Total Nerd Weirdly Graphic Video Game Sex Scenes That Literally Came Out Of Nowhere  

Justin Andress
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When video games were in their infancy, the subject matter tended toward the G-rated (with, of course, the rare exception). You know, plumbers dodging barrels and such. As time moved forward, however, so did the medium. The stories got darker, the action got more violent, and sex started to pop up everywhere. And why shouldn’t it? Sex is awesome, video games are awesome, and sex scenes are a timeless part of storytelling across all media. So, sex in video games was only a matter of time.

Though video game sex scenes have improved in quality, they’re still super strange in pretty much any context. And, of course, game developers handle the writing, planning, and animating of these sex scenes with exactly the level of skill and sensitivity you might expect. You know, since they're video game developers. So while sex scenes in video games are awkward (and, frankly, not that sexy) the upshot is that they're are f*cking hilarious. These sex scenes are also at their funniest when they come out of nowhere.

Get it?


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WARNING: video above contains graphic content.

Anyone who’s played the Witcher series knows that the game’s main character, Geralt, is a total man-whore. Seriously, the guy will tap anything with legs and a heartbeat. As a result, the opportunity to talk your way into a lady’s complicated under-garments pop up at frequently and unexpectedly. One second you’re negotiating a reward, the next you’re climbing into the sack with a virtual stranger.

Far and away the weirdest sex scene in the series occurs during Wild Hunt. See, Geralt runs in to with his old flame Yennefer. Any guesses how the two former lovers decide to celebrate their reunion? By boning on a giant stuffed, pink unicorn of course. While the sex is perhaps predictable, the location really puts this one into what-the-actual-f*ck territory.  

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If there’s one thing that Duke Nukem Forever was not, it was subtle. The first-person shooter righteously earned mediocre reviews, as well as a serious bout of social criticism. Maybe that’s because the game is filled with moments like the Alien Hive Level, in which Duke Nukem runs across the Mary and Kate Holsom (who we previously met just after getting down with Duke).

This time around, the Holsom twins (see? not subtle) have been strapped into an alien impregnation machine and repeatedly, well, does what its name suggests. What’s more disturbing is that when Duke finds them, he greets them by saying, “Looks like you’re f*cked.” Seriously, Duke? Bruh, it's the 21st century. 

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Of the many scantily clad ladies that super-spy Michael Thornton encounters on his quest to save the world in Alpha Protocol, the German operative SIE is easily the most standout. She’s one tough cookie, which she adeptly proves after she mounts and rapes the hero while he’s bound to a laboratory table. Wait, what? Jesus, Obsidian Entertainment, who told you that was a thing people wanted to see?

At least you get a +1 reputation bonus with SIE as a result.

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Throughout Far Cry 3, Jason Brody puts his very soul to the hazard in order to forge himself into the ultimate killing machine in order to save his captured friends. Along the way, terrible things happen to his buddies (including one being held as a sex slave by some sociopath), but at the end of the day their fate is in Jason’s hands.

Far Cry 3 is one of those pick-your-own-adventure games where the player's choices affect the story. If you choose to kill your crew and get down with the blood-happy Rakyat warriors, for example, then your avatar gets to have sex with their comely leader, Citra.

This one is more about the aftermath than the sex, though. Like a Black Widow spider or praying mantis, Ctira doesn't have much use for post-coital men. Once players have given her their seed, she returns the favor by stabbing them in the chest and leaving them for dead. Just like Prom all over again. 

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