not the quickest of cats at the best of times. So just do as I say and keep the fucking cage locked! … What is that?
    Willie: That's Gloria.
    Winston: Yes, I know that's Gloria. What's that?
    Willie: Uh, fertilizer.
    Winston: You went out six hours ago to buy a money counter, and you come back with a semi-conscious Gloria and a bag of fertilizer? Alarm bells are ringing, Willie!
    Willie: We need fertilizer, Winston.
    Winston: Mm-hm, we also need a money counter. This money's got to be out by Thursday, I'm buggered if I'm gonna count it. Oh, and, uhm, if you do have to buy sodding fertilizer, could you just be a little more subtle?
    Willie: What do you mean?
    Winston: We grow copious amounts of ganja, yeah?
    Willie: Yeah.
    Winston: And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don't look like your average horti-fucking-culturist! That's what I mean, Willie.