Hey "Nice Guys," Here Are All The Signs You're Not So "Nice" After All

The most obvious sign of a Nice Guy is someone who doesn't understand why they're not rewarded with sex for doing something "good." Be it holding a door open for someone or driving a friend home when they're too drunk to drive, Nice Guys are obsessed with what you owe them for not leaning into their worst fantasies. There's no cosmic force that tallies up your good deeds in order to dish out an appropriate amount of rewards, and if you're doing something specifically because you want to be rewarded, they aren't actually good deeds. A popular unattributed quote sums it all up nicely: "Women are not vending machines that you put kindness coins in until sex falls out."

Somewhere in your dating life, you came across The Game by Neil Strauss and felt like it held all the answers. Or maybe you saw Swingers and adopted Vince Vaughn's rule about waiting two days to call a woman. Whatever the case, Nice Guys treat relationships like they're an RPG – that if they spend enough time grinding XP, they'll become a true chick magnet. There's no strategy to dating aside from being yourself, learning from your mistakes, and hoping that you'll be present enough to realize in the moment when the right person has come along. 

It's really easy to give a compliment that has zero subtext. "Those are nice shoes." "Your hair looks great." "What a great apartment." People (not just women) love hearing those things and they don't make the person you're complimenting wonder what you meant by giving said compliment. The problem with Nice Guys' compliments is that they carry a subtext with them that says, "You could be better at this thing." For instance, saying that someone has nice hair even though it's frizzy is a Grade-A backhanded compliment, and it's something that Nice Guys do all the time. Cut it out, dummies. 

If you're a Nice Guy who actually managed to nab himself a girlfriend, then congratulations. Now stop smothering her! If someone wants to hang out with her friends or sit at home alone, she isn't devising a perfect plan to cheat on you. She's just decompressing. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you're supposed to spend every hour of your day obsessing about your significant other; it doesn't even mean that you're going to see your significant other every day. If your partner or the person you like is busy or just needs some space, then give her all the space she needs. They'll appreciate that you respected her feelings, and you might even get around to building that shelf you've been thinking about. 

A lot of Nice Guys come from a home where they were never told "no" by their parents. They haven't faced rejection in any real way, so when they're turned down by the object of their affection, they freak out and punch a wall. Learning how to handle rejection, or even just bad news, with aplomb is something that has to be learned over time. If you throw a tantrum or act out inappropriately when something doesn't go your way, then how do you expect to handle the curve balls that come with real life? Think about it, NGs.

When determining who's a nice guy and who's a Nice Guy, observe how they interact with their ex-girlfriends. If you bring up a Nice Guy's ex, he'll usually say something about how she's "crazy." This is a tell-tale sign of someone who's pretending to be nice to get what they want. Everyone has had a bad relationship, but most adults are friends with a few of their exes, or at the very least can talk about them in a civil manner. Staying friends after a breakup is a sign of maturity. If a guy can't even be civil with someone with whom he had a long-term relationship, you may want to rethink spending your own time with him.