Boo - Super Mario Games
For a ghost that is (as a great man once said) at least 1000 burning degrees (much like a lot of the enemies in Mario most likely are, since it hurts so much when you touch them), he is sure a timid, timid ghost. And it's not like he's misunderstood, either. He's the kind of ghost who definitely, without a shadow of a doubt, wants to kill you.
In case you've never played a Mario game in your life, here's Boo's M.O:
- When you enter a castle, he will be there, waiting, not moving until your back is to him, in which case he will attack.
- Once you turn around to face him, not only does he stop coming towards you, but he hides his face. He HIDES HIS FACE. If we were making a list of the worst video game defense mechanisms, Boo would be at the top.
One of the most well-known and long-serving bosses/monsters, this ghost from the Mario games feels about you, his enemy, the same way most Scout leaders will tell you that bears do. He's more scared of you than you are of him.
Just to show you what kind of respect Mario has for these cowardly, horribly non-threatening monsters, please click here and scroll to the OH so NSFW (or the under-aged... I think) page 5.
Check out the video to the left to see exactly how fearsome Boo ISN'T, and how easy it is to bypass what is probably the most absolutely non-threatening monster in video game history.Also, what kind of monster plays tennis?... Well? ( Click here for Boo playing tennis .)
A Single Zombie - Any Zombie Game
A Zombie - Not zombies, but a single, solitary zombie. Remember that "holy s**t" moment we all had when we saw that first zombie in that first Resident Evil game? That first realistic zombie? Killing that thing seemed damned near impossible, surely you were dead and that would be it. And in that game, whenever you had more than 3 zombies, you were scared s**tless and had to occasionally run away completely.
With the new Dead Rising 2 where you can set flower pots on top of their heads or even kill (or at least maim) them with coffee pots and in Left4Dead where true zombies are only fearsome in packs of 20 or more; the singular zombie has really lost its pizazz as a veritable creature of the night. Now it's more of a hood ornament.
This list of all of the weapons in the new Dead Rising 2 is a prime example of how something we used to fear and run away from, we now just find cool ways to kill. Has the zombie really bored us this much?
Here's a still-shot from Dead Rising: Case 0, which shows our protagonist taking the time to find a nearby roulette table and smashing a zombie over the head with it.This may be one of the huge problems with zombies in (most) zombie games. Although they will EVENTUALLY get to you, if you're focusing on one that is more than 10 feet away from the rest, they will either be really slow or kind of stand there for a short while, a-la the weirdly organized and turn-taking henchman from old Bruce Lee movies.
Murlocs - World of Warcraft
One of the most ancient races of creature in World of Warcraft, the Murlocs are basically, for the uninitiated, like the Bison in Oregon Trail. You can always just go in and kill more to rack up some points and nobody gives two poops about it at all.
When you're looking to level up and just need to rack up some experience, Murloc-hunting is the thing to do.
They're actually kind of cute, but definitely a race of monster that is meant to be fearsome by design and has some threatening qualities to it. They look like this (click here) .
(Now that you know what they look like)When the Murloc race isn't adorning kids sweatpants and tie-dyed t-shirts-from-Mervyn's in the early 90s, they spend most of their time creating art for passers-by (no, really).
They are a highly-skilled warrior race of amphibious, shore-dwelling creatures who constantly get their asses handed to them by pretty much anyone willing to give them a second's thought.
Check out the video to the left for an actually-kind-of-funny jab at the fall-guys of the WoW universe in the form a PSA for Murlocs. Click the link below for the savethemurlocs foundation.www.savethemurlocs.org/
Grunts - Halo Games
Grunts are easily the most non-threatening prominent monster in the Halo Universe. There's so much that can be said for almost every single other race of alien creature that can't be said about Grunts.
First of all, Grunts are basically a slave race that was essentially lobotomized into being part of a religious-extremist movement to destroy everything. They used to be a great race of creatures before they were turned into tiny, suicide-bomber monsters.
These little monsters are capable of shooting you when you're down, taking advantage of your weak moments, throwing sticky grenades at or near you, taking down your shields, or even arming themselves with two grenades and then running at you as suicide-bombers.
This is a pretty formidable (and extremely prominent) member of the Halo Universe... that happens to talk like a late-80s truck driver on Helium.
THIS, despite all their history and abilities, is what makes them non-threatening. With headcrabs from Half-Life and Face-Huggers from Aliens (similarity?...hmmm...) we've all come to respect monsters/creatures that are small in stature.
But when a creature starts telling you off for shooting it, something about the mystery jus tkind of goes away. Here are some of the cheesiest and lamest lines you get from Grunts during ACTUAL gameplay (thanks to the Halo wiki):
"He flees! Thank the nipple"
"Has that ever happened when your lookin' for somethin' and then...okay ya think 'Ah there's no way that's not you. But that's you!' Ha-ha! I didn't even think...ya...Oh that's right I have to kill ya..." - When seeing the Master Chief.
Grunt 1:"I'll flush 'em out!" Grunt 2:"It's your funeral!"
"Shnamamamamamaaa!!!! Nanana naaaaaaa Naaaanaaannaaaanaaaaa" (Halo CE Jingle)- Kamakazi grunt
"The Demon! RUN AWAAAAY! Oh wait, it's the Arbiter."
"Can we go home now?
"Fear my blue balls!" - Kamikaze Grunt,
"I just wet my pants!...Wait, I'm not wearing pants..." When an explosive goes off nearby.To top it off, here's a Halo 3 Easter Egg which displays exactly the kind of banter you can expect from Grunts (in the video above.)