The Very Best Conan O'Brien Quotes

Conan O'Brien quotes highlight some of the brilliant late night TV host and writer's funniest jokes. Some quotes are more serious and introspective (many, not surprisingly, deal with overcoming disappointment), while others are true zingers aimed at everyone from political figures to corporations. Over the years, Conan O'Brien has provided faithful viewers with some classic comedic quotes - many in his hilarious monologues. His new documentary, 'Conan O'Brien Can't Stop,' also contains some absolute gems. Check out some of the best Conan O'Brien quotes here, and if you don't see your favorite, be sure to list it in the comments!

  • 1
    46 VOTES

    On Goals

    "I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too."

    And if Jay Leno wants to do it too, you're SOL. Unless you're Conan - then you just move to cable, keep being witty, and beat the crap out of Leno in the ratings.
    46 votes
  • 2
    15 VOTES

    On Disappointment

    "I told graduates to not be afraid to fail, and I still believe that. But today I tell you that whether you fear it or not, disappointment will come. The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality."

    Conan O'Brien delivered the commencement address at Dartmouth on June 12, 2011. He offered graduates truly insightful advice, drawing, of course, on his own experiences.
    15 votes
  • 3
    25 VOTES

    On Chernobyl

    "Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real."

    Disasters, natural or otherwise, are not immune from Conan's humor.
    25 votes
  • 4
    20 VOTES

    'Tonight' Show Goodbye

    "Before we end this rodeo, a few things need to be said. There has been a lot of speculation in the press about what I legally can and can't say about NBC. To set the record straight, tonight I am allowed to say anything I want. And what I want to say is this: between my time at Saturday Night Live, the Late Night show, and my brief run here on The Tonight Show, I have worked with NBC for over twenty years."

    "Yes, we have our differences right now and yes, we're going to go our separate ways. But this company has been my home for most of my adult life. I am enormously proud of the work we have done together, and I want to thank NBC for making it all possible."

    Leave it to Conan to go out classy. Really classy. This is his final goodbye on the last 'Tonight' show.

    "Walking away from The Tonight Show is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Making this choice has been enormously difficult. This is the best job in the world, I absolutely love doing it, and I have the best staff and crew in the history of the medium. But despite this sense of loss, I really feel this should be a happy moment. Every comedian dreams of hosting The Tonight Show and, for seven months, I got to. I did it my way, with people I love, and I do not regret a second. I've had more good fortune than anyone I know and if our next gig is doing a show in a 7-Eleven parking lot, we'll find a way to make it fun."

    "And finally, I have to say something to our fans. The massive outpouring of support and passion from so many people has been overwhelming. The rallies, the signs, all the goofy, outrageous creativity on the internet, and the fact that people have traveled long distances and camped out all night in the pouring rain to be in our audience, made a sad situation joyous and inspirational."
    20 votes
  • 5
    11 VOTES

    On Delusion

    "When all else fails, there's always delusion."

    He's right. Delusion can be very useful.
    11 votes
  • 6
    19 VOTES

    On Starbucks

    "Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!"

    Great idea. Companies aren't immune from being the butt of Conan's monologue jokes - not even Starbucks.
    19 votes