When your first baby arrives, it's a time of miracles: Their first smile, the first time they recognize you, their first step, their first word.
But these miracles suddenly give way to terror around year two - and so do your children. The joy of hearing your baby say "Daddy" quickly leads to the first round of punches to the crotch. Or the first time poop is used as a shot-put. Or the first time your "baby-making activities" are interrupted by the former-angel-turned-devil that now runs (or maybe ruins) your life.
These are true stories documenting experiences endured by the friends and family of the author, who entered into the life of parenthood with no chance of escape. Sadly, there's no class out there that prepares you for the non-miraculous parts of life with kids. If there were, there'd be a whole lot less sex in this country.
To quote Fargo,
"At the request of the survivors, the names have been changed. Out of respect for the tormented, the rest has been told exactly as it occurred."
Murray once took his two-year-old daughter on a trip to BevMo! (don't judge). While waiting in line, the little girl strikes the downward-dog yoga position and screams out "FOCK" while twerking away.
"FOCK. FOCK. FOCK."
People in the store looked on in pure horror as sweat began to build on Murray's brow while he desperately tried to make sense of the situation.
After what felt like an eternity of pure hell - and multiple customers ready to call in Amber Alerts - Murray asked his daughter, "Are you pretending to be a FROG?" The girl nodded, "Yes, FOCK. FOCK. WIBBIT."
No Amber Alerts reported. Crisis averted. Speech therapy session number one already scheduled.
I'm Burning For You: An Epic Tale Of Fire And Pain
Little Kevin once went camping with his family in the woods and decided it'd be a great idea to climb the steep hill above the family's campsite, and wound up taking a nap instead of fulfilling his task of gathering wood. Meanwhile, Dad dutifully got a roaring fire going.
Dad: "KEVIN!?? Where are you? Where's the wood?!!"
Suddenly woken from his slumber, Kevin quickly grabbed the first massive log he saw and hurled it through the air. It tomahawked end over end, picking up momentum as it flew, and came rocketing down... only to strike Dad across the back of the neck.
Dad was knocked face-first into the flames - his straw hat instantly ignited, his polyester shirt melted to his torso, and one eyebrow and half of his hair went up in smoke. Mom quickly put out the fire, and Little Kevin was sure his Dad would kill him... but fortune shone down upon the young boy that day. Dad had also dislodged one of his vertebrae and couldn't move far enough to reach Kevin.
(Ed. Note - Dad is mostly okay now. Mostly.)
How Much Longer Will You Be My Dad?
Five-year-old: "How old were you when your Dad died?"
Dad: "Young - I was only 16."
Five-year-old: (thinking) "Do I have to wait that long?"
Is That All I Get?
Boys are often fascinated by their father's private parts. But not Tom's six-year-old, who once looked at his father's unit only to lament: "Is that all I'll get?"
(Ed. Note: Tom's wife has apparently had similar concerns).