myths The Craziest Things the Greek God Zeus Did to Boink Women & Have Children  

Heather Johnson
29.1k views 7 items Embed

The Greek gods loved nothing more than finding strange new ways to procreate, and none more so than the king of the gods himself. From turning into various animals to tricking women into thinking he's someone (or something) else, here's an all-encompassing list of the weirdest ways Zeus had sex. Everything from constellations to entirely new gods and demi-gods were created as the result of Zeus's sexual conquests. From slightly offbeat to outright terrible, here are some of the weirdest things Zeus did to have sex

He Turned Into a Ray of Sunshine to Give a Golden Shower


He Turned Into a Ray of Sunshi... is listed (or ranked) 1 on the list The Craziest Things the Greek God Zeus Did to Boink Women & Have Children
Photo:  Orazio Gentileschi/via Wikimedia Commons

King Acrisius of Argos had a pretty sweet life - what with being king and all - and the only way he felt it could get any better was if he had a male heir to his throne. He went to an oracle to learn if he'd ever receive one, and was told that not only would he have a male heir, but that heir would ultimately kill him.

So he did what any logical man would do - he locked his daughter, Danae, in a room with no doors so that no man could penetrate it (or her).

Enter Zeus - only not through a door or anything (since the room didn't have one). He turned himself into a ray of golden sunshine so that he could filter in through the cracks in the walls. We don't know the details after that, but we assume there was some literally dazzling sex, because nine months later we have baby Perseus -yay! (Except Perseus accidentally kills King Acrisius in a quoit demonstration decades later, so not yay!)

He Transformed Into a Swan Because Screw Eagles


He Transformed Into a Swan Bec... is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list The Craziest Things the Greek God Zeus Did to Boink Women & Have Children
Photo:  Peter Paul Rubens/via Wikimedia Commons

King Tyndareus of Sparta had a lovely wife named Leda. One day, an eagle attacked Leda as she was bathing in a body of water outdoors. Zeus, who had already been perving on her for some time, decided that today would be his lucky day. He used the eagle attack as an excuse to change himself into a swan and fend off the violent eagle.

At this point it's unclear whether or not he seduced Leda willingly or raped her, but the end result is the same: nine months later, Leda laid an argued-upon number of eggs (yes, it's that weird). The children who came from the eggs were named Castor, Pollux, Clytemnestra, and Helen (of note - this is the famously beautiful Helen of Troy who plays an integral part in Homer's epic Illiad).

He Changed Into a Bull to... Swim?


He Changed Into a Bull to... ... is listed (or ranked) 3 on the list The Craziest Things the Greek God Zeus Did to Boink Women & Have Children
Photo:  Jean Fran├žois de Troy/via Wikimedia Commons

Europa was the daughter of King Agenor of Sidon and said to be a lovely, virginal maiden. One day, as she picked flowers with her lovely virginal maiden friends, she came across a beautiful and docile white bull. Unbeknownst to her, the bull was actually Zeus - he had transformed himself into the gentle beast in order to boink her. When she tempted fate and climbed upon the bull's back, Zeus sped off for the nearest water source and began swimming rapidly to Crete.

After some time, Europa put two and two together and realized this was not normal bull behavior. Zeus, still in bull form and still presumably doing his best Michael Phelps impression, explained who he was and his intentions. Europa, who probably didn't have a choice anyway, went along with the whole thing and ended up giving him children - one of whom became King Minos of Crete.

He Morphed Into an Eagle to Man-Nap and Enslave a Beautiful Youth


He Morphed Into an Eagle to Ma... is listed (or ranked) 4 on the list The Craziest Things the Greek God Zeus Did to Boink Women & Have Children
Photo:  Eustache Le Sueur/via Wikimedia Commons

Prince Ganymede, son of King Tros of Dardania, was known far and wide for his beauty. Proving that Zeus cared more about beauty than gender, he transformed himself into an eagle in order to carry the pretty boy up to Mount Olympus for what we can only assume was some very rough yet strangely soft bestiality.

Unfortunately, the story doesn't end there; Zeus enjoyed the prince's company immensely and, like a good Rick Roll, was never gonna give him up and was never gonna let him down - and never gonna say good-bye. He kept poor Prince Ganymede up on Mount Olympus against his will to serve him as a cupbearer (and paid his father in horses as compensation - something he rarely, if ever, did for his female love interests).

Eventually, Zeus turned Ganymede into the constellation Aquarius, further proving that Greek mortals, male or female, were better off not being gorgeous enough to tempt Zeus if they wanted to be the masters of their own lives.