The Funniest Ron Swanson Quotes

Ron Swanson, the bacon-loving, pyramid-touting boss on NBC's hilarious sitcom Parks and Recreation, has GOT to be one of the funniest and most quotable characters ever on television. Looking for the funniest Ron Swanson quotes? You've come to the right place. Nick Offerman's portrayal of Ron Swanson brings big laughs for fans of the show. And if you aren't a fan - become one. Now.

What are some of the funniest Ron Swanson quotes? This list will give you some insight to TV's favorite libertarian. His quotes about the outdoors, government and of course, his love for all things red meat have made Parks & Rec fans chuckle for years. 

Without furtherr ado, we present some nuggets of wisdom from Ron Swanson, via his often disturbing and hysterically funny quotes.


  • 1
    247 VOTES

    Hospital Form

    Hospital Form
    Video: YouTube
    "How many Drinks of Alcohol do you consume a week?" 
    "That's it one drink? 
    "One Shelf." 
    "Do you exercise?"  
    "Yes, Lovemaking and Woodworking." 
    "Do you have any history of mental illness in your family?"  
    "I have an uncle who does yoga."  
    "Cowardice and Weak Willed Men... and Hazelnuts" 
    "Sexual History?"  
    "Epic. and Private."
  • 2
    181 VOTES

    The Food My Food Eats

    The Food My Food Eats
    Video: YouTube

    "There's been a mistake. You've accidentally given me the food that my food eats."  

    There need not be any 'vegetables' on the menu, even at a wedding. Unless of course a gerbil is marrying a rabbit.
  • 3
    175 VOTES

    Skim Milk

    Skim Milk
    Video: YouTube

    "There's only one thing I hate more than lying. Skim Milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk." 

    If there's anything worse than someone lying it's someTHING lying. Skim Milk isn't milk, it's white water.
  • 4
    197 VOTES

    All the Bacon and Eggs You Have

    All the Bacon and Eggs You Have
    Video: YouTube

    Ron: "Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I'm worried what you just heard was, 'Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.' What I said was, 'Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.' Do you understand?"

    Bacon is one of the four major food groups. That's about the only thing we agree with Ron on. Okay maybe the fish meat-as-vegetable idea....