Norse mythology isn't nearly as bright and cheery as it's shown in the recent Marvel movies. Sure, most people have at least heard of Ragnarok, the great end of all things, and people know that it involves fire and a lot of death. But there are many more Norse myths that are often disturbing, disgusting, and sometimes downright funny. And yes, before you ask, Loki is involved in most of them.
You see, the gods in ancient Norse myths had one thing in common with the Greek gods: they were fallible and totally capable of messing things up. They drank too much, they slept around, they messed with mortals just for fun, they ended up getting a lot of people killed... ok, so they had a lot in common with the Greek gods.So, prepare yourself for strange monsters, weird punishments, a world made of body parts, and trickery the likes of which you've never seen. Get excited, because it's about to get weird, Norse-style.
Occasionally, Loki did prove himself to be useful for something. In one case, the gods were approached by a giantess, Skadi, whose father they'd slain, demanding vengeance. After some seriously amazing negotiating, the gods managed to convince her to take some reparations instead.
The first was a husband of her choosing (though she had to choose him only by his feet); the second was memorializing her father's eyes in the stars; and the third was giving her one good, honest-to-god laugh.
This last one proved to be the most difficult. They tried and tried, but none were able to make her laugh, so at last they turned to Loki who basically said "Chill, guys, I've got this." What he did then baffles the mind. He brought in a goat and tied one end of a rope to it. Then he tied the other end of the rope to his own testicles and proceeded to have a tug of war with the goat in this way.
Both goat and god screamed in pain, and finally Loki collapsed. Only then did the giantess finally laugh. So, while Loki is pretty good at getting a laugh, one must wonder: at what cost?
Let's just put it out there right now that, as far as sleeping around goes, Loki gives Zeus a run for his money. Case in point: Loki really liked the stallion, Svadilfari, of a mason worker who was building a great wall for the gods. This mason worker was also a giant, who the gods wanted to go away, so Loki offered to help by "distracting" the giant's horse.
In order to get close to this stallion, Loki changed himself into a mare and then ran off into the woods with him to mate. Because, as we said, he really really liked this horse, so it seemed like the thing to do.
Mare Loki became pregnant by the stallion, and then gave birth to an eight-legged steed named Slepnir. This monster-horse then became Odin's steed, who you might have seen for a moment in the movie Thor, when Odin comes to rescue his dumb son from the Ice Giants.
We'll talk about more of Loki's abomination children later.
Kvasir's birth alone is a pretty weird story. The gods had just won a war and wanted to celebrate, so they all chewed berries, spat them out, and fermented them to create an alcohol. Except, the fermented berries became a person instead, and that person was named Kvasir, which basically translates to "fermented berry juice."
Weirder still, this alcohol god was also the smartest god who ever existed. He liked imparting wisdom to whomever he met, and traveled extensively to do to. One day he came upon two dwarves with whom he tried to share his worldly knowledge.
Instead of listening, as they probably should have, the dwarves killed him and drained his blood. From that, they created a special mead that made the drinker quite poetic. In fact, this mead was supposedly the birth of all poetry. So at least he didn't die in vain.
Norse mythos doesn't tend to look favorably on incest, but that doesn't stop the gods from indulging in it a whole lot. One particular goddess, Signy, was certainly guilty of this faux pas. She was due to marry Siggeir, whom she really didn't like at all because he was puny and annoying. Siggeir only continued to be a terrible husband, as he killed her father and all of her siblings except for one. That one was named Sigmund, and together he and Signy plotted to kill her husband.
Signy's current two sons proved to be completely incompetent in killing Siggeir, so she figured she needed to get better, more family-friendly help. To do this, she slept with her brother Sigmund for three nights to create a stronger warrior, and to continue the family bloodline.
This son seemed to know what he was doing and eventually killed Siggeir and all of his offspring. This son's name was Sinfiotli, because apparently these folks really liked names that start with "Si."