READ THE REAL THOR: The Very Best of Jon Mikl Thor  

Brian Gilmore
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Do you know what it's like to breathe metal? Jon Mikl Thor does. He knows what it's like to not only breathe it, but dominate it until it's his loyal, obedient hell hound of death and volcanoes. To quote the Canadian Rock-Warrior of Thunder: "Blowing up hot water bottles, bending steel, and having cinder blocks broken over his chest are all in a night's work." What the hell did YOU do today at work? That's what I thought. Here are the greatest moments from Jon Mikl Thor, the greatest Thor the world has ever known.

The Final Battle in Rock n Roll Nightmare

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Video: YouTube

WARNING: This video will most likely make your face melt into a plastic-looking goo that will burn your hands at the touch, so please refrain from trying to pick up your new melted face skin-goo with your bare hands. If you want my opinion, use a gauntlet. But whatever you do, watch this entire video. Especially out of context, it's the greatest thing in the history of creation since hot chicks, food and air.

A Little Context:
Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare is a film that pretty much everyone has to see at some point in their lives. It's kind of like Christmas in a movie. It needs to be enjoyed with loved ones and enjoyed in that way at least once a year.

For most of the scenes where Jon Mikl Thor fights any kind of monster, it looks more like he's having a hard time moving them, as decoration, into another room. This, along with Jon Mikl Thor's awesomely self-indulgent and absolutely amazing acting style make for a unique viewing experience that you will remember well into your afterlife of riding dragons into castles to fight wizards with the help of your brothers, the dwarf clan.

There are two things that this film has brought to the world, but the best, and most important of which, is the quote "I'll see you again, Old Scratch".

Here's the IMDB synopsis, in case you were wondering:

At an old farmhouse, a family mysteriously dissapears at the hands of evil. Years later, hair metal band The Tritons comes to the farmhouse, whose barn now features a 24-track recording studio. Lead singer John Triton gets the band to perform their first night in the farmhouse after dinner, and weird little beasties suddenly appear, and strange things start to happen. Band members (and their tag along girlfriends) begin to act strangely and vanish one by one. Soon, only John Triton remains, and he holds a secret. Finally, the evil shows itself and a battle between heaven and hell [yes, they are talking about the video you just watched] ensues...

His Original Merv Griffin Appearance

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Video: YouTube

WARNING: This clip features a young Jon Mikl Thor doing what he does best: kicking ass, rocking out and involuntarily collecting a trail of naked ladies along the way. Sure, it's a little old, but as soon as you realize the life-changing experience you're about to have, try to hold on to your feet so that they don't get severed at the joints when your socks are knocked clear off your body.

A Little Context:
Back when they still had variety shows that were worth a damn, The Merv Griffin Show ruled the airwaves for decades. Making his national television debut in America, a 1976, pre-hair-metal Jon Mikl Thor made an appearance on the show and blew everyone away. You can't help but smile, like the guy in the audience did, when you see Thor proving that what he's doing is real.

What does he do? He blows up a tough, thick-as-skin, rubber hot water bottle like it was a balloon, displaying once and for all that he doesn't breathe air, he breathes awesome. And, as you'll realize he just tends to do, he does it in the middle of a song. Because when you're seeing THOR, you're not there to see music, you're there to witness miracles.

The Music Video for Anger

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Video: YouTube

WARNING: Mystical gnomes from a firey land of stone and lava-chains will most likely cast a spell on your mortal head, implanting this song in your memory for all eternity.

A Little Context
In what is well-known as one of the most ridiculous music videos to ever air on MTV, or any other medium, Thor's amazing music video features powerful fortune-telling dark gnomes, dungeons, vast expanses of forest, spike-pads, sword fights, the words " There's Lightning in My Eyes" and him rescuing hot babes with huge racks. And a real-life dwarf assistant, of course.

Thor Bends a Metal Bar WITH HIS TEETH

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Video: YouTube

WARNING: Any human watching this video, male or female, will have to change into new underwear and pants after watching this.

A Little Context:
When performing a heavy metal show, the obvious thing to do, if you're a thunderous God of rock and life, is to actually bring literal metal into the equation. Never that of that, have you, Music Industry?

At about 1:08, after he's done dancing around on the stage with a huge metal bar like a real-life Gob Bluth, he says "I went down to the stock yard today and I got this hunk of steel. You may be wondering what am I doing on the stage with this hunk of steel in my hand? Since we're men of heavy metal music, I thought I oughta do some metal bending!!!".

Absolutely awesome. He passes it around and then pretends it's a guitar a few more times because in the hands of a God, metal can take any form it f*cking wants.

Then, at 3:22, comes something that will make you aware of how much of a man you're not. He bends the with his teeth in a feat that easily would have rocked the bottom half of your pansy face clear off. And he doesn't even stop after he gets claps, he keeps going until you could use that thing to tweeze the eyebrows of a mighty one-eyed giant.