It's opening night for Star Wars: Episode VII, The Force Awakens. You're standing in a long line that wraps around the block of the movie theater, surrounded by a bunch of other nerds in Darth Vader masks and Han Solo t-shirts. You're cautiously optimistic - after all, the prequels totally betrayed you, but Star Trek was awesome, so J.J. Abrams has given you hope.
BIG TIME SPOILERS FOLLOW:
When you exit the theater, you aren't quite sure what to feel. That moment when Poe and Finn steal a TIE fighter together? Epic. Chewie and Han re-claiming ownership of the Millennium Falcon side-by-side? Non-stop tears. When Rey proves once and for all that she doesn't need anybody's help defending the galaxy? So many feels. But what about the other parts? The parts that don't make sense. The parts that made you cry out in anger, throw your popcorn to the ground, scratch your head in confusion.
Even though you loved TFA, you're still a huge Star Wars snob, and expected nothing less than perfection from the latest film in the franchise. It was undeniably a great movie, but there are a few nit-picky things we noticed that simply didn't measure up to the hype. Maybe you were let down by Captain Phasma's anti-climactic character development, or you're not sure how you feel about Kylo Ren as the newest villain. Maybe you feel betrayed by the fact that Abrams killed off arguably the best character in the franchise, or maybe you're bummed out because Luke Skywalker didn't even speak a single line. No matter what your feelings are about TFA, we've got your back. Check out this list of what the haters are saying about Star Wars: The Force Awakens below, and be sure to let us know what you think in the comment section.
The Starkiller vs. Death Star Side-by-Side Comparison Felt Like a Penis Measuring Contest
At the Resistance Base, we see a side-by-side view of the Death Star, shrinking in comparison to the new, epic Starkiller. The Starkiller is so big, it could probably fit like, 100 Death Stars inside of it. While the Death Star devastated millions with the destruction of Alderaan, the Starkiller has enough power to destroy multiple planets at the touch of a button. Instead of building an entirely new weapon, J.J. Abrams simply took the old weapon and made it bigger, tougher, and more destructive. Although the Starkiller was arguably cool and intimidating, it kiiiiiiiind of felt like Abrams was having a dick measuring contest with George Lucas. The setup made it feel like an "anything you can do, I can do better" taunt.
Who the Hell Was That Old Guy?
Max Von Sydow's character was probably the most confusing. In the opening scene of TFA, we see Poe Dameron and BB-8 retrieve the missing piece of the map to find Luke Skywalker from an old man in a village. Stormtroopers are ordered to destroy the town, and Dameron instructs the old man to run and hide before he's captured by Kylo Ren.
We have some questions about this old man. Who is he? How does he know Princess Leia? Where did HE get the Skywalker map?Although we're sure that all will be revealed in the next movie, it was pretty weird to be introduced to this incredibly important character and then never see him again for the rest of the film with absolutely no explanation. According to a rumor on MakingStarWars, Sydow's character is Lor San Tekka, but even Wookieepedia doesn't have a listing on that character's full back story.
Where Was Luke When They Needed Him?
We get it: he's the last Jedi. If he doesn't hide out until the latest intergalactic war settles down, he'll be hunted down and killed by Kylo Ren and his Stormtrooper gang, and that would totally annihilate the last trained Jedi in space.But come on. The Starkiller just destroyed, like, four planets. His best friend/brother-in-law just got murdered. Poe Dameron has all these zingy one-liners and Luke is missing out on ALL of them. Where was he when the galaxy needed saving? Why didn't he come out of retirement to help save his friends? Is it really all that great at that yoga retreat on Azkaban where he apparently lives without so much as a microwave? What does he even DO there? Didn't he feel a great disturbance in the force when Han Solo fell into that bottomless Starkiller chasm? We have a lot of questions for Luke Skywalker, and the fact that he has no dialogue isn't really helping the cause.
Rey's Backstory Could Have Been Stronger
When Luke Skywalker was ripped away from his home planet of Tattooine in A New Hope, we felt so many feelings. He was forced out of the home he grew up in, and his aunt and uncle were burned alive moments before he discovered their charred bodies rotting outside of their hovel. Luke had literally JUST bitched at his uncle that morning about how he couldn't help him farm moisture because he selfishly wanted to go into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters. Can you imagine if that was one of the last things you said to your uncle, who was then brutally murdered by the Galactic Empire? Obi-Wan Kenobi took Luke under his wing, and helped him train to become a Jedi Knight.
Rey's backstory just doesn't feel as strong. We get one glimpse of her watching a spaceship fly away when she is young, but that's it. We know that her parents abandoned her on Jakku. We know that she's been forced to scavenge spare parts in order to pay for a measly amount of gruel and bread to survive, but other than that, we don't know enough about her background to relate to her at all. She's poor, she has a crappy job, and she lives in blistering heat on a planet entirely covered in sand. But it's hard to connect with her backstory without a little more information. It was easy to empathize with a freshly orphaned Luke Skywalker. Without seeing her past, and how it affects her, firsthand, it's a little bit difficult to drum up empathy for her character.Rumor has it that Luke Skywalker is Rey's father, and that he's the one who abandoned her on Jakku. If that turns out to be the case, cool, but for now, we know virtually nothing about Rey, except that she's the new heir to the Falcon and can kick major ass.