When your first baby arrives, it's a time of miracles: Their first smile, the first time they recognize you, their first step, their first word.
But these miracles suddenly give way to terror around year two - and so do your children. The joy of hearing your baby say "Daddy" quickly leads to the first round of punches to the crotch. Or the first time poop is used as a shot-put. Or the first time your "baby-making activities" are interrupted by the former-angel-turned-devil that now runs (or maybe ruins) your life.
These are true stories documenting experiences endured by the friends and family of the author, who entered into the life of parenthood with no chance of escape. Sadly, there's no class out there that prepares you for the non-miraculous parts of life with kids. If there were, there'd be a whole lot less sex in this country.
To quote Fargo,
"At the request of the survivors, the names have been changed. Out of respect for the tormented, the rest has been told exactly as it occurred."
Murray once took his two-year-old daughter on a trip to BevMo! (don't judge). While waiting in line, the little girl strikes the downward-dog yoga position and screams out "FOCK" while twerking away.
"FOCK. FOCK. FOCK."
People in the store looked on in pure horror as sweat began to build on Murray's brow while he desperately tried to make sense of the situation.
After what felt like an eternity of pure hell - and multiple customers ready to call in Amber Alerts - Murray asked his daughter, "Are you pretending to be a FROG?" The girl nodded, "Yes, FOCK. FOCK. WIBBIT."
No Amber Alerts reported. Crisis averted. Speech therapy session number one already scheduled.
How Much Longer Will You Be My Dad?
Five-year-old: "How old were you when your Dad died?"
Dad: "Young - I was only 16."
Five-year-old: (thinking) "Do I have to wait that long?"
Five-year-old Billy: "Dad, if we dress up as Inside Out, you can be Bing-Bong. Cause you're like a circle."
Dad: "What do you mean I'm a circle?"
Billy (Crying): "You're a circle because you TOLD ME NOT TO CALL YOU FAT."
Et Tu, Siri?
A middle-aged father was once in a meeting at work and asked his iPhone an innocuous question. And thanks to his budding Bill Gates of a son, Siri had been programmed to respond with: "Let me look that up, CHUBBY."