Graveyard Shift 12 Creepy Things Your Body Does That You Have No Control Over  

Jacob Shelton
343.6k views 12 items

You may think you’re in control of your bodily functions, but it’s a fool's errand to think you can take hold of the reigns of the runaway carriage that is your body. Whether you’re awake or asleep, there are things your body is always doing, and some of those bodily functions you can't control are very creepy if not out-and-out disgusting. The human body is a pulsating, gurgling mass of life that’s constantly killing and regenerating itself, which means that at any point of the day you’re carrying around a wheelbarrow full of decay in your body. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

The ways you can't control your body don’t just apply to all the disgusting things going on inside your stomach - the never ending saga of chaos also applies to your brain. You may think that you can boss your noggin around, but with the amount of random neurons firing off in that big grey mass you call your think box there’s no way to know what it’s going to do next. After reading about the things in your body you can't control, you should worship at the temple of your strange body, reveling in the fact that it is a complicated system that’s constantly teetering on the brink of destruction. The only other way to handle this information is running into the night screaming and trying to rip off your flesh – something you may actually want to do after reading a few of these pieces of information. 

Urine Is Constantly Brewing In Your Body

Urine Is Constantly Brewing In... is listed (or ranked) 1 on the list 12 Creepy Things Your Body Does That You Have No Control Over
Photo:  markusspiske/Pixabay/CC0 1.0

It doesn't matter if you work in a bank, if you're the CEO of a rising startup, or if you work on a farm, your first (and main) job in this world is as a giant brewing mechanism for urine. Your entire body is built to filter liquid through your kidneys, nephrons, and glomeruluses (glomeruli?) and differentiate the bits of liquid that can be filtered into your bloodstream from the ones that are toxins.

The latter get to fill your bladder with delicious, smelly urine. All you home brewers out there should be very excited about this prospect. 

Sebum Is Pouring Out Of Your Face

Sebum Is Pouring Out Of Your F... is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list 12 Creepy Things Your Body Does That You Have No Control Over
Photo:  Couleur/Pixabay/CC0 1.0

Sebum, an oily secretion of the sebaceous glands, is basically the oil that's coming out of all of your pores all of the time on a daily basis. No matter what you're doing, you're always covered in a thin layer of sebum that's keeping your skin moist and shiny. If you've got too much sebum, you might get some errant acne, but if you've got just the right amount, you're probably a beautiful human that everyone despises (it's the truth). There's really nothing you can do about your greasy skin.

You can cut back on particularly oily foods, but the the thing you actually have to do to change the amount of oil in your skin is hop in a time machine and convince your less oily parent to marry someone else with a small amount of sebum covering their skin. If your body weren't consistently pumping out skin oil, there's a good chance that all your skin would flake up and break off, leaving you a pile of bloody meat. 

You Don't Need To Be Ashamed Of Those Intrusive Thoughts

You Don't Need To Be Asham... is listed (or ranked) 3 on the list 12 Creepy Things Your Body Does That You Have No Control Over
Photo: claytonjayscott.com/flickr/CC-BY-NC-ND 2.0

Have you ever thought about a cat stabbing your grandmother to death with a lemon? That's because your brain is a freak, but it has nothing to do with you. When you see a pool of blood in a butcher's shop, and you think about licking it up, that doesn't mean that you have a blood fetish. It simply means that your brain is workshopping the most inappropriate thing that can happen, kind of like a background program that's turning your imagination into a snuff film that you're not meant to see.

The more you focus on intrusive thinking and try not to have these thoughts, the more likely it is they'll be become commonplace. So the next time you think about kicking your mom down the stairs while she's rollerskating, just revel in the fact that you probably won't actually do it, and you don't even have to be embarrassed for thinking it.

Your Mouth Is Literally Brimming With Saliva At All Times

Your Mouth Is Literally Brimmi... is listed (or ranked) 4 on the list 12 Creepy Things Your Body Does That You Have No Control Over
Photo: zbdh12/flickr/CC-BY-NC 2.0

When was the last time you were sitting around and thinking about how much spit was collecting in your mouth? If it wasn't earlier today, then you're definitely thinking about your mop bucket of a mouth now. Throughout the day, your salivary glands make around two to four pints of saliva a day, usually in the afternoon (it's when you're at your most salivatory), and there's nothing you can do to stop yourself from getting all spitty.

You can starve yourself, but what good will that do? Nothing good, that's what it's going to do.