Weird History 10 Hilarious Quotes From Warren G. Harding's Love Letters To His Mistresses  

Amanda Sedlak-Hevener
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Former President of the United States Warren G. Harding is perhaps better known for his sexual proclivities than his political gains. In fact, he is possibly one of the worst presidents of them all, thanks to the actions of his corrupt cabinet members. Yet the world hasn't been treated to some titillating Warren G. Harding turns of phrase, as he also tops the list of pervy presidents, thanks to the ribald sex letters he penned. Ladies and gentlemen, his name was Warren G, and he regulated that ass

Not only was Harding married while in office, he had several mistresses and fathered a child with one of them. He spent more time writing weird sex poetry and sending lurid letters to primary mistress Carrie Phillips than he did governing our. But hell, once you read bits of this scintillatingly sexy Warren G. Harding correspondence, you'll be all like "DGAF about politics, let me get sopping wet and climb Mount Jerry. The rose garden is open for business."  

Thankfully, for the kind people of the world, Warren G. Harding's erotic letters - or, those that survived being burned by his wife - have been published. Spend some time perusing his hilarious, sexy turns of phrase. 

He Named His Member 'Mount Jerry' And Invited Lovers To Visit

He Named His Member 'Mount... is listed (or ranked) 1 on the list 10 Hilarious Quotes From Warren G. Harding's Love Letters To His Mistresses
Photo: Moffett, Chicago/Public Domain/Wikimedia Commons

Many of Warren G. Harding's surviving love letters were written to mistress Carrie Phillips, the wife of a friend. Not much of this correspondence survived, because his wife, Florence, burned many of his letters immediately after his death.

Harding and Phillips connected prior to his presidency, when Florence was dealing with kidney disease and Phillips's husband, James, was in a sanitarium suffering the aftereffects of the death of their son. In letters from Harding to Phillips that surfaced in 1964, Harding referred to his penis as "Jerry."

One such letter read, "Wish I could take you to Mount Jerry. Wonderful spot. Not in the geographies, but a heavenly place, and I have seen some passing views there and reveled in them." 

He Wrote Rhapsodic Prose About His Raging Hard-On

He Wrote Rhapsodic Prose About... is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list 10 Hilarious Quotes From Warren G. Harding's Love Letters To His Mistresses
Photo: National Photo Company/Public Domain

A 1913 letter from Warren G. Harding to Carrie Phillips includes details about Harding's penis, Jerry, who showed up and refused to go away. What a pesky little fellow. Like an over-burdened cow, surely he just needed to be milked.  

"Oh, Carrie mine! You can see I have yielded and written myself into wild desire. I could beg. And Jerry came and will not go, says he loves you, that you are the only, only love worthwhile in all this world, and I must tell you so and a score or more of other fond things he suggests, but I spare you. You must not be annoyed. He is so utterly devoted that he only exists to give you all. I fear you would find a fierce enthusiast today."

Good lord, Harding. Do the world a favor and polish the brass before catching up on your correspondence. Still, a great scene for the biopic - silver fox POTUS stuck at his writing desk because Jerry is at full mast. 

Harding also claimed Carrie Phillips was Jerry's only true love:

“Jerry came and will not go, says he loves you, that you are the only, only love worthwhile in all this world, and I must tell you so and a score or more of other fond things he suggests, but I spare you. You must not be annoyed. He is so utterly devoted that he only exists to give you all.”

Despite this declarations of penis love, Harding slept with many other women, including one who fathered a child with him - Nan Britton. Jerry was a bit like a merchant marine - many ports of call, but only one place he truly called home. 

He Wrote A Poem Containing The Declaration 'I Love To Suck'

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Photo: Harris & Ewing/Public Domain

In 1912, Warren G. Harding was so inspired by Carrie Phillips he wrote her a poem in which he boldly proclaimed "I love to suck." He also made creative use of line breaks:

“I love to suck
Your breath away
I love to cling —
There long to stay . . .

I love you garb’d
But naked more
Love your beauty
To thus adore . . .”

There really isn't any other way of interpreting that prose!

He Liked To Get His Green Thumb In A Lady's Rose Garden

He Liked To Get His Green Thum... is listed (or ranked) 4 on the list 10 Hilarious Quotes From Warren G. Harding's Love Letters To His Mistresses
Photo: Photographer Unknown/Public Domain

Say what you will about Warren G. Harding, but don't ever dispute that he was one seriously naughty daddy. How's this for filthy poetry? 

I love your poise

Of perfect thighs

When they hold me

in paradise. . .

Do go on, Mr. President. 

I love the rose

Your garden grows

Love seashell pink

That over it glows

Feastin' and beastin'. You dirty minx, Warren.