List of crazy Bible verses to shoot back at your Fundamentalist neighbors, ranked by how insane they are, especially in the context of modern life. Just because a verse is not a Commandment doesn't mean it's not in The Bible. Fundamentalists hold the most extreme and literal interpretations of The Bible, and many are quick to point you to a Bible passage for proof that the deeds of others are "evil." Want reason to think that homosexuality is abominable and condemns you to Hell? Check The Bible. Want to think molesting children is fine? The Bible says that's no problem - as long as you say some words quietly into your hands. Conveniently, Fundies ignore some of the most straightforward rules for no reason other than that they just don't fit in with the type of society they want. So, here are those forgotten Christian rules that need to be followed if they're really going to stick to their guns on the whole gay marriage, abortion, and child molestation thing.
DISCLAIMER: This list isn't meant as a hateful gesture towards Christians, but a way to fight irrational responses in debates with (fun) facts.Check out Ranker's other lists, like Companies with Bad Customer Service, the richest black people in America, and this list of Republican Actors.
Non-Virgins Are To Be Stoned (As in, with Rocks)
"But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you." (Deuteronomy 22: 20-21)
The "father's house" in Paris Hilton's case would be any Hilton hotel, so we know that if fundamentalists were really taking everything the way "God" intended, then it should be a well-known and widespread Christian agenda to call for the public stoning of Paris Hilton.
Also, there are edge-cases where if a little girl has an accident or is injured during sports, The Bible says they should be stoned to death.
It's pretty well known that it's entirely possible (and not at all irregular) for a young woman's hymen to be accidentally broken due to accidents or even playing certain sports like gymnastics.
This also means that in order to enforce a rule like this, we'd need to have regular "Hymen Checks" at churches, but we don't, because we're human beings and we're trying to live in a little thing called "society."So then why let this one slide and not things like gay marriage?
No Bastards May Enter the Church
"A bitched shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the Lord." (Deuteronomy 23:2)
A bitched is someone who was born outside of wedlock, which means you were born before your parents were married. Being born out of wedlock makes you filthy, apparently; so filthy in fact that it takes ten genetic steps down the line to wash how filthy it makes you.
So your family's 100% awesome to come to church in like a century or two if you're a bitched, which I guess is fair.
Wait, but what if your dad abandoned you and your mom after she had given birth to you... that means you're going to be held responsible and deprived of God's love... which...
Wow, this means that Christian orphanages are hypocritical institutions if they're taking these kids to church. Brutal.How to Use:
After bringing up the point about orphanages, it's time to take a survey of the church just to make sure there aren't evil, lurking, dirty bitcheds in there ruining the holy juice for everyone.
Love Thy Neighbor. Seriously.
"Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart: thou shalt in any wise rebuke [reason with] thy neighbour, and not suffer sin upon him. Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the Lord." (Leviticus 19: 17-18)
This pretty much means that every single Westboro Baptist Church protest is inherently Un-Christian.
The Westboro Baptist Church, based in Topeka, Kansas has clearly forgotten this guideline, which is much more explicit than anti-homosexual Biblical references. The church is famous for being a hate group that protests at homosexuals' funerals and has nothing but contempt for any other religion besides its own. The church is using technology to hate on homosexuals through their website, godhatesf*gs.com and has a travel budget of over $200,000 to picket and disrupt funerals all over the country.
They protest military funerals (protest in their context actually means "harass") and make one of the worst days of these people's lives even worse. This is what they do as a primary form of "activism."
The scariest part is that these people actually procreate. They have kids holding up hateful signs and they teach their children the opposite of Christian values.
They have effectively made hate speech accepted and legal by slapping the word "church" on their group, which is probably the smartest thing they've ever done.
But if The Lord says love they neighbor, then what book are they reading?How to Use:
Simply bring up the fact that all hate speech is inherently Un-Christian.
You won't believe what horrible thing this church has done to one of its members.
Men With Wounded or Missing Male Parts Are Not Allowed in Church
"He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord."(Deuteronomy 23:1)
First of all, yes, the King James Bible actually calls them "stones." You are now aware of the fact that the "stones" euphemism is a Biblical reference.
Also, God hates people with testicular cancer, apparently.
If it wasn't already bad enough that these poor dudes have wounded stones and members, it turns out that if they choose to practice proper Christianity they can never go to church again? That's balls.
So the context of this passage is actually that people should be without blemish and should generally be "perfect" so that they can procreate well and contribute to the Lord's congregation by being fruitful and multiplying, so it makes sense that having a working pair of stones is necessary... it's just pretty brutal if you have no control over losing your "stones."
How to Use:
Either way, if someone ever tries to debate that "we are all God's children" kindly remind them that if you're in any way missing your goods, you're pretty much screwed. If you have testicular cancer, according to The Bible, you really shouldn't bother praying for yourself.