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The Very Best Conan O'Brien Quotes

Updated June 14, 2019 389 votes 105 voters 27.2k views20 items
Conan O'Brien quotes highlight some of the brilliant late night TV host and writer's funniest jokes. Some quotes are more serious and introspective (many, not surprisingly, deal with overcoming disappointment), while others are true zingers aimed at everyone from political figures to corporations. Over the years, Conan O'Brien has provided faithful viewers with some classic comedic quotes - many in his hilarious monologues. His new documentary, 'Conan O'Brien Can't Stop,' also contains some absolute gems. Check out some of the best Conan O'Brien quotes here, and if you don't see your favorite, be sure to list it in the comments!
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  • 1

    On Goals

    "I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too."

    And if Jay Leno wants to do it too, you're SOL. Unless you're Conan - then you just move to cable, keep being witty, and beat the crap out of Leno in the ratings.
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  • 2

    On Chernobyl

    "Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real."

    Disasters, natural or otherwise, are not immune from Conan's humor.
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  • 3

    On Disappointment

    "I told graduates to not be afraid to fail, and I still believe that. But today I tell you that whether you fear it or not, disappointment will come. The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality."

    Conan O'Brien delivered the commencement address at Dartmouth on June 12, 2011. He offered graduates truly insightful advice, drawing, of course, on his own experiences.
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  • 4

    On Glenn Beck

    "Fox News host Glenn Beck has lost over 30 sponsors since he called President Obama a racist. And the latest sponsor that he just lost is Clorox bleach. That's amazing. Even a company whose sole purpose is to make things whiter thinks Glenn Beck has gone too far."

    Conan never, ever, misses an opportunity to skewer public figures - and he does it with intelligence and humor, a rare combination.
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