Country clubs. Most of us will never see the inside of one because we’re on the far end of the slobs vs. snobs paradigm that formed the basis of so many '80s movies. But if you ever do get inside one of these hallowed halls of the wealthy, you better mind your Ps and Qs because there are some weird rules at country clubs. Aside from standard stuffy nerdlinger rules like tucking in your polo and playing golf at an acceptable pace, country club rules cover everything from how many bounces you can take on a diving board to where you’re supposed to eat depending on your gender.
Country clubs and their stuffy rules come from a more civilized/sexist/racist time when the upper echelon of society liked to be told where they could speak on a tennis court. And if we’re being honest, despite how terrible some of these rules are, a few of them sound kind of fun.
Could someone please explain how country clubs work? You pay an insane amount of money to hang out with other rich people and be told what to do, and you also pay for food and drinks. Isn’t the point of being insanely rich getting to do whatever you want to do? Who wants to pay money to adhere to a bunch of weird country club rules when you could be crashing Lambos in the streets of Calabasas? Keep reading to find out what life is like on the inside of some of America’s most exclusive country clubs.
You Can't Use Employees for Your Personal Errands
If you've got a 3 pm tee time but you need to pick up groceries for the week, it makes total sense to have your caddie run off and take care of your errands for you. Except, you know, people that work in the service industry aren't slaves. The sad thing about this rule is that someone had to explicitly say it.
Bring Your Leather Dice Mat
Who are these people that don't bring their leather dice mats with them wherever they go, and why are we letting them into our prestigious country clubs?
Shorts Must Have a Minimum Inseam of 7½"
Is the Bend in the River Country Club situated on a middle school campus? And more to the point, is someone walking around the club with a tape measure checking out the inseams of everyone wearing shorts? What a terrible life that person must lead.
No Baseline to Baseline Conversation When Playing Tennis
There's nothing we like more than a nice silent game of tennis. Don't you just love it when you're out in your tennis whites and all you can hear is the thud of a ball against the court? And isn't it the worst when someone asks you about your day in the middle of your serve? Blech!