Norse mythology isn't nearly as bright and cheery as it's shown in the recent Marvel movies. Sure, most people have at least heard of Ragnarok, the great end of all things, and people know that it involves fire and a lot of death. But there are many more Norse myths that are often disturbing, disgusting, and sometimes downright funny. And yes, before you ask, Loki is involved in most of them.
You see, the gods in ancient Norse myths had one thing in common with the Greek gods: they were fallible and totally capable of messing things up. They drank too much, they slept around, they messed with mortals just for fun, they ended up getting a lot of people killed... ok, so they had a lot in common with the Greek gods.So, prepare yourself for strange monsters, weird punishments, a world made of body parts, and trickery the likes of which you've never seen. Get excited, because it's about to get weird, Norse-style.
Loki Becomes a Mare, Because He Really Likes Horses
Let's just put it out there right now that, as far as sleeping around goes, Loki gives Zeus a run for his money. Case in point: Loki really liked the stallion, Svadilfari, of a mason worker who was building a great wall for the gods. This mason worker was also a giant, who the gods wanted to go away, so Loki offered to help by "distracting" the giant's horse. In order to get close to this stallion, Loki changed himself into a mare and then ran off into the woods with him to mate. Because, as we said, he really really liked this horse, so it seemed like the thing to do.Mare Loki became pregnant by the stallion, and then gave birth to an eight-legged steed named Slepnir. This monster-horse then became Odin's steed, who you might have seen for a moment in the movie Thor, when Odin comes to rescue his dumb son from the Ice Giants. We'll talk about more of Loki's abomination children later.
The Gods Make a Giantess Laugh So She Doesn't Kill Them All
Occasionally, Loki did prove himself to be useful for something. In one case, the gods were approached by a giantess, Skadi, whose father they'd slain, demanding vengeance. After some seriously amazing negotiating, the gods managed to convince her to take some reparations instead. The first was a husband of her choosing (though she had to choose him only by his feet); the second was memorializing her father's eyes in the stars; and the third was giving her one good, honest-to-god laugh.This last one proved to be the most difficult. They tried and tried, but none were able to make her laugh, so at last they turned to Loki who basically said "Chill, guys, I've got this." What he did then baffles the mind. He brought in a goat and tied one end of a rope to it. Then he tied the other end of the rope to his own testicles and proceeded to have a tug of war with the goat in this way. Both goat and god screamed in pain, and finally Loki collapsed. Only then did the giantess finally laugh. So, while Loki is pretty good at getting a laugh, one must wonder: at what cost?
Thor is a Blushing Bride, and Loki is His Bridesmaid
For anyone who thinks cross-dressing is a new phenomenon, think again. It once happened that a giant by the name of Thrym stole Thor's hammer and refused to give it back. He would only return the hammer under one condition: that he be allowed to marry Freyja. Of course, no one was going to let that happen, especially Thor, so he decided to impersonate Freyja and go to marry the giant in her place. Loki loved this idea, and transformed himself into a handmaid in order to go watch all this happening.
Somehow, the giants bought the disguise, and the two managed to get Thor to the wedding feast. Through the whole feast, Thor was pretty obviously manly, especially in appetite, and the giants seemed to suspect something. Loki continually made excuses, all with underlying jokes about Thor's actual sex. The moment Thor could get his hands on his hammer, he not only left the giant at the altar, he killed his would-be husband and all the guests in attendance. Probably to the great amusement of Loki.
Signy Has a Lot of Family Love - and Not in a Good Way
Norse mythos doesn't tend to look favorably on incest, but that doesn't stop the gods from indulging in it a whole lot. One particular goddess, Signy, was certainly guilty of this faux pas. She was due to marry Siggeir, whom she really didn't like at all because he was puny and annoying. Siggeir only continued to be a terrible husband, as he killed her father and all of her siblings except for one. That one was named Sigmund, and together he and Signy plotted to kill her husband.Signy's current two sons proved to be completely incompetent in killing Siggeir, so she figured she needed to get better, more family-friendly help. To do this, she slept with her brother Sigmund for three nights to create a stronger warrior, and to continue the family bloodline. This son seemed to know what he was doing and eventually killed Siggeir and all of his offspring. This son's name was Sinfiotli, because apparently these folks really liked names that start with "Si."