Weird People Describe The Weirdest Thing They've Done When Horny  

Jacob Shelton
334.8k views 17 items

Anyone who lived through their teens has been driven to madness by libido. Sorry to gross you out, kids, but once you get into your 30s the strange side effects of extreme horniness don’t end. Life is one long horny nightmare, but how you handle the nightmare is important. Some people try their best to tamp down the urges until they explode in a fountain of sex-rage at anyone who comes near them, and then there are the heroes and libidinous fiends who carry out their weird horny deeds whenever the mood feels right. No matter how weird you think you are for masturbating at your friend’s 13th birthday party or getting turned on by a papaya, the folks on this list make you look like a vision of purity.

The pervs in the stories on this list are rock-hard, weird, moist, and bizarre; they’re sentinels of scintillating solo acts and you can learn something from their ingenuity. For the creeps and weirdoes on this list, when the pressure in their pants builds up they don’t think about playing baseball, they find an entire baseball team, have them play a pick up game, and masturbate during the 7th inning stretch. Being terminally turned on can be a drag for some people, but if you stop caring about what squares think about you and keep plenty of bags of warm spaghetti around you just might make it out of this world with a smile on your face. 

When You're Over Six Foot It's Technically Called "Finger Colliding"


On a public walkway in front of the beach at around 10 pm, I fingered a girl while she had her super long legs spread wide (she was like 6'2" in flats, I'm 5'10"). She moaned like hell as another couple came around the corner and stood for five seconds watching before we realized.

That's Actually How They Make Cool Ranch Doritos


In high school, my girlfriend and I had sex a few times tops.

One day, I go to drop her off at her house and park in the driveway. We make out vigorously until she eventually has to go inside as to not draw suspicion. Right before getting out of my car, she goes "If I could I would f*ck the sh*t out of you right now." She proceeds to walk into her house and leave 17-year-old me with downstairs rigor strong enough to split a diamond down the middle.

So I drive home fully erect and do the rational thing: I pull into my own driveway around midnight with both my parents asleep, and jizz into a leftover cool ranch Doritos bag that happens to be in my backseat. My entire life has been on a downhill ever since that point.

They Call This An Orange Julius


I hollowed out and f*cked an orange once. Citrus in your peehole is the opposite of gleeful.

Finally, Proof That Theater Kids Were Getting Laid


I f*cked my boyfriend during the intermission of a play he was in. I had initially come to see him to grab my keys I had left at home that morning but I had been horny the whole day. He was wearing a ridiculous costume from the early 19th century but I really didn't care, I just wanted to ride his dick.

I don't think I've ever had a quicker orgasm, to be honest.