Weird Nature

The Weirdest Sea Animal Penises of All Time  

Jacob Shelton
5.2k votes 3k voters 359.8k views 15 items

List Rules Vote up the weirdest penises under the sea.

Sea animal penises. You’ll see a lot of underwater sex organs on this list. If that’s not something you’re into, consider yourself forwarned (though why you wouldn't be into ocean beast beef bazookas is a mystery). If you’re still here, you’re probably a perv, and ready to take a plunge into the deep blue sea, to discover glorious aquatic penises that want to take a plunge into you. No? Too far?  

Some weird sea creature penises you’re about to feast (your eyes) on have more in common with weapons than your average Johnson. Others barely resemble Wormy McJuicemaker in the least. One of these love weasels protrudes from the chin of the poor animal carrying it. Now put on a wet suit and get your harpoon ready, because it's nearly time to perv out over underwater animal penises.  

Moving forward, bear in mind that every species has a different means of procreation, which is reflected in the genitals. It's not always a get-it-up, get-it-in, get-it-off game. Some animals need two pelvis rockets to get the job done. In other instances, the male needs a six-foot-long cream cannon (!!!). Whatever the case, you’re going to be seeing some of the weirdest under water penises, ones that serve two purposes: looking hilarious and making more sea babies.

Fair warning, you might want sushi for dinner after devouring this list of fishy rolls. Read on, and don't for get to vote on the weirdest sea creature penises.
Platypus is listed (or ranked) 1 on the list The Weirdest Sea Animal Penises of All Time
Photo: Stefan Craft/Wikimedia/Creative Commons
When the platypus evolved from being a teddy bear with a surfboard on its face to a real life animal, it received a weird penis to fit the rest of its body. The platypus penis has two heads, making it easier to target egg producing ovaries and overrun the world with cute, doubled-donged, egg-laying monsters. 
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Turtles is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list The Weirdest Sea Animal Penises of All Time
Photo: Doonie/YouTube

Turtle penises are almost damaging to behold; be wary lest they destroy your soul. There's something upsetting about a sweet little turtle with a bendy black slug of a hot tamale sticking out of its shell.

Turtle wieners are similar to those of mammals, but while a "mammal penis only has one layer of long-axis fibers, and one layer of perpendicular fibers, the walls of the turtle penis have multiple layers of these fibers." It kinda looks like a crazy-long black tongue.

Want more info? Check out this article, although be forewarned, it may contain images not suitable for minors.

More Turtles

#11 of 18 on 20 Animals That Are Sometimes Born with Two Heads #20 of 21 on The Meanings Behind Animal Symbol Tattoos

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Deep Sea Squid
Deep Sea Squid is listed (or ranked) 3 on the list The Weirdest Sea Animal Penises of All Time
Photo: Alexander Arkhipkin/Wikimedia/Creative Commons

A mysterious classification of ocean beast, the deep sea squid has a penis as long as its body and tentacles put together - a concept that's kind of hard to wrap your head (or extremely long penis tentacle) around. A scientist explained his shock to the BBC when he caught such a squid:

"We took the animal from the catch, and it was very weak with arms and tentacles still moving. When the mantle of the squid was opened for maturity assessment, we witnessed an unusual event. The penis of the squid, which had extended only slightly over the mantle margin, suddenly started to erect, and elongated quickly to 67cm total length, almost the same length as the whole animal." 
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Ranker Video
Video: YouTube

If you've ever seen a dolphin have sex, or masturbate with a decapitated fish (see video. No, seriously), well, it's not something you'll easily forget. The fascinating thing about dolphin tadgers is, they're prehensile, which means they can be used to grab things. You know those robot claws you might use to grab a box of pasta from a high shelf? Well, dolphins don't need them. They can use their trouser trumpets instead.

Just FYI, most people are grossed out by these prehensile javelins. Here's a licensed dolphin observer's description of a dolphin penis: "...what can only be described as a cross between a pink cigar and the baby creature from Alien emerged from [a dolphin's] pelvis." No thanks. 
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