Portal 2 is one of the best games out there, and if If there's one thing I learned from the first game, it's that, I'm not man enough to resist the wiles of sexy synthetic ladies. Besides, I'm no John Conner, so I'll be the first in line for my cybernetic implants once the robo-pocalypse begins. I mean why fight the inevitable? To that end, let's have a little list of the sexiest gynoids and data cores in gaming. If I'm effiecient enough, maybe they'll spare me long enough to kill me via sensory pleasure overload - otherwise known as the single best death imaginable.
Now some of these artificially constructed ladies are pretty, some are sultry. Others just have personalities that compensate for the fact that they're really just a hard drive built into your house. But all are sexy . . . as long as you have the right silicone "implants".
By which I mean a direct neural interface with software . . . duh. What did you think perv?Looking for some sexy video games to play? This list might be a good reference for you. These are some of the sexiest games of all time. Don't think so? What do you think are the sexiest video games?
10. Mei Fang - Arcana Heart
Alright, let''s get the most perverted stuff out of the way first, shall we? To that end, meet Mei Fang:
Thank you Japan! You sick, sick bastards. (oh wait there's like a tragedy over there right now, sorry)
Like Mai Shiranui before her, Mei Fang is pure sexuality oozed into a single fighting game character, solely for the sake of sexuality. But like Ash from the film Alien, "She's a goddamn robot!".
Now, the Arcana Heart series of fighting games is "unique" in that it features an entirely female cast of adolescent girls. . . so yes, it's as perverted as you think it is.
But not wanting to be accused just of heavy pedophilic overtones, the developers decided to appeal to every single fetish they could think of at the time, with each sequel only adding more onto the list.
They're on the third installment now, so this means there's more fetish bait than your entire collection of girl-shaped masturbation body pillows: there's a martial arts chick, a nun, a (sigh) cat girl, a chick with a rather "close" relationship to an amorphous slime monster, and even a chubby Naruto Fangirl (now that's a damn specific fetish if I've ever heard of one).
If Mei Fang has anything going for her above the rest of her cast, it's firstly, she actually has a figure. A COMPLETELY unrealistic figure, but hey she was obviously built by a man. A lonely, lonely man, who probably was going more off his lustful imagination than any actual woman (whom I'm sure he never met) when going over her "schematics". I'm not sure why she's going to high school with the rest of the girls in this game, as she's pretty obviously been built to be the ultimate interpretation of a real doll, and for that you do not need any book learning.
Of course you then find out that she was actually built by a woman . . . and then it's all WTF?!
But just to keep the total chauvinism levels on overload here, know also that Mei Fang here, in addition to her ridiculous bust, and completely appropriate lower body wear, also knows thousands of recipes and is completely subservient.
That's right, she cooks and cleans for you too! Wow, way to be progressive Japan!. . . says the ass who's writing a list of sexy fembots.
9. Adjutants - Starcraft
Ever see that Bjork video where the Queen of Iceland herself (if that's not her official status it should be) is built in a Prius factory while she sings about whatever it is that Bjork actually warbles about?
Yeah, I saw that smack dab in the middle of puberty . . . which is probably why I find the Adjutants of Starcraft strangely alluring. Something about watching a beautiful woman being built is just, well at the very least fascinating, if not intriguing. But before you go and say that I'm some sort of freak (which is obviously the case) know that this image exists:
Which means that at least I'm not the only one.
Now the Adjutants are (generally speaking) little more than supercomputers the Terran military uses to help coordinate their battles against their enemies in Starcraft. Of course this essentially amounts to a prettier voice being the one you hear telling you that you need more minerals of vespene gas rather than that deep bass of the Protoss.
So how is she sexy? Well I think I'm going to pull a Cleveland and go with the "Does no one else here find power sexy?" argument.
I'm with Mr. Brown on this one. Yes, power is sexy, and who always has the most power? The computer "assisting" with the war effort, that's who. Thank god they built them with boobs!
Sure some will balk that robot women have cold dead eyes, monotone voices, and no personality to speak of. But hey, isn't that what most men want in a woman?
Oh.Well then I better get back on my meds once I'm done with this list then.
8. Lamia Loveless - Super Robot Wars
Hah! Loveless. I see what you did there makers of Super Robot Wars.
Get it? I mean, she's an android - so emotions would be foreign to her!
So anyways, Lamia here is your standard humanoid robot sent to spy on you, and who (of course) eventually learns the value of organic life and decides not to betray the good guys because they're awesome. You know, the standard Cylon drill really (at least for Asian robots).
Or maybe she's closer to a female Data from Star Trek: TNG? After all she learns of human ways and decides to follow her "heart" whatever that actually is. To become more human. It's really a trope that's been done to death, and there's little that's actually notable about her.
Except that both she and her giant mechanized fighting battlesuit have gigantic breasts:
Seriously. Her nickname ends up being "Boing-chan".
Subtlety strikes again Super Robot Wars devs!
Of course, this is why she's on this list. You might want to start accusing me of objectifying women (if you haven't already), but let me pose this question to you: Am I really objectifying them if they're are actually objects? Isn't that what a robot is? An Object? Isn't that, you know, OK?
So really neither I nor the makers of Super Robot Wars should be accused of sexism. Obviously.Besides I'm sure mech-t**s have SOME sort of functional purpose. Right? I mean maybe . . . they distract the other pilots?
7. Emeralda Kasim - Xenogears
OK, so Esmeralda here isn't exactly super hot by anime chick standards. I mean, she doesn't have the overabundant assets of Mei Fang or Lamia above her, and compared to most ladies in videogames, she's actually quite reasonably dressed.
(of course this statement doesn't really speak too highly of women in games, but I digress)
See? There's just some midriff, and a little bit of thigh. Pretty scandalous . . . if this was 1955.
So why is Emeralda here?
Well, filler mostly, but aside from that -she's a female T-1000!
That's right, Emeralda is actually a networked nanite cloud taking the form of a full grown woman. Sure, she chooses to look like a green-haired babe most of the time, but occasionally she turns her hands into knives, her hair into a scythe, legs into drills and just and go on a buck wild in her "Kill All Humans" moments.
Not that she would, seeing as she's pretty benevolent nanite colony created in the protagonist's previous life to aid humanity before he was reincarnated. Oh yeah, did I mention that Xenogears has sort of a weird story? Well it does.
But it's that shapeshifting ability, more than anything else, that gets her on the list. I mean, you might not like her green-hair/deep tan combo, but it doesn't have to be that way! She can be buxom, or skinny, or a red head, or well . . . anything! At the very least, she'd be "flexible". If you get my drift.
Which if my man Garrus has taught me anything, is a good thing.