Shopping The Most Epic Amazon Reviews  

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255 votes 94 voters 28.1k views 50 items

Ordering anything on the Internet can be scary and even stressful but with these most epic Amazon reviews, online shopping is both easy and hilarious. Anyone can write a review for a product sold on Amazon.com, but only a select few have what it takes to produce an absolutely epic user reviews for products sold in the virtual marketplace.

While many of the items reviewed here are funny to begin with, some are normal everyday items we use everyday. From the classic three wolf moon T-shirt to gallons of milk to army tanks to ballpoint pens, these epic Amazon reviews are sure to please.
1 36 VOTES

Knuckle Blaster Stun Gun


Knuckle Blaster Stun Gun is listed (or ranked) 1 on the list The Most Epic Amazon Reviews
Photo: via Reddit

tdoog: "I purchased this after I was confronted by some punks demanding that I hand over my money. I'm a relatively fit guy, but I was no match for them. That is when I realized that I need to protect myself. The day after I bought this product I went to the very same Wal-Mart parking lot when I was first mugged. I approached the group of hooligans standing outside the entrance, concealing my secret weapon.

I cooly asked "Remember me?".One of them looked up and said, "Have you come back to buy some Samoas or Thin Mints? My Girl Scout Troop needs to raise more money!"I replied with "you're not taking my money this time". "But sir, they're delicious!", she said.

I whipped out my Knuckle Blaster Stun Gun hand and shouted "WRONG MOVE B****!" The five girl scouts ran away screaming.

As I pounded my chest in victory, I accidentally activated the stun gun and applied 950,000 Volts to my right nipple. I woke up 4 hours later to the sound of heavy footsteps. Those Girl Scouts had brought their fathers. But I was ready. I lunged at the largest one with a cry of "RAGGLE FRAGGLE!!!" and hit him in the stomach. He hit the ground harder than a fat kid on a jungle gym.

As the others began to circle around me, I changed techniques. Holding both of my hands in tight fists, I rased my arms to my sides and initiated the helicopter spin. They all backed off, fearing my impressive RPM. After a while I started getting dizzy, and one of the fathers decided to try to tackle me. As he ran to me stood there, dizzy and queasy; time was going real slow. Then I remembered. I had eaten lunch at Chipotle and the burrito was fighting its way back up my stomach.

I tuned toward my enemy and launched a stream of projectile vomit at him, knocking him to the ground. Then I started singing "Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the.... FLOOOOORRR!!!!"

I grabbed my Knuckle Blasher Stun Gun and shoved it into my mouth, running headfirst at my foes, electrocuting them with my teeth. Eventually they were all unconscious, and I walked home victorious."
31 5
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2 7 VOTES

Handerpants


Handerpants is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list The Most Epic Amazon Reviews
Photo: via Wikimedia

Robert D Walton: "I mean, I always wanted my crotch and my hands to have more in common, now they do!"

Mephisto Perass: "Don't eat brown or yellow food with these, it makes it look like you crapped your hands. Other than that, they are great."

Amazon Customer Feb 17 2011: "As a genetic bio-engineer, I am working on architecting the growth of organs and appendages via biological induction grafting. For you dummies, that means I do things like grow human ears on mice. It's super cool.

One day I fell asleep at work, in the lab, and a couple of the office knuckleheads decided to prank yours truly. Here's what went down. See, we had this dick in the freezer - some Japanese guy kicked off and donated it to us. It's in his will and everything. Pretty wild, right?

So, other than occasionally pulling it out of the fridge and sticking it in Benny's ear for a goof, it doesn't get much action.

Currently we're working on growing a thumb - it's pretty great because all the mice look like they're doing the Fonz's "Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy" as they have a big thumb sticking up on their backs.

Because we're so tied up with the thumb, we have no time to mess around with the freezer dick. Eventually we'll learn how to grow dicks, although more people need new thumbs than dicks, you know?

But, back to my story.

I passed out around noon after a particularly heavy Arby's beef and cheddar lunch. It was one of those five-for-five deals, and I put down the sandwiches in about seven minutes.

When I woke up, Carl was pointing at my hand and laughing. Those bozos has grafted the Japanese dick to my right palm!

Well, two weeks later and the dick's still attached. Apparently my body has "accepted" the dick, and if I have it removed, it'll die or something.

I know - totally bummed.

I reported Carl to HR - although, I did have to admit it was a pretty solid gag. But, walking around with a dick on my hand is a little inconvenient. Plus, it's embarrassing.

Most people don't like seeing dicks in public - there's actually a lot of trouble you can get in showing you dick around town. It's a big deal to the law.

I found the Handerpants on Amazon. It sucks to type with a dick on your hand, as I'm always hitting the "/" key accidentally.

I can now go out into public with ALL of me. My real dick and my palm-dick are both out of sight. And the gloves are fingerless, so I have a little hipster fashion thing going on.

Thank you Handerpants!

Attention public - if you see me walking around, do NOT give me a high five. That really hurts!"
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3 18 VOTES

Relaxman Relaxation Capsule


Relaxman Relaxation Capsule is listed (or ranked) 3 on the list The Most Epic Amazon Reviews
Photo: via Twitter

Designed in Switzerland for relaxation and stress reduction, the Relaxman is a personal pod that claims to treat tension, anxiety, depression and even jet lag using a heated water mattress, music, lights and a negative ion-enriched atmosphere. Simply relax in the capsule for 50 minutes and all your problems will disappear.

Beloved Leader: "Similar to a hermit crab, I spend my days on the streets, travelling from box to ever increasing quality box. These glorious shelters have never let me down, and it is always a joy to discover a new home even greater than the last. One fateful day I ran into a different kind of box... It wasn't brown or soggy like my previous shelters, instead this one was white, shiny, and even waterproof! One step inside and I knew I had discovered my paradise. I was born to live here, my days of living box to box was over. Located next to one of the largest dumpsters in recent memory, I still can't imagine a more perfect paradise. I've begun searching for furniture, appliances, and other various luxuries as I move into my new home. I have always believed that God gives gifts in increments, but here I am receiving everything at once! It's almost too much to handle for a simple old man such as myself. But even with a semi-permanant new home, I will always hang my Hermit Crab medallion proudly upon my chest. Thank you, Relaxman, for giving me the box of my dreams."

Sailoil: "One drawback, when it was delivered the capsule had no bolt on the outside. But I'm handy, so I installed one.
I have been locking the wife and kids into the chamber from 7pm to 7am every evening, and boy am I relaxed. This really works."
16 2
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4 16 VOTES

Accouterments Horse Head Mask


Accouterments Horse Head Mask is listed (or ranked) 4 on the list The Most Epic Amazon Reviews
Photo: via Twitter

Selig7: "It's not big enough to completely cover a horse's head, and it doesn't provide enough air flow for them, either." 

T. C. Zimmermann: "By wearing this mask, I was able to get anything and everything I needed. Plenty of hay, lots of time to run and, best of all, I no longer have to wear pants." 

ByronicHero: "It is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own. I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways." 
13 3
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