The Weirdest Animal Penises of All Time

Voting Rules
Vote up the most unusual animal penis.

The strangest penises on earth are located within the confines of this marvelous list. Peruse the penises of animals from all walks of life to see how unique their units are. You will not believe the shapes and sizes you will read about and the uses you will learn about. As if sex on "Animal Planet" wasn't crazy enough, these animal penises are the craziest and most cartoonish packages that a female counterpart could ever ask (or not ask) for.

Dolphin penis might sound like the name of a dinner in a foreign country, but they are in fact insanely retractable monsters that grope fellow dolphins (and the occasional sea diver) left and right. If that's too normal, then perhaps a tortoise penis will be amusing enough. These tubes are in the shape of a cylinder that, as a female tortoise seduces him, will result in a puffed up package that is twice its original size. And maybe you should check out your pet at home, since "red rocket" dog and "genitally-barbed" cat penises are some of the most unusual peckers out there.

  • 1
    3,493 VOTES


    Echidnas are spiny anteaters with four-headed penises. You read that correctly; when an echidna is having disgusting sex with a lady, two of its heads do nothing while the other two shoot a double-whammy of semen.

    3,493 votes
  • 2
    2,756 VOTES


    Corkscrew penises don't just belong on things that oink, but also apparently appear on things that quack. Though not all fouls have penises, those that do, like the Argentine lake duck, make it count. Duck junk is, at its "normal" (hardly) state, stored inside their bodies until it gets an erection that is insanely quick and ejaculation that is even quicker. This duck's penis is also almost 17 inches long, even though the bird itself is usually only 16 inches tall.

    2,756 votes
  • 3
    2,608 VOTES


    Cats are some of our most domesticated animals and yet they have some of the craziest penises on the planet. Just like their spiky tongues, cats have penises that are barbed with dozens of spines that point backwards.

    2,608 votes
  • 4
    4,039 VOTES


    Dolphin dongs are out of this world and frankly deserve to stay underwater. Dolphins have penises that are so terrifyingly long and retractable that they are constantly wrapping them around females (and males) to have relations. The dolphin penis can also swivel, and can operate like a human hand, to feel out objects.

    4,039 votes
  • 5
    2,789 VOTES


    Despite Ron Burgundy's false claim that San Francisco translates to "a whale's vagina," San Francisco might be the size of a whale's penis. This freakishly big whale wiener, especially a blue whale, is prehensile at the tip and can beat out the elephant in penis size. They can grow several feet long - the biggest is the blue whale penis at freaking 10 feet long!

    2,789 votes
  • 6
    2,987 VOTES


    Humans seem to raise the animals with the strangest freaking penises. Dog members are so unbelievably weird.

    Exhibit A: the "Copulatory Tie" - they've garnered nicknames like "witch fingers," which is extremely accurate, and of course "red rockets" with "lipstick."

    2,987 votes